Sixteen

It was a turning point,

The crucifixion of my childhood,

Killing my own innocence.

I had something to prove.

I was merging myself into Chelsea and Harvey’s world,

A fractured reality,

Lost and forgotten by those who birthed us.

We were our own agents.

But I couldn’t be the girl he really loved.

That was always Chelsea.

You could see it whenever he looked at her,

He felt like the luckiest guy whenever she rang him up,

Usually complaining about her mother,

Or the boyfriend she didn’t really want.

He knew things were going okay when he didn’t hear from her,

He was her soundboard,

A Living,

Breathing journal.

A sponge,

To soak up the pain,

The anger.

He lived for her.

But at some point,

Maybe even before I became part of the group,

Harvey realized he wanted to be more,

Chelsea knew this,

She was always pretty smart.

But Harvey would never be the guy for Chelsea,

He knew too much.

Her pain of having an absent father,

How she would wear tights underneath her jeans,

Because she lived in fear of being raped,

By the pedophile that lived next door to her Mother’s.

And how her mum would leave for days on end,

Without even a note.

I met Chelsea on the first day of Year nine.

Her hair had a jagged edge to it,

Like she’d cut it herself.

She was wearing the boys uniform trousers,

And she held her books to her ample chest.

I still have no idea why or how we became friends.

One minute I’m asking her name as part of a group science experiment.

The next we’re having lunch together every day of the week.

It’s like we just fell in with each other,

Both outsiders.

The ‘weird kids’.

Stuck on a train twice a day,

Going from the rough,

industrial scape of Lesswell,

Where a group of kids set cars on fire out of boredom,

To the ‘Mow ya lawns for fun’,

prim and proper,

backwater of the valley.

Where the estates are manicured and privately owned,

And the Football - Netball club run the town,

Instead of drug dealers.

Chelsea set Harvey and I up on a date,

I remember him asking me if I would sit with him in court the next Thursday.

‘It’ll just be another Youth Justice Order’

“What did you do?” I asked, curious,

Hungry for the details.

“I jumped a guy, who owed money to a mate”

His features were cold and absent.

“But he’s promised he won’t do it again”

Chelsea assured.

“Harvey’s a good guy, I trust him with my heart”.

I took Chelsea’s word for it.

After all,

I was pretty sheltered.

“Te Amo,

Means I love you in Italian”

It only took two weeks.

He heard it on the radio,

And thought it was sweet.

I met his mother at the courthouse,

Karen.

She had no teeth.

They celebrated with a smoke, after court was convened.

We walked to Amber and Brett’s flat,

They reminisced about the time they got drunk on the bus,

And Brett knocked her out.

I was left with Amber,

As the boys had a job to do.

She offered me a bong and I said ‘no thank you.’

Half an hour later Brett and Harvey ran up the driveway,

Their pockets filled with DVD’S, games, and an IPad.

“I broke in to my brother’s apartment” Harvey remarked.

Smiling, sweat trickled down his round face.

We took a bus down to the center of town.

Amber was banned from the pawnshop.

So I went in.

The attendant stared at us, as Harvey thumbed the cabinet.

Trying not to look directly at the surveillance cameras.

Hundred bucks, for the lot.

Two packs of Rothman blues,

A bottle of bourbon.

Some condoms too.

Split up between Harvey, Brett, and Amber.

“Have fun you too!” squealed Amber,

As Brett took her arm, disappearing behind their front door.

We went to his Mum’s.

He broke in through the window,

“she won’t be home until next Thursday”.

Coming around to the front door he let me in.

The tiny flat was stuffy,

Smoke wafted through the boxy loungeroom.

The walls looked paper thin.

Dirty laundry littered the floor,

A handsome tuxedo cat greeted me in the kitchen,

I asked it’s name.

“Soccer Ball” Harvey exclaimed.

He bent down and picked him up.

The love in Harvey’s eyes,

Made me want to sob.

“He’s my best friend, I would do anything for this cat”.

We lay in bed for quite some time.

I watched the fleas in the carpet,

Jumping up and down.

“Are you nervous?” he asked.

“A little bit” I said.

“Good thing ya with a pro then” he replied confidently.

He went on to tell me the elaborate story of how he lost his virginity;

“I was in the back of a speeding car,

Minton was driving,

The cops were chasing us,

I pulled a bong,

While she was riding me..”

I didn’t believe him.

I could see by his expression he was just as scared.

For something seen as so special,

It didn’t last very long.

No party had been pleased.

It felt wrong.

The dry prophylactic was flung from the bed,

Met by an obese body of dirty clothes, rubbish, and clutter.

