Signs Your Best Friend Is a Covert Narcissist

by: E.B. Johnson

Is your friendship toxic or exhausting? If you feel like this connection is one sided, it may be possible that you’re dealing with a covert narcissist. Narcissists are charming, and they know how to pinpoint our weaknesses in exceptional ways. The covert narcissist is especially dangerous and can find their way easily into our social circles. Do you feel like your friend may be a narcissist in disguise? Educate yourself, look out for the signs, and take action to protect yourself in the most conflict-free fashion that you can.

Signs your friend is a covert narcissist.

Friendships are complex and dynamic. In a way, we’re merging our lives with someone else who has different ideas and interests than us. That always takes a bit of balance, but with the covert narcissist this is even harder to accomplish. Does your friend insist on getting their own way? Do they exist in a state of perpetual victimhood? Or drain you with their negativity and complaints? It’s time for you to be honest and admit the signs you’ve been ignoring.

One way to see things

When someone is a narcissist — in any form — there’s only one way to see things. The narcissist friend isn’t someone who is open to other people calling the shots. They expect all their friends to see the world the way they do, and then that doesn’t happen there’s major trouble in paradise. Everything has to be seen through their point of view, and everything has to be done according to their wishes. When you (or anyone else) steps out of line, it turns into upset that threatens to splinter the group.

Always under attack

What happens when you try to address issues with your narcissistic friend? Do they make it safe for you to express concerns? Do they encourage you to share your feelings? Or do they see any attempt at fixing issues as an attack? Narcissists take advice as criticism and attack. To tell a narcissist you want them to correct something is to attack them on a personal level. They are willing to criticize you at the drop of a hat, but they are unable and unwilling to accept even the most basic form of honesty from you.

Paper-thin generosity

We typically think of the narcissist as someone who is grandiose; a braggart who forces the world to acknowledge their greatness. But that’s not how the covert narcissists manifests this need to be publicly adored. Rather than standing up as a traditional commercial braggart, the cover narcissist promotes one’s self through their “kindness” and “altruism” (communal narcissism). They believe they’re exceptionally empathic or generous. They say things like, “I’m the most helpful person I know; I do everything for my friends, they do nothing for me.” Any kindness, though, is self-serving.

Attacking mutuals

There are a lot of ways in which narcissists gain control of a friend group, but the most common way is by sowing discord among the members and tearing them down. More often than not, this is done by attacking mutuals in the group. They use this tactic to pit friends against one another. Narcissists demand your loyalty but happily everyone around them (especially those who “step out of line”). They will share secrets and destroy anyone who enjoys success outside of their stranglehold. It’s also not uncommon to use grudges against friends and expect their mutual friends to do the same.

Endlessly draining

Dealing with a narcissist is an exhausting experience. Hanging out with them isn’t fun — it’s emotionally and physically draining, as you spend all your time catering to their needs. You do this by either running around and doing things for them, or by doing an exhausting amount of emotional heavy-lifting. The covert narcissists will expect you to listen to all their problems and even fix their emotions for them. You become a sponge for their negativity, and that experience is exhausting enough to drive anyone to the edge.

Corroding self-esteem

Narcissists have to be in charge of every relationship that they’re in. That includes their friendships. This stems from their low self-esteem. Because they are insecure at the root, they have to put others below them. The most common way the covert narcissist does this is by slowly tearing down those around them. They will do what they can to rip your self-esteem down little-by-little.T this makes you easier control and more likely to fall in line to the group they are forming around them. It also gives them a sense of superiority.

Bottomless entitlement

There is nothing that indicates the narcissist in your life like entitlement. While they may be insecure at their core, the narcissist still sees themselves as the center of the universe. Believing they are the most important friend in the group, they can come to believe they’re entitled to your time, your energy, and even your personal space (when it suits them). In that same stroke, they’re not there for you in the same way. It’s take-take-take with a narcissistic friend.

Perpetual victimhood

With the covert narcissist, grandiosity isn’t the key to getting everything that they want. As a matter of fact, they have a much more subtle way of manipulating those around them. Rather than overtly claiming their superiority, they use their victimhood to bend people to their will. There’s always a sob story, or some drama, that requires the utmost in compassion and empathy. Friends become used to putting their own issues on the back-burner so that they can tend to the constant needs of their “victim” friend.

