Storms bring out what calm seas cannot

Lettie had come out here to die. All her life she had moments like this where her mind rationalized it would be better to be gone from this world than to be part of it. She had driven out to the dock and untethered her parents' ship from where it had sat for years. There was a film of slime all over the controls but other than that she smiled when engine sputtered on.

Once upon a time, she had loved to come out upon the water with her family. The spray of the sea upon her brown skin, the gentle rocking of the boat over the waves, the laughs and stories shared over cold beers and seafood dinner.

She ran a hand over the rusty dashboard thinking back on when life had not been so overwhelming. Her smile faded as she realized she had not brought anything to eat. "A handle of whiskey for your last meal. Just great, Leticia, fucking classy of you."

She supposed she could have planned this better. When she had heard of the storm rolling in though she had stopped thinking. For years she had fought off these demons and for what? What did she have to show for it besides a life of debt and regret? If there had been one shining light in her life it had been Georgia...but her daughter was gone now.

She knew she needed to focus. The sea was already growing choppy. She was incredibly clear-headed on the matter. It felt like an inevitability to her life. She had always been heading towards this moment and it was almost cathartic to have finally made the decision for herself. The world could take from her all that she had ever loved but this decision was her own.

There was an old, tattered photo on the dashboard. There her father stood with one of those dorky sun hats on his head, her mother with her warm and gentle smile, Lettie and her brother James. In the minimal light of the ship she could see the picture was fading. She tried to think back when the picture had been taken. Perhaps when their dad had bought the boat? James looked very young, arms out open wide as if he had to have all the attention upon him even then.

A pang of guilt hit her upon seeing his little face. He'd be left alone in this world once she was gone. She took out her phone. There was not a lot of service this far out on the sea but she texted him anyway. How old were you when mama and papa bought the boat? There was a strange vibration sound and she wondered if the engine would give out on her before she got to where she wanted to go.

The storm was already starting to brew above her. The skies were darkening to a midnight blue despite it being the middle of the day. It would be beautiful to see it, to witness the world in all its indifferent glory one last time, before she would throw herself into the seas and let the water take her away.

"I was six, Lettie, what are you doing here?"

She screamed and spun around to see her brother James leaning upon the doorway. Brown eyes wide and unbelieving, a hand rose to her chest to help catch her breath.

"What the hell are you doing here, James?!"

He laughed at her shock which only helped to infuriate her further. It was then the rain began to pour down from the skies. James' brown eyes focused on the storm the ship was currently bobbing in. He frowned as he fixed her with an incredulous stare, "I told you I was fixing to sell it. Is that whiskey?"

She half expected him to begin chiding her but instead he walked up towards her and took a swig of the bottle. She rolled her eyes before snatching the bottle back from his hands. “Are you living on their boat? That is low even for you, James."

He laughed in his easy way, eyes glancing out as the storm seemed to grow fiercer all around them. "I'm not the one drinking and driving the boat out during a thunderstorm. She'll hold but we should get back before the storm gets worse." Though Lettie knew he was right she hesitated. She'd come out here to die alone and at peace. She had finally made a choice about what she wanted. It was just like James to throw a fucking wrench in her plans.

"Yeah, I can't do that," she said as she revved the engine. James fell back a few steps, wide eyed. "You can take the boat back when I am done."

James rushed up to take the helm from her, but she wielded the bottle of whiskey like a weapon, swinging it at his head. H dodged her attack but in truth she had not wanted to hit him. She just needed him to keep away.

"Done with what, Lettie?! Do you have any idea how dangerous this is-"

She scoffed at his ignorance. She did know, that was the whole point. She had been the one to take after their parents, she had been the one to learn this ship while he had been the one to disappoint them and break their hearts. "Rich words coming from the alcoholic, James. Tell you what, I'll even leave you the whiskey if you just sit down and shut the fuck up."

His frown deepened upon his forehead, brown eyes flashing with hurt and confusion. She had never spoken to him like that before. She had been the sweet one among them, the one always trying to make things right. His voice was softer as he spoke, hands out with his palms up towards her, "What are you doing, Lettie?"

