Swag and Trans, Trans and Swag

I am trans. That’s it. That’s literally it. That’s all there is.

I, Isaac Vaughn-Blue, am indeed transgender. And as cool and as swag as that sounds, it’s a bit of a challenge, one of the hardest in my life. When I found out I was trans, my whole world started to revolve around it. Yes, I know it shouldn’t, but it does. Especially since I am only so young and trying to work out the gimmicks. Like what, you ask? Things like being comfortable with said gender and sticking to it, but also being confident and not wanting to cry every time someone doesn’t understand. With being trans and all, you have to explain it well. But anyways, back to the main point. There are some huge challenges I deal with being, you know, trans, but I make it through.

One of the problems I face is the constant self doubt and dysphoria. It's honestly very crippling to my mental state. There are days where I wake up and instantly hit with dysphoria. Avoiding every mirror, throwing on a hoodie just so I don’t have to look at myself. My mind freezes and can’t pick itself back up from the episode, repeatedly chanting, “You’re not actually trans, you’re really just confused.” But I’m not. The words embedded into my brain because of what I’ve been told or my past experiments with other gender labels- it’s all too much. The moment my brain can’t pick itself up, the rest of the days seem dark and gloomy, have me searching for brighter days. Most people run towards the light at the tunnel, but I’m stuck crawling. My limbs growing heavier and heavier as I try to move them. I’m trapped.

 I’m afraid I'm not male presenting enough  and that I couldn’t possibly be trans, especially with all the feminine features that I possess. And yes, just identifying as trans with no presentation and no transition is more than valid, but it still bothers me a lot. Compared to my other trans fellows, I just don’t feel like I am enough, ya know? With all the trans family being centered in their happiness and their correct presentation, it hurts to not look how you want to. And with society having these “standards” of what a trans boy/man is supposed to be has me quaking. I want to be able to meet MY standards and be comfortable with I got and with what I have, instead of being invalidated for not meeting an unrealistic standard.

Another issue I face is rejection –the act and the fear of it. Not being able to suddenly let others know that I am trans because they might reject me or act out violently against me. Not only are my feelings at risk, but my safety too –one of the most important factors of coming out. Anywho, the fear of rejection is really strong. I am afraid of losing old and new relationships just because of my gender. It's just too sad. Spending and investing so much time in a relationship, whether it’s platonic or romantic, just to have them leave me when I tell I’m trans is really heartbreaking. I tell them this because I trust them and I want their support and I don’t want to keep it from them. Even with new relationships, it’s the same thing. I’m going to tell them from the jump just to save me the pain, but it’s also kind of dangerous. I don’t know how they would react, but it would still help me out. I want to be seen more than just my gender, and if I can’t build a bond with people because of that, it makes me feel horrible. I want to feel safe, keep friends and partners...

Fear. That should speak for itself. The fear of losing everything. Future jobs, potential partners, friends, my life. Every day is a surprise, you never know what's going to happen. It's honestly scary. I sometimes wonder why it had to be this difficult. It could've been avoided if I were born in the correct body lol.

Being trans isn't all that bad, there are some aspects that make it fun. For example, random moments of gender euphoria. These moments are literally golden! They make you feel so good.

Or these moments when people use the correct pronouns on the first try. Simply because to them, you look like said gender. My friend's aunt saw a photo of me and genuinely thought I was a boy (I mean, I am, but yeah). It made me light up and feel all tingly inside, ya know? Getting to choose a name that corresponded with my gender and wearing clothes that give more more sense of masculinity is another great thing about being trans. Also, getting my hair shaved on the side was something that boosted my confidence and my masculinity. Felt like the feminine part of me melted away; it was truly the best! Meeting people like myself and hearing their stories, even making friends with them is one other thing. You just see them out there being strong, being your inspiration and your motivation to just exist and live like the person you were meant to be.

To break this off, I just want to let you know, mom, that I love you, and I hope that you'll eventually accept me as your son and help me through this journey. I know coming out to you in the car wasn’t the best idea and was pretty awkward(told you the environment wasn’t the best, but you didn’t listen lol), but at least you know now. I know it’s strange hearing that I’m trans, but I really want your support, in fact I need it. You gave birth to me and not having support from you or not accepting me would definitely bring damage to me. It’ll take some getting used to, I understand that, but i’m going to need your help. Hope you’ll support me through my transition and find it in your heart to actually care for me as your son. This is my breakthrough.

Oh! I really want to thank those who have supported me from the jump, especially my DEEP teachers. You guys have encouraged me and helped me out so much, I don’t have the words to describe how thankful I am. I also want to thank the readers. Sharing this felt good and I hope you'll accept people like me. It'd be super swag!