Sorry about the shirt!

“Maybe I should have worn the Burgundy… Hold on one second”

Let me position my phone slightly higher in the air so she can get a better view of my outfit. Is it weird that I keep turning my head side to side to recon the outside of the restaurant to avoid any awkward stares? I probably look ridiculous…

“Dad, you look fine. Now hang up the phone before she gets there.”

What was I thinking? I should have canceled. Now it’s too late. What will we even talk about? Hi, I’m Jeremy. I’m a single dad who looks chunky in green. Why didn’t I wear the Burgun…?

“Umm hello? Are you still there? Dad, you seriously need to relax. Take a deep breath with me. Ready, set, and in….”

Maybe I should just hop in my car and head home or maybe the gym. I really shouldn’t skip leg day...

“And let it out… Feel better?”

“Yes, Sammie. Thank you. I just haven’t done this since… well you know.”

“I know, Dad, but it’s time. Go have fun and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“Thanks. And make sure you’re in bed by eleven, you still have class in the…”

And she hung up. Fantastic.

Maybe I should head inside, just in case she’s already been seated.

Oh, this place is fancier than I expected. Is this too much for a first date?

“Hi, Jeremy Tran, party of two for eight pm. Am I the first to arrive?”

“Ah yes, Mr. Tran and it looks like they are not here yet. Would you like to be seated now?”

“No, no. That’s okay I’ll wait outside.”

“Well, that’s awfully kind of you, but not necessary. Ma’am, both parties have arrived. We’re ready to be seated.”

Whoa. She’s like a ninja. I didn’t even hear the door open. Okay, stupid, now turn around and make eye contact.

“Oh, hello there. You must be Jessica.”

Damn it, she’s gorgeous. Way out of my league. I might as well just head home or to the gym. I really shouldn’t skip leg day.

“Indeed, I am, and you must be Jeremy. You’re taller than I expected.”

I’m tall. I’ll take tall. Tall is good.

“Please follow me this way.”

And would you look at this dining room? Excuse me. The Palace of Versailles called, and it wants its subtlety back. I’m going to have to dig into Sammie’s college fund if we decide to get dessert.

“Here we are. Your server will be here shortly to take your drink order.”

Ok. Now focus. Go pull her chair out and tell her she looks nice.

“My my my, aren’t you are a gentleman?”

“You look nice!”

Smooth.

“Why thank you! You look nice too.”

“Thank you and so do you... I mean thanks.”

Smooth, so smooth. At least she’s smiling. Nice teeth too. Nice teeth? Ugh, just go sit down.

“So, Jeremy, tell me how a sweet guy like yourself is still single?”

“We-well, you see, I have a kid, well teen now, named Sammie who has been my whole world. And then there’s work…”

“I see. It can’t be easy being a single parent.”

“It’s tough but I manage. Do you want kids?”

Damn it. That’s way too forward for a first date.

“I mean do you like kids?”

Nice recovery.

“Maybe and yes. Did you want to have another?”

Did I want to have another? Seems a little forward for a first date.

“I’ve thought about it, but I guess it depends on if I met the right person.”

“Makes sense. So how old is Sammie?”

“Sixteen, this May… Damn. Time goes by so fast.”

“Doesn’t it?”

“Hello, sorry to interrupt. I’m Claude and I’ll be your server today.”

Server? He looks like he could be a model. What if she finds him more attractive? And why wouldn’t she? Look at those arms… and he clearly doesn’t skip leg day. Shit am I more attracted to him? Oh no, they are staring at me.

“I’m sorry. Can you repeat that?

“Of course. May I take your drink order?”

“Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan neat.”

“Excellent choice. And for the lady.”

“I’ll have a glass of the Merlot, please.”

I hope she doesn’t expect me to know anything about wine. All I know are those cheesy wine puns my ex-wife had scattered around the house.

“You had me at Merlot.”

Oh crap, I said that out loud.

“What did you say?”

“You had me at Merlot… like from the movie…”

“Who sent you?”

“I’m sorry…”

“Who the fuck sent you?”

Wait…what…what is going on?

“I don’t understand…”

“Start talking… NOW!”

Did she just pull out a gun?!

“Whoa! Wait a minute! No one sent me… no one sent me! Please don’t hurt me!”

Am I the only one seeing this? Wait a minute…. that guy has a gun too!

“What the fuck? Who the fuck is that?”

Holy shit! Did she just kill him? Should I run? I should probably run… But what if she shoots me next… I should probably stay right here.

Great! Who are these guys now?

Whoa, she just broke his nose.

Oh my god, I don’t think that’s supposed to bend that way.

“Watch out behind you!”

Wait… why am I helping?

“Thanks, love!”

Is she British now? I thought she grew up in Kansas.

Maybe she’s some sort of kick-ass, super-secret British spy.

I really need to reconsider these dating apps.

“Two more incoming!”

Alright, I guess I’m in this now.

“So, you really have no idea who these guys are?”

“Not a clue!”

“I’m sorry about this, I tried really hard to leave this life behind, but it always finds a way to catch up to me.”

“I can’t pretend to begin to understand…”

Holy shit! That guy just headbutted her. Is she okay?

“Are you okay?”

Oh, never mind, I think that knee to the groin stopped him. Ouch!

“I think I’m going to head out… you seem a little preoccupied.”

And of course, she had a butterfly knife in her dress and Sammie said I shouldn’t bring mine.

“It was… um… well it was interesting.”

I’m certain that guy just cursed in Russian… or was it Polish. I can never tell the difference.

Is that racist? Jesus, I hope not.

Only I would think that I’m the bad guy in this situation.

“Thanks again, love. And, for the record, I was truly looking forward to tonight. Good men so are hard to find. If you do call me again, I promise… I’ll order a Guinness!”

Damn. She’s gorgeous and funny. Why are all the good ones taken or deadly?

“Ha. Good one! Well, take care! Bye-bye, random assassin guys!”

I guess I should just head back through the entrance. How crazy was all that? No one is going to believe me. Maybe just one more look before I go…

Damn, she’s looking at me. It would have been so much cooler if I didn’t look back.

“Sorry about the shirt!”

Huh?

Oh, I didn’t notice that splash of blood on my chest.

I guess I ended up wearing Burgundy after all.