She Should Be Kissed

The students flock into the classroom, its walls and chalkboard coated in shocking shades of pink. A freckled, redhead slumps into her seat, an empty desk with a girl in it. She scoffs at herself for thinking elementary school was harsh with kids comparing decorated paper-plate card holders to see whose contained the most Valentines. Cheerleaders parade into the class to pass out carnations, and her head drops. Her eyes run along the black and white lines in her novel, eagerly gobbling each letter and word. Over a thousand pages to devour of Margaret Mitchell’s Gone with the Wind. Not a usual choice for a teen in 1984, but she’s not a usual girl. Let the cool kids get the flowers. She’ll take a trip, any trip, out of the ordinary and into a world where she should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how.

She sees them walking in a straight line, that's not really her style.

And they all got the same heartbeat, but hers is falling behind.

Nothing in this world could ever bring them down.

Yeah, they're invincible, and she's just in the background. – Echosmith

The bell rings, signaling the transition to English class. Keeping her head down, she ignores the splash of sherbet-colored carnations on her classmate’s desk as she passes.

“I didn’t do it,” she says, opting for a failing grade, when the teacher calls her name to read her poem. The newly-born words on the paper beneath her textbook suffocate and expire. Not one to question, the teacher moves on to the next name. After class, she tears her paper into pieces so small that barely a blue-inked letter could be identified. Something hot briefly burns in her belly, before it slithers off to its hiding place.

Oh, hard to hold this fire inside me

All I know, sometimes it's frightening

Hard to hold this fire inside me

Oh, oh oh, it's not really like me to lash out –Alice Merton

A substitute teacher in gym class means no dressing out. She recognizes the sub, a Vietnam vet with a missing arm that she’s taken a few karate classes from. She beelines to a bottom rung on a bleacher to fade away into her book. He ad-libs a push-up challenge for the class as she hunches over Gone with the Wind, ignoring the kids posturing and panting on the matted floor. Until, she’s called out.

She looks up as he says her name in an attempt to chip away her camouflage.

“I’ve seen you do more push-ups than them. Come on, let’s see what you got.”

He knows what’s she capable of, but she just shakes her head.

And my anger surrounds me

Like a coat when I shiver

I let it surround me with

These thoughts often so bitter

But friend, if you'd help me

I think I'd make it through this winter

You said I'm capable of so much more

Than these people give me credit for

And I just need to show it –The Wild Reeds

She ducks into the restroom instead of the cafeteria, a close call with a teacher looking for the truant. She places her hands on the cold walls of the stall. Her palms and fingers spread to cover the carved hearts and initials etched into the metal. After the first tear falls, the rest follow in streams.

You've been acting awful tough lately

Smoking a lot of cigarettes lately

But inside, you're just a little baby

It's okay to say you've got a weak spot

You don't always have to be on top

Better to be hated

Than loved loved loved for what you’re not –Marina and the Diamonds

In math class, she drifts off to the lullaby of constants and coefficients, her head on her textbook, drool dripping off her lip. A moment’s peace to dream. Falling, falling, almost there, until her body betrays her with a jolt. Roused back to reality, she wipes her chin.

When my ship comes in, I'll be happenin'

After all these years, I'll be happy

When my ship comes in you'll finally love me

Then I can leave you when my ship comes in –Jill Sobule

“Tomorrow is another day,” she thinks as she walks home.

And the tomorrow after that? What comes after the graduation tassel moves right to left and is tucked away in her memory chest?

'Cause I am done with my graceless heart

So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart

'Cause I like to keep my issues strong

It's always darkest before the dawn- Florence + the Machine