Square One

The feeling of heartbreak is like a tightening in the chest that won't go away. It's like the feeling of vomit constantly at the back of your throat, it's like sleeping through classes/work/appointments. Heartbreak in my opinion is another word for excruciatingly painful depression. I used to be in love; head over heels in love with who I thought was the most amazing person I had ever met. I never felt sadness or pain, I was finally understood, I finally felt secure. The best analogy I could give is when it's the middle of August in Florida, so hot you can barely move, but you take your first sip of an ice cold glass of lemonade and it's pure bliss. Weird analogy, but this was the most refreshing thing I'd ever felt and I thought, "How could something like this ever go wrong?"

It did. It went so wrong.

We both made mistakes, emotional, mental, physical, the whole lot. I thought we could work through all of the trials and tribulations, I thought we meant more to each other than petty arguments and environmental factors that were trying to tear us apart. I wanted this to work so badly, I did everything I could, I thought, to make it work and we would be together forever. I was so so wrong.

At this point it's about ten months and a week later and I feel so numb, so full of sadness, so weighed down by the feelings that came along with this relationship over time. The problem was the first true break up; it was horrible, she said she just didn't want to be with me anymore, that I wasn't the partner she needed or quite frankly, wanted in her life. Me being me, I'm begging for her to stay, for her to try. I just wanted to be happy, the way we were in the beginning. She left for a month, an entire 31 days, and something inside me snapped; I couldn't tell you what it was but it could've been my heart, it could've been my soul, who knows? All I know is that it was something I'm not sure could ever be mended. For weeks I cried myself to sleep, I didn't eat which cost me 20lbs I probably could've afforded to lose, but not in such an unhealthy way. It made me miss classes, appointments; I called out of work three shifts in a row and she probably doesn't even know it.

We kept in touch during this month because of me mostly; I couldn't let go no matter how mean she got, no matter how much pain her words inflicted, I kept trying. It eventually got to the point where I thought about ending it, and I've never been to a place so dark. I hit rock bottom and stayed there and from time to time I think I extended my stay even to now. I suffered a lot and I continue to when it comes to the stresses of school because of the classes I missed. I suffered with work after all the call outs to the point where they were only giving me one day which caused me to miss payments for my car and credit card. This darkness consumes me to this day.

Eventually, she tried to be with me, and I was so hurt I didn't know if I could continue with the relationship, but I loved this person and I wanted it to work so badly that I agreed. I needed it to be different, and I told her this, but we travelled back down the path we were on, the detour not helping at all. It was back to the arguments, back to one of us loving more than the other, back to the possessive behavior, back to the physical fights and I thought to myself, "This isn't love." I shut down so quickly that I didn't even know what happened; my guard is completely up and she doesn't understand why I'm so cold, what's going on, half the time I drown her out by putting pressure on my eardrums, something I learned to do in a high school science class. I can't continue this, I can't continue to pretend that I'm happy, I can't. I'm so scared to be alone, I don't want to be with someone else, but I can't continue unless something changes.

You spend your life thinking that you know what's going to happen and how everything is going to pan out, but the truth is, no one really knows what's going to happen tomorrow. The love of your life could end up being your worst enemy and even though you've been with them a week, a month, or even ten years, you might not find that out until tomorrow. I want more for myself as an individual, I want to find someone that I know won't change over time and maybe I'm asking for too much in that respect but at least I know what I want. Tomorrow is a new day and even though I had to let a piece of me go, it's for a new piece of me to take on it's true beautiful form. I'm excited, and sad, and tired, and expectant all at once.

Here we are, back at square one.