There was a hitch in her resolve and her brown eyes filled with tears. "I am going to go see them, James. Mama, Papa...and Georgia." The storm rocked the ship as the waves crashed upon the port side. They were almost there...almost to the spot where they had spread their ashes.

She expected him to call her crazy, to fight her for the control of the ship, but instead he sighed out, "Okay, Lettie, let's go see them. But I am going to need another drink."

They were both drunk by the time they dropped anchor. The storm raged on and the ship moaned and groaned as it was tossed about. She thought perhaps the waves would crash hard enough to turn it over. Yet their parents' ship held true even as the sea tried to churn it into driftwood.

They sat with their legs hanging off the side, soaked in the rainwater and the waves of the sea. She was freezing cold, the only source of warmth being James sitting beside her. She leaned towards him, linking her arm with his, "I shouldn't have let you drink, James!" The tears upon her face were blown about by the whipping wind. She was not even sure if he could hear her above the roar of it.

He intertwined his fingers with hers. After a long moment he spoke, his voice straining to be heard above the storm around them, "Like you could stop me, Lettie! You know after mama and papa died I stopped trying to get better. I just let it consume me!"

She squeezed his hand in hers, "I know. I thought I could survive it. I thought I could be strong. But I was only keeping it together for Georgia." Her voice cracked as she spoke her daughter's name.

"It wasn't your fault, Lettie! There was nothing you could have done!" James spoke, his own tears mixing with the sea spray and the rain.

"That's exactly it, though, James. That's exactly it! I couldn't do anything! She slipped right out of my hands." She could picture it clearly. How she had gotten the news of her daughter's cancer. Of how she had faded away with the radiation treatment. The light of her life was snuffed out so unfairly. She'd never seen the world at only four years old and now she never would.

The sobs that broke out of Lettie were guttural. Not even the raging storm could drown them out. She rose from her seat, slipping upon the deck, "I just want to be with her, James. With her and mama and papa. There's nothing left for me here." All she had to do was plunge herself into those cold choppy waves. She would sink and all the pain, all the heartbreak, all the devastation of her life would fade away.

It would be easy, it would be peaceful, and once she was deep enough the sea would do the rest. She could let go and nothing would be in her hands anymore. "No, Lettie, you aren't alone-"

James had gotten up too, intent on taking her hand, but it was then a strong wave crashed upon the side of the ship. They both went flying backwards. Lettie's back hit hard upon the railing, knocking the breath out of her lungs. She gasped yet she found herself alone on the ship's deck. In horror she realized that James had been sent overboard.

In a panic, she fought to rise to her feet. She looked around wildly, trying to spot him in the water, but she saw nothing in the storm. Wrapping a rope around her waist she leapt into the water. The cold hit her like a thousand tiny knives. She fought the desire to scream and swam down. While the sea churned above below there was an easier calm. Everything sank peacefully around her.

She could see James, his body still as he sank deeper into the dark. She swam down towards him, the cold of the water sapping at her strength. If she could just reach him she knew she could save him. Her hand wrapped around his wrist and she pulled him towards her.

They were both weightless in the water. It was only the effort of swimming up against the burning of her own lungs that pushed at her desperation. She surfaced and for a moment she thought she was somewhere else. The sea around them had calmed under a yellow sky. She hadn't the time to think. She pulled him towards the side of the ship. With a heavy groan, she managed to get him on the deck.

"James, breathe, James!" She prepared to force air into his lungs when he suddenly began coughing. She cried with relief as his breath began to steady. She pulled him into her arms, pressing kisses to the side of his face.

"...Eye of the storm...we're in the eye of the storm, Lettie." He put an arm around her, patting her back to try and calm her. There was a horn in the distance and she looked up to see another ship upon the horizon. Someone was coming to their aid.

With her emotions so heightened she had no idea what to do. All she wanted to do was hold her little brother in her arms. "What are we going to tell them we were doing out here?"

A rough little laugh and shrug came out of James as he attempted to sit up. "Just saying goodbye is all...just letting go." They held each other till the other ship was close. By then the storm was set to fall upon them again. Lettie had been right, it would have been easy to slip under the waves and let the sea drag them down. Yet in that moment she had realized she did not want to lose her brother.

Maybe one day they would find themselves a part of the sea like those they had lost. For now though they had each other to keep them above the pull of the water.