Super Power

I often wonder where I would be without your influence. Trauma didn’t lead me to a drug-beaten path because of your love. Heartbreak over failed relationships and friendships felt less fatal because of our bond. The weight of the inevitable stress of adulthood feels less heavy because of your tether. Motherhood feels much sweeter because of your influence. I long for the opportunity to carry a daughter of my own; to emulate your footprints and walk alongside you on that path. I know you will never let me fail.

In 2016, our family took a deep dive into depression, anguish and emotional instability as we traversed through childhood revelations, realizations, and honesty. For the first time in my life, I saw you. I saw your tenacity; I saw your strength. I saw your lioness ability to take care of yourself and your cubs without looking back at the demons who caused torment for the past 20+ years. You picked up your life, started over and carried us out of the dark pit in the process. When it felt like the floor was caving beneath me and the walls were closing in, stifling my ability to breath, you were there. We sat in silence on the kitchen floor, basking in the comfort of each other’s warmth. Through late nights, early mornings, and desperate times, you offered me solace from a place of self-hate, despair and helplessness. You offered me comfort during the midst of both of our failed marriages and set the example of how to hold my head high, live in my truth and embrace my future.

To know you is a privilege. The way your light shines in the room when you emerge is characteristic of the impact you have on those around you, those who love you and even those who don't know you. The way you attack home improvement projects, puzzles and your grandkids’ homework assignments with sheer genius is not only inspiring, but comical at times because laser sharp focus is your superpower. Mom, I adore you.

You told me a story once of an older lady who kept calling your phone by accident, leaving messages for someone named Tammy. "Tammy, I'm calling to see when you're coming to take me to the grocery store". “I haven’t heard from you Tammy. Please let me know you made it safely from the doctor”, said the fragile voice on the other end oozing with loneliness. Instead of ignoring the calls not originally meant for you, you returned it. Of course, the basic human response would be to ignore and laugh it off, you called her back to make sure she knew she was leaving messages for the wrong number. You defied the disconnected vantage point we see all too often and called her back. Mom, you never cease to amaze me.

To know you is a privilege. Those seemingly small acts of genuine kindness towards others are mere reflections of your soul. Modest and considerate, strong and protective, intelligent and witty; those are the combinations of adjectives I would use to describe you. A mother's love is expected to nurture and sooth, fulfilling the needs of their children by providing the anchor they need to navigate through the obstacles of their life course. Whether self-inflicted, inherited or coincidence, a mother's love is expected to bear the pains and sorrows of their offspring, to bring a little more light into a dooming situation, all while shielding their own truths and internal conflicts. Of course, not all children are so lucky, not every mother can bear other's burdens while concealing their own carnal flaws. You take care of those around you with grace, selflessness and pride. Mom, I respect and appreciate you.

The world often takes for granted the power love has. Regardless of the source, raw unconditional love is transcendent. I didn’t recognize this force in my life until you blessed me with the gift of life. Every path we face as humans leads us to roads we need to travel, hurdles we need to steer clear of, and outlets to bring us small feats of joy. Positive influences in our lives allow us to maneuver through the various terrains life presents. Love can be an anchor in relationships where the dynamics are one-sided or controlled, yet the purpose of love should be to set a foundation. I struggled with feeling undeserving of genuine love and connections with others, not just in romantic situations, but all around. Many people fail to realize love is not an isolated emotion meant only to explain the passion between lovers or soulmates, but it’s important to remember love starts as a foundation of what was presented in one’s childhood. To truly understand what it means to feel loved, to give love, and harness that power to project outward in one’s life, is nothing short of a super power.