Shiraz from Australia

Restaurant - Night

Thomas sits alone overlooking the drink menu.

A WAITER walks up to his table.

Waiter: Dining just for 1 sir?

Thomas: No, actually for 2. Waiting for my date!

Waiter: Oh a date, congratulations!

Thomas: Thank you!

Thomas browses through the menu.

Thomas: Aha! I'll have two glasses of the 2013 Napa Merlot. My date loves Merlot.

Waiter: Fine thinking! And fantastic choice, the 2013 Napa Merlot is exceptional!

Thomas: Thank you!

Thomas closes his drink menu.

Waiter just stands there.

Thomas: That will be all.

Waiter: Yes, but sir, we are out of the 2013 Napa Merlot.

Thomas: What?

Waiter: I said: (getting louder) we are out of the --

Thomas: -- I heard what you said! But you said the wine was exceptional!

Waiter: I also said we are all out.

Thomas: Why didn't you tell me you were out?

Waiter: I just did sir.

Thomas: I mean before you took my order.

Waiter: Oh, my sincerest apologies. I was merely overwhelmed with choice of varietal and such a romantic gesture I was overtaken. But sadly, we are all out.

Thomas: So, you have no 2013 Napa Merlot?

Waiter: Yes....NO 2013 Napa Merlot.

Thomas opens the menu

Thomas: But in the menu it says 2013 Napa Merlot.

Waiter: Where does it say that sir?

Thomas looks through, pointing on the page.

Thomas: Right here! Right here it says Napa Merlot 2013.

Waiter: Oh what an excellent year for Merlot!

Thomas: You said that already! But now I am confused as to why it says Napa Merlot 2013 on the menu, yet there is none.

Waiter: My apologies for the confusion. But as to the reason why it says Napa Merlot 2013, which is an excellent bottle, yet there is none confuses even myself. Trust me sir, I am just as enraged as you are at this very moment.

Thomas: You are enraged?

Waiter: Yes, boiling with anger.

Thomas: Well, what are we gonna do? My date loves Napa Merlot!

Waiter: Your passion is admirable. Your date is a very lucky man!

Thomas: Oh no, I'm actually straight.

Waiter: Nice. So...straight or super straight?

Thomas: What do you mean by straight or super straight? There's a difference?

Waiter: Oh sir, just as there is a difference between Napa Merlot and a Shiraz from Australia. There is a HUGE difference.

Thomas: Please explain?

Waiter: Straight people don't mind being with people who are transgender, but super straight prefer to be with people solely born as their gender.

Thomas: Interesting.

Waiter: Yes, so which one are you?

Thomas: I guess super straight.

Waiter: Very nice. I support your cause.

Thomas: Thank you! I'm happy we cleared that up, but we are still no closer to a solution to the lack of 2013 Napa Merlot. My date is going to be here soon.

Waiter: I have an idea sir! Might I suggest you order something of similar caliber, and just tell her it is 2013 Napa Merlot.

Thomas: What do you mean?

Waiter: Well sir, we offer plenty wines that taste quite similar to Napa Merlot, if not identical.

Thomas: Why didn't you already recommend something if you knew I could order something of the same caliber?

Waiter: Well sir, I am not the house Sommelier. Sadly, Boris has come down with a strange illness, and taking that responsibility would be an imposition on my part that a man of my nature is too dignified to disrespect. However, the Napa Cabernet drinks just as well as the Napa Merlot. Some say they are indistinguishable.

Thomas: Well, let me have the Cabernet!

Waiter: Fine choice sir!

Waiter stands there.

Thomas: Yes?

Waiter: Sir, would you care for a Cabernet that tastes most similar to a Merlot, or a more balanced drink?

Thomas: My intention is to order a Napa Merlot, yet I have to order a Napa Cabernet. So of course I want the Napa Cabernet that taste most similar to a Napa Merlot.

Waiter: Might I recommend the --

Thomas:-- I don't care what you recommend just give me the wine that tastes most similar to Napa Merlot.

Waiter: Very fine sir. And for food?

Thomas: No food! I can't believe this!

Waiter: Believe what sir?

Thomas: Why at such a fine establishment such as this one, does it say on the menu that there is Napa Merlot when there is clearly none in stock? And why my waiter is bombarding me to break social etiquette by ordering a meal before my date arrives? And why am I left to getting lectured about sexuality?

Waiter: Yes...yes.. And why are you ordering drink before your date arrives; and why are you on a date, yet, you are dateless...and..and why are you super straight when you clearly come off as bi-sexual?

Thomas: What are you doing?

Waiter: I thought we were playing a game.

Thomas: Please just get my wine!

Waiter: Very well sir!

Waiter leaves and Thomas sinks into his seat.

Another Waiter walks by with a plate of beef. Thomas looks to the food on the tray as it is put down on the table behind him.

Man: Yehaww this steak looks like is finna be a good one ain't that right honey?

Woman: Darling, this looks like the best cut of beef, and its a good thing we got this 2013 Napa Merlot to wash it down with!

Thomas overhears the Napa Merlot comment.

The Waiter returns with Thomas' wine.

Waiter: Sir, I have your 2013 Napa Merlot (winks). Would you care to taste?

Thomas: I thought you said you didn't have 2013 Napa Merlot!

Waiter: We don't have 2013 Napa Merlot sir.

Thomas: How come that table behind me has some?

Waiter: Which table?

Thomas nudges his head.

Waiter: Which one?

Thomas nudges his head again.

Waiter: Oh, the table behind you with the cowboy hats?

Thomas: Shush.. You mentioned there is no 2013 Napa Merlot, but they just mentioned they are drinking some with their meal.