What you can do next.

Is your friend a covert narcissist? It’s important that you take steps to protect yourself and your wellbeing. Break the spell of the charm and the manipulation, and take a step back to see things as they really are. Your friendship is toxic, and it’s only going to get worse unless you learn to set boundaries and separate yourself from them.

1. Take time to observe

It’s difficult to admit that our friends are narcissists. We can personalize that discovery too easily and come to doubt our ability to see people as they are. This type of self-doubt is precisely how the narcissists in our lives keep control, though. They use this doubt to undermine our sense of self and the boundaries we know to be important. That’s why we have to give ourselves time to wake up and see things as they are. Space is the best way to do that.

Before you react, take a beat and step back to observe the dynamics of your relationship and your friend group. Can you more clearly see the stages of friendship and how they create co-dependent cesspools of toxic interaction? When we step back to observe, we are better able to see and accept what’s happening.

This is a process you’ll need to engage in a time or two before you get it right. Journaling is a great way to get started. Take note each time you feel as though something isn’t right. Pull back, witness your friend’s behavior, and observe how it affects your own emotions. Does their behavior change the way you think about yourself? Does it increase conflict in your friend groups? Or keep you from doing things that make you happy? Keep a record and refer to it so that you can identify the patterns and accept them.

2. Stop over-investing

Friends of narcissists over-invest in their negative and manipulative compatriots. That’s the trademark sign of the relationship. Narcissists surround themselves with people who will pay tribute and do their dirty work. Ultimately, that’s all they care about. That’s why you have to stop paying tithe to the monster that’s living under your bed. Separating from a narcissist is a process, and one of the earliest steps must involve taking back our energy and power.

Break the spell with your friend once-and-for-all. See them for who they are and stop investing every ounce of your time and energy into them and their endless piles of drama and upset. They will continue to consume whatever you put into them, and they will drain you until you are of no value to them.

Stop giving away your power and your presence. Stop selling yourself short and allowing your boundaries (and your happiness) to be trampled on. Only by breaking this emotional spell can we wake up and take action against the friend that is undermining our happiness. Pull back. Avoid doing all the emotional heavy-lifting that your friend demands. Focus on doing that same work on your own life (and validating relationships) instead.

3. Set better boundaries

Every relationship needs boundaries in order to thrive. We get nowhere by committing to people who don’t respect us or make us feel uncomfortable. Our friends should support us, and they should make us feel valued and wanted in the connections we build with them. That happens by respecting our needs and making sure not to cross the line on our values and wishes. In order to phase the narcissists out of your life, set better boundaries and stick to them.

Draw a line around the way you want to be treated and refuse to compromise on it. Our boundaries are necessary when dealing with a narcissist. Stop answering the phone in the middle of the night. Stop going above and beyond to show up for someone who only values you as a useful tool in their life.

Let your friend know you will not cross the line for them anymore. You can communicate this directly if you feel comfortable. Or, you can simply stop playing their games and remove yourself anytime you feel your boundaries compromised. There’s no right or wrong way to set boundaries. Get clear on how you want to be treated and what you expect in terms of return from your friendships. Prioritize the most important pieces and refuse to compromise on any boundaries that touch on your happiness.

Putting it all together…

Although we try to surround ourselves with the best people we can, we can find our friend groups penetrated by the charms of the covert narcissist. Take a step back and take a beat to observe the patterns that are repeating in your friendships. Look for the idealization stages and then watch as other friend disappoint the narcissist and are outcast through discarding. Once you’ve accepted who your friend is, break the spell and stop investing all of your time and energy into them. Pull away slowly and prepare yourself for the inevitable fallout that will come (in whatever form it takes). Surround yourself with people you can trust and stand strong beside the boundaries that mean the most to you. You can’t surround yourself with toxic, narcissistic friends and hope to be happy. Separate yourself slowly and remove yourself entirely from the narcissist’s line of sight. Then you can create room for better, more rewarding friendships to come into your life.

• Luchner, A. F., Mirsalimi, H., Moser, C. J., & Jones, R. A. (2008). Maintaining boundaries in psychotherapy: Covert narcissistic personality characteristics and psychotherapists. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice, Training, 45(1), 1–14. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-3204.45.1.1