Situationships

It is harder to identify genuine relationship seekers from the thrill-seekers in today's dating world. It has become a game to some rather than a serious search for a trustworthy, loving companion. I have more clients who ask me for dating advice than any other topic. I find it a bit ironic because I, myself, am single.

I guess the sweet difference is that I am single by choice. Sure, I go on dates, and if I connect with someone on a spiritual level, I even consider more, but I am not in a desperate state of having to be liked, let alone loved, by anyone. I have mastered being alone and happy a long time ago and wrote a book on it.

The fear of being alone has become a pandemic. I would say it has to do with the recent COVID-19 event where everyone was forced to be stuck behind closed doors, but I don't think that's it. Times have changed, and unfortunately, the way people view relationships has taken on a whole different perspective. When I was younger, traditional values were still a thing. While I am not a big fan of anything conventional, certain aspects of life should be kept respectful. What I am saying is. Loyalty, honesty, trustworthiness, and standard requirements to make any relationship work should never change.

For some reason, it has become acceptable to use human emotions as a thrill ride to boost one's ego, and nobody says anything about it. How can you protect yourself from such a rollercoaster ride of emotional tug of war? I can help you with that.

1. Take Red Flags Serious

It is so easy to ignore "tiny" red flags when you decide to get to know someone. We just excuse them and tuck them away most of the time—big mistake. A red flag is what it is, and you should never ignore them. I am not saying run immediately but identify what it means to you and what emotion it triggers. Is it a manipulating red flag? Did they present controlling tendencies or make comments in that regard? Those are not signs to look over. You have an inner guidance system. It's called intuition. Use it.

2. Ask the Right Questions

Sure, you want to know their favorite color and what favorite food they like. But it is much more important to understand how their brain works and what they think regarding day-to-day life events. Once you break the ice, which if you met online, I would hope you get that out of the way on a FaceTime call and get to more serious conversations. "What steps do you take to improve yourself?", "When was the last time you volunteered your time to society?", "How is your relationship with your family?". These are all essential things to know. One question I always ask is: "What went wrong in your past relationships?" If the answer entails them blaming everything on the ex, that is a red flag for me. If they trash the ex, I usually call the date and leave. Narcissistic behavior is easily discovered if you ask the right questions. If they act standoffish when you ask a serious question, ask them why it makes them uncomfortable if they are willing to discuss it later after getting to know you better, great. But don't let them dismiss you altogether. If they are emotionally available and truly interested in getting to know you, they have no issue with being upfront and transparent.

3. Don't Force It

I should have learned much sooner to take people for who they are and not romanticize their actions. Let it go if they don't text you back or contact you for days. You are not important enough to them. If you are a female, here is a side note. A man places value on anything he does. If he does not cut out time in the day to say at least hello, you are not valuable enough in his eyes.

There is nothing wrong with that. Recognize it, accept it, and leave it be. Stand your ground if he tries to make you his spare part (a person he contacts when he is bored). Tell him you understand that he is not interested enough, and you are now accepting other applications.

Regardless of what you identify as, nobody should ever have so much control over your emotions that you are a slave to their wishes unless you are into that sort of thing. Your partner is out there, so don't settle for mediocre.

4. Be Who You Are

Faking your personality will only get you in trouble. Don't be afraid to show who you are from day one. First impressions are everything they say, but the truth is, this is not a job interview. You want them to know the real you as soon as possible. If they cannot handle you when you are authentic with them from the beginning, they will not like you later on. It might last for a while, but I can almost guarantee they will throw it in your face. "That is not the girl/guy I met." Own who you are and let them know.

5. Make Sure You Are Ready

This one is by far the most important point of them all. I didn't place it at the top because I want you to remember this one very well.

Make sure you are ready to get into a relationship. Have you healed from your last encounter? Are you emotionally available? Do you have time for another person in your life? These are all crucial factors. If you compare your potential date to your ex, you are not ready. If you feel insecure about them talking to someone else, you are not ready. You guys most likely met on a dating app. It is perfectly ok for you both to speak to other people as long as you are honest about it. By the way, I always ask that question when I agree to go on a date with someone. "How many girls/guys are you talking to?" I also make it very clear that I am not a toy and that they need to be honest if they discover they are drawn to someone else more than me. Now to be fair, if we have gone on several dates and they are still talking to someone else, that is an issue, and I won't stay in it. But if it's your first date, it's acceptable, so don't feel insecure.

The truth is, unless you are perfectly ok with being alone, you are not ready to date anyone. But that is a different article.

If you find yourself in a position where you have become a choice for them, end it. You should never be someone's "maybe" choice. It should be a "Yes, you are my first choice" thing. Don't put yourself in a situationship. Acknowledge the signs and be brave enough to say no. Know your worth. Don't settle. And make sure you are ready.