“I don’t like your boobs, they’re too big, bigger than Chelsea’s, and saggy”

I put my shirt on.

“Chelsea’s going to stay here for a while, her Mum kicked her out. You better go so I can sort some stuff out”.

He walked me to the bus stop.

I wasn’t sure where I was.

“Hang out tomorrow? I’ll introduce you to the Boss”

We met at his Mum’s the next day.

Harvey rode on his BMX,

The souls of his shoes, brushing the pavement.

Matching my pace.

We rounded the corner.

House music permeated through the Crescent.

“Cross the street” Harvey commanded.

“A Meth dealer lives there, girls go in there and they don’t come out”

He whispered, pointing to a dilapidated council house,

His words like icy needles penetrating my neck.

I followed him.

We walked down the street behind Harvey’s flat.

He pointed to a fence “That’s the fence I jumped to get away from the cops when I stabbed that little bitch”

Giggling.

My eyes darted ahead, and saw a little boy running towards us.

“What up Bruz?” the boy exclaimed.

Bumping fists with Harvey.

“This the new bitch?” he said looking me up and down.

He would have been six.

“Oi, don’t call her a bitch, ya talkin’ about my misses”

“Sorry Uncle Harvey” the boy winced, as if he was expecting something more than words.

Shrinking away.

“How’s my little gangster goin’ anyway?”

The boy looked down at his feet.

“Good. Dad wants to talk to you”

We stopped out the front of one of the newer units.

An old ford EA lay on the front lawn,

It’s windows broken,

Looked like it had been burnt out.

The grass was long and healthy,

Climbing up through the chassis.

Making it look more like a lawn ornament,

Than a vehicle.

A ginger haired man greeted us at the door,

“Jason, this is my new misses” Harvey proclaimed.

“Nice to meet ya, wanna a beer?” he asked.

We sat on the couch with the kids.

The plasma screen TV blared out the Top 20.

Jason motioned Harvey into another room.

I didn’t follow.

“Come and see our Christmas tree” said one of the little girls.

I followed her through the back door.

A lonely lemon tree stood in the middle of the backyard.

Beer cans for ornaments.

The little boy from before doing laps with a mini dirt bike.

It was Chelsea’s birthday.

She’d stayed at Harvey’s until his Mum had come home early,

Seeing the state of the place,

They were both kicked out.

Chelsea went to stay with a mutual friend of ours,

Kayla.

Harvey moved in with his older brother Steve,

Sleeping on the share houses’ couch,

Paying the rent in weed.

Kayla lived in Trafalgar,

She was a round red head,

Her personality as fiery as her complexion.

But just like Harvey and myself,

She adored Chelsea.

All she ever wanted to do was please her,

Even if that meant being the living, breathing joke of the party.

Six O’clock

We met at Trafalgar train station

Chelsea handed me a dress

“I stole it for you, thought we could all get dressed up tonight”

I went in the bathroom.

I felt vulnerable.

Luckily, I was wearing tights.

Kayla and Chelsea lit up a cigarette.

“Let’s go to Brendan’s house”.

I trailed behind.

Brendan opened up the door,

“Hey Babe” his finger crawling up Chelsea’s bare thigh.

His face sunk as soon as he saw Kayla and I.

We went to the skate park,

I sat on the lip of the bowl,

Not really knowing what to do.

I felt angry,

As I thought,

After a month,

She would be happy to see me too.

Gasps of pleasure filled the cement bowl.

Brendan and Chelsea had found a bush.

Kayla sat beside me,

Like a puppy dog.

“It’s her night I guess” I said to Kayla.

“But why bring us along?” I followed.

It fell on dead ears,

Kayla played with her phone.

I got up to leave.

Chelsea saw me.

“Hey, what are you doing? Aren’t you having fun?”

I looked at her, and turned.

“Come back here, ya dumb bitch!”

I was done.

I called Harvey.

“Why did you leave her there?”

Was the question posed to me after the first ring,

My eyes welling up.

I couldn’t get a word in.

Two weeks went by,

Not speaking to her.

Harvey was cold and distant.

I became desperate.

I felt so wrong.

I called Chelsea,

Apologizing.

‘Meet me at Well Street Milk Bar, I’m sorry too’

Just us.

Like old times.

We sat in the park,

Like most of the time,

Chelsea did most of the talking.

She said I was a good listener,

She trusted me with her problems.

But I couldn’t do it anymore,

As she walked up the hill,

I wondered about our futures,

Whether we would meet once again.

The next term Chelsea dropped out,

And I never saw her again.