My Worst Date Funny/Contest Submission!
You might be saying to yourself...Kai...where is this coming from?! You're a married woman, so when was the last time you went on a date, let alone a bad one?
Man, listen...we've all had at least one bad date in our lives and based on the fact that there's a contest going on for the best #MyWorstDate stories, I decided to dig through the crates of my memories and pull out the most memorable worst date of my life. To this day I look back at that scene and say to myself, "the nerve of some motherfuckers." Like the dude in In Living Color used to say, "wrote a song about it, like to hear it? Here it go!"
I was working as a telemarketer for the Jewish Yellow Pages. My job consisted of calling businesses and asking them to pay money to advertise in the Jewish Yellow Pages. One day, I happen to call a Jamaican restaurant in The Bronx (don't ask me the name, I cannot remember) and the owner who answered the phone...had a nice voice and began flirting with me. I was single at the time so I was flirting back, plus I was also hoping he would actually buy a big ad, therefore bring me a large commission check. Anybody that knows me that is reading this story is definitely saying to themselves, "wait...hold on...Kai worked for commission?! No, I read that part wrong" YES, PEOPLE...you see the job paid an hourly salary plus commission so during the time that I worked there, I basically only made my hourly salary. The day I was on the phone with the Jamaican dude (don't remember his name either) I was hoping that he would change that, but let's move on to the story.
The phone call leads to scheduling a movie date at this movie theater in Queens. The appointed day comes, he picks me up and we head out to the theater. We watched two movies and by the time we left, it was real late and of course I wanted him to drive me back home. He told me that he was tired and needed a couple of hours of sleep before he drove me back home. Of course I thought this was a ploy for him to get some and what he didn't know was that no matter what, he wasn't getting none of this cookie. Yes, we had a good time but shit, I just met you, motherfucker. So even though we went back to his house so he could rest, I kept all my clothes on while I was there. He actually never tried anything, just literally hit his bed like a rock and slept while I slept on his couch in the living room. From the minute I got there though, his phone was ringing off the hook...to the point where I was looking at him like, "damn bro, you need to either answer that or turn it off"...but he was sleeping right through it...like nothing was happening. A couple of hours later, he got up, put on his shoes, and woke me up to tell me that he was ready to drive me home, he just needed to get some gas first and the gas station was around the corner from his house. He instructed me to wait for him in front of his house because as soon as he comes back, he was driving me home. That was the plan and I had no problem with that.
THE MOTHERFUCKER LEFT ME STANDING IN FRONT OF HIS HOUSE! NEVER SHOWED UP TO PICK ME UP!!
Yes. I think I stood there for about 20 minutes...that's all I could last because it was a cold ass day! I'm talking about New York, around December, so it's cold as fuck. After 20 minutes of waiting for the asshole, I decided to walk around the corner to such gas station to see if it was possible for him to still be there. Of course he wasn't. I called myself a cab that charged me $60 to take me back to The Bronx. Thank God I had money to pay said cab because where asshole lived at/left me I was nowhere near any type of public transportation so I had no choice but to take a cab. When I finally got in contact with the asshole, I insisted that he pay me back my $60 to which he agreed, which I liked. When I asked him what happened he said, "Well...you see the reason why my phone was ringing all night was because my girlfriend was calling me and because I didn't answer the phone, she called herself coming to my house. Lucky for me I caught her at the gas station, but I couldn't duck her in order to come and pick you up to take you home so that's my bad."
My response to this was, "so...you have a girlfriend?" and to this he actually had the nerve to fix his mouth and say, "of course I have a girlfriend! As fine as I am, it just makes sense!"
I literally put the phone on mute and laughed till I peed! Like did this fuck boy just say...OK you know what, asshole, whatever! "When can I get my money?" was my next question because by this time I was done with this fool. He said, "I'll bring it tonight" to which I agreed. Asshole fuck boy not only showed up on time, gave me my money, and HAD THE NERVE to ask me for some pussy for all his trouble. I kindly put that motherfucker out of my house and went to sleep soundly with my $60 back in my pocket.