Waiter: That is impossible sir, we are all out of 2013 Napa Merlot.

Thomas: Not according to them. They have a whole bottle that they are drinking with their meal.

Waiter: Sir, if my memory serves me correctly we have been out of the 2013 Napa Merlot all week.

Thomas: You've been out of it all week? Why didn't you tell me that when I came in?

Waiter: Sir, the job of a server is much harder than people give credit for. Undermining the service industry seems to be a common ideal amongst this generation.

Thomas: I'm sorry. I just want to get some Napa Merlot, and that couple over there has a whole bottle.

Waiter: Are you sure sir?

Thomas: Yes, I heard them. They have a whole bottle of 2013 Napa Merlot.

Waiter: Who would have known they would have such fine taste!

Thomas: How do you explain them having a bottle of 2013 Napa Merlot which is clearly on the menu, yet you say there is none in stock?

Waiter: I don't know sir.

Thomas: Did they bring it?

Waiter: Not at all sir, we have a strict no byob policy. I shall investigate.

Waiter goes to speak with the couple

Thomas looks from afar.

Waiter comes back.

Waiter: Sir, it seems I have made a grave mistake. They apparently DID order that bottle of 2013 Napa Merlot at this establishment, and it INDEED was our last bottle.

Thomas: I was right, you did have the 2013 Napa Merlot!

Waiter: But sir, there is none left now. All there is left is Napa Cabernet.

Thomas: I know, but my date desires 2013 Napa Merlot.

Waiter: But sir, I must say the Napa Cabernet is indistinguishable to the base palate which I'm sure you're date, if she is to arrive, has been given.

Thomas: She is arriving! And she doesn't have a base palate, she is a trans Atlantic traveler who has spent many summers traveling around the globe. What if she finds me out immediately? What if she thinks me to be a low base peasant who lacks etiquette and taste?

Waiter: That would be quite an unfortunate scenario sir...

Thomas: Very unfortunate indeed. It has been months since I have been on a date. Months! With this global pandemic, and the pressure of online dating I have finally found a girl who knows wine, who knows culture!

Waiter: Your passion is admirable sir, what shall we do then?

Thomas: We must ask that couple behind me to share their 2013 Napa Merlot with us!

Waiter: Sir, We are an establishment that frowns on byob, but we equally frown upon aagfd.

Thomas: Aafgd?

Waiter: It stands for: ask another guest for drink!

Thomas: I didn't know the restaurant industry had such an acronym.

Waiter: No one truly knows the underbelly of the kitchen. Why if they did fine dining would have died ages ago.

Thomas: I must get this 2013 Napa Merlot for my date!

Waiter: Sir, I understand your concern for the Napa Merlot, but the Napa Cabernet drinks just the same; and sir, its been a while are you sure your date is coming?

Thomas: Of course she's coming! Her dating profile says that she doesn't ghost people. And these apps don't lie.

Waiter: You have a point there.

Thomas: And when she arrives I shall like to have 2 glasses of 2013 Napa Merlot waiting for her!

Waiter: Very well sir! Your passion to please you non-existent date is admirable! It has made me realize in this very moment that my status as a server has been below par, and I must rise to the occasion, breaking our honorable industry code to compensate for another. This is a grand sacrifice, but one I'm willing to make in the name of good service. I WILL get you your 2013 Napa Merlot!

Thomas: Really? Thank Heavens! Your tip shall grand!

Waiter: It better!

Waiter walks away to the table behind Thomas.

Waiter comes back after a few moments with 2 glasses of 2013 Napa Merlot.

Thomas: This is a proud day! How on Earth did you convince them?

Waiter: Sir, I've been in this business for quite a while. You learn a few things...I also offered 2 free deserts with my comp.

Thomas: I owe you big time.

Waiter: Yes you do sir! Before your date arrives do you need anything else? For me to ask that couple to share their appetizer? Or ask that couple over their for their --

Thomas: -- I get the point.

Waiter: Sorry, just some restaurant humor sir.

Thomas sees his date walk in

Thomas: She's here!

Waiter: She's real! And might I add she is gorgeous!

Thomas: Yes she is, now get out of here.

Waiter: I'll be watching from a distance. Godspeed my friend.

Thomas: Thank you!

Waiter walks away.

Alyssa walks to the table.

Alyssa: So sorry I'm late! I had a doctors appointment.

Thomas: Oh you are fine. I've only just got here.

Alyssa: Very well then. Oh, the drinks are already here!

Thomas: The service here is incredible!

Thomas gives a thumbs up to the Waiter who give a thumbs up back.

Waiter observes from a distance.

Thomas: So, is everything alright?

Alyssa: Yes, I just had my annual check-up after my sex change.

Thomas: Sex change?

Alyssa: Yes, did you not see on my profile that I'm trans woman from atl?

Thomas: Oh...you are a transsexual from Atlanta. Not a trans Atlantic traveler?

Alyssa: No silly, I've never left the south. You aren't shocked are you? I knew this would work because your profile said you were straight. This would be awful if you turned out to be super straight...you aren't super straight are you?

Thomas looks to the Waiter who smiles at him from a distance.

Thomas: No, not at all. Please try the wine.

Alyssa: I'm SO relieved to hear. And I hope you know I liked you because you seem sweet, open minded, and have this sort of bi-sexual look that turns me on.

Alyssa lifts her glass

Alyssa: To us!

Thomas: Yes, to us.

Alyssa drinks the wine.

Alyssa: That is great! I love Shiraz from Australia!

Thomas and the Waiter both are shocked.