by Michelle Hill 6 months ago in single

Eight years single


Eight years of being single.

When I tell people I've been single for eight years, they end up surprised. Then they ask me why. I use the same excuse over and over again. I'm a workaholic. If I'm not at work, I'm at home writing, taking in a movie, trying to relax in my room, or just turning off everything trying to mediate. It's not that I don't want to put myself out there or anything. It's the time that I don't have. But yet everyone I know tells me to put myself out there.

Maybe part of me is just scared of rejection. I mean, a lot of us are. I can't even talk to a girl without getting all tongue-tied and becoming a mumbling idiot. I've smacked myself a few times after talking to a girl. After high school, I've only had three serious relationships. All of them shitty. I think my last relationship REALLY messed me up.

But I don't want that to be part of the reason why I haven't been in a relationship for eight years. I guess, it's mostly because I have some sort of trust issue. I always say that when I'm with someone, I'm with that someone. My eyes don't even wander when I have one girl on my mind. I stay faithful. I don't even know how to flirt! I just talk and words come out of my mouth that I don't even think about.

Sure, I've been shot down, stood up, and rejected. Sure, it puts my confidence down a little bit. But, I keep going. Part of it is also just not wanting to put myself out there. People always tell me, it's gonna happen when it happens. I do believe that, I really do. I just have to get it through my head that it'll happen.

I've tried the dating sites, and sure I've gotten a few responses. But then, I also see my own friends on the dating sites. So I don't use them. Hell, my general manger met his girlfriend at a dentist office. Some of my co-workers fell in love with each other. Even got married. My best friend is marrying his fiancée in two weeks, and they met at work.

I also just feel stuck in my life. I think that's another reason. I'm thirty, I live with my parents, and I'm kind of at a dead end job. But I am trying to move forward with my life. It has taken me a while to grow up, don't get me wrong. I spent most of my early twenties going out to bars and clubs. Spending my money to impress people.

I'm hard on myself. I mean, I even struggle with my weight. At my heaviest, I was almost two hundred thirty pounds. I'm now at two hundred six. Which is good, I've lost weight, gained muscle. I quit smoking, and I don't drink soda or energy drinks anymore. But with my hours at work, I'm not eating like I should. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I put myself where I'm at.

I try to take advice about dating. But honestly, for me, it's just not having the time. I work long hours, and sometimes I don't get a day off. So I just throw myself into my writing. Throw myself into my work. Throw myself into video games. I throw myself into things that keep me busy.

It would be great to have someone I can talk to every day and go on adventures with. Someone to love me for who I am. Flaws and all. I always told myself that when I decide to marry, that's it. I don't want a divorce. Once I'm married, I'm married that's it. I'm also old-fashioned.

I like to court a woman before dating her. Just so I can see where it goes. But then, it always ends the same. I court them, and then I get smacked with the "such a great friend" speech. I get told that I'm adorable. Once I hear those words, I just stop. I'm put in the friend zone.

I isolate myself for about a week a two, trying to figure out where I went wrong. Sure, my friends try to take me out drinking, but I don't. I don't want to drown my sorrows with a double Jack and Coke. That's the last thing I want to do. I watch movies, I've seen the shows. It's all the same. Girl falls for guy or guy falls for girl and they live happily ever after.

I'm into that whole romantic thing. I try to treat them with respect and show them that they are worth something to someone. I'm that single friend that gives out relationship advice and I'm not even in one! Yes, that pisses me off to an extent. Why am I even giving relationship advice? Half the time they don't even take it. So why even try?

I guess what I'm trying to say is, yes, I've put myself out there. Yes, I've tried the dating sites. Yes, I've been on dates. But nothing ever comes of it. I just want someone to laugh with, someone to hold, someone to love, and someone to just tell me everything is going to be okay. I take care of people and I try to take care of myself. I just need a little help.

Just once, it would be nice for someone to take care of me. Eight years is a long time to be single. I guess it's just finally getting to me. It's getting to the point where I feel numb. Like, I can't feel anything anymore. I feel like I can't love. I love my family, I love my friends.

But falling in love with someone is going to be too hard for me. Maybe this time someone should chase me, instead of me chasing them.

Michelle Hill
Michelle Hill
Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
Michelle Hill

I'm 30 and taking  each day one at a time. Writing is my passion and I'm also a huge movie buff. Music is another way I escape reality for a while. I live in VA, and I have traveled a bit. I hope to share my words with the world. 

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