Surviving an affair

Surviving an affair and dealing with the consequences of your partner's cheating is painful and upsetting. You probably feel like a huge wave of emotions has hit you. Most affairs destroy the victim's self-respect and lead to an inner crisis where they may even lose their sense of self-worth.

If you can relate to this and feel like you've lost all self-respect and need to fix it, you need to read this article. I'm going to tell you three important things that will get you back on the road to recovery, give you a healthy sense of self-worth, and make you see yourself again as the amazing person you are. And, if you're up to it, help you figure out how to save your marriage.

What the victim has to deal with after the affair:

Getting over an affair is a unique and different experience for each person who goes through it, and each person will face unique and different challenges. There's no doubt that the emotions and mental pain will be very strong. You will have to deal with anger and hurt because of the betrayal, and these bad feelings often turn inward.

If you don't deal with this negativity in the right way, it could hurt your mental health and destroy your self-confidence.

• Do you find that you're giving yourself a hard time with these harsh but unfair thoughts?
• How could I not see that something was wrong?
• Why didn't I figure out that he or she was cheating with all those late nights and overtime?

If my spouse did something so terrible, there must be something wrong with me.

I guess I wasn't enough...

This anger and disgust at yourself is completely normal. A big part of what happens after an affair is doubt: doubt about your relationship, doubt about who you are, doubt about who your partner, the one you thought you knew, is, and doubt about what will happen next. Getting through this time of doubt is part of getting through an affair.

But if your thoughts are making you physically sick and you feel like you can't stop them, this is a critical time when you need to put in a lot of work to protect yourself and turn things around.

Don't forget that your mind is your territory. What happens there is up to you...

You CAN get through an affair and save your marriage.

After the Affair: Rebuilding Self-Respect: One thing you have to accept and decide for yourself on your way to getting over an affair is that you are not to blame for your partner's decision to cheat. Even if your marriage wasn't perfect or was downright bad, that's no reason for your partner to break their vows, date other people, and break your trust because they thought it would make things better in the relationship.

No matter what, an affair always makes a bad situation worse. There is no "if," "and," or "but" about it. A marriage isn't like a math problem. Two negatives don't add up to a positive.

The hurt, pain, and suffering that people go through because of infidelity are not at all fair. You didn't ask or choose to be cheated on, but now you have to deal with all the bad things that happened because of it. You may feel like you have no control over your feelings, your attitude, your life, or even your outlook on life. Having to go through this long, painful emotional avalanche is a big reason why your self-respect is getting worse.

Here are three keys that will help you get over an affair and get your self-respect back:

1: Getting over an affair by taking responsibility

You are in no way to blame for your partner cheating on you, but you are completely in charge of your life. If you want to save your marriage, you have to accept that you have to help bridge the gap between you and your partner. But always remember that you had nothing to do with your partner cheating.

The truth is that you have been dealt a very hard hand, and you need to figure out how to play it. If you want to get through an affair, you have to get rid of your old, negative, depressing, "victim-mentality" way of thinking and processing things. You can't move on as long as they are on your mind. You are in charge of what you let yourself think about and dwell on, and you are also in charge of replacing that negative thinking with a new, hopeful, and positive way of thinking. This step is very important if you want to save your marriage and also get over an affair.

2: accept reality.

When you find out that your partner has been cheating on you, it's normal to feel sad and down. It's OK to accept that this is your reality right now. But here's what may be the most important "ah-ha" moment for surviving an affair: this is NOT your forever. This moment does NOT define you or your future. You have to really think about that and believe it. On the other hand, don't act like everything is fine and push down your hurt and pain. You can't get your self-respect back by avoiding things.

Accepting that your current life is full of negative thoughts, feelings, and images can actually make those negative things less powerful. When you can honestly admit that this is a very hard time in your life, it can help you feel better about yourself. By calling it what it is, you have given yourself more power over it and are now in charge of it more. Now, it's important that you put all the bad things about the affair behind you and put your energy and attention on a positive and encouraging reality. In fact, surviving an affair requires that you do this.

3: Building up your emotions and spirit can help you get through an affair.

Your marriage might have been bad for a long time. If you think about it, it may have been a long time since you had any kind of fun, let alone fun with your spouse. Before the affair, and maybe even for a long time before that, you probably felt resentment, anger, and other negative emotions.

In order to get your self-respect back after an affair, you have to break old, bad, and unhealthy habits. Part of this is getting back into the habit of having fun. Take the bull by the horns: think about the things you really enjoy and that make you happy, the things that make you feel good, and then do a Nike. Do it already! Force yourself if you have to, but get out of the cloud of negativity and depression and start enjoying yourself and your life again. You are worth it. Also, try to keep things in perspective. Yes, you've had to deal with a terrible blow, but you're not dealing with a death.

And don't even think for a second that you should feel bad about having fun. But this is also where the idea of balance comes in. Having fun doesn't give you permission to avoid putting in the focused work that your marriage needs. It's just a way to help your hurt emotions and spirit heal and get you in a better mood so you can be more helpful and have more to give to the process of fixing your marriage. By taking the time and making the effort to improve yourself and love yourself, you will restore your self-respect.

How long it takes to regain self-respect is as different and unique as the person who goes through it. I wish I could tell you that you'll be here next week or in two months. I can't give you this luxury, but I can tell you that once you've taken this step and admitted you've lost your self-respect because of the affair, you need to take the next step and believe you can change that.

There are so many unique challenges to getting through an affair, and it's almost impossible to do so with a damaged sense of self-worth. I really want you to start putting these ideas into practice in your life and marriage. Many people in the same situation as you have done this successfully, and their marriages are stronger and healthier because of it.

I really think you can save your marriage, and I wish you healing and wholeness as you go through the process of getting over an affair.