Shards Of Being: Ch. 8

When I wasn’t participating in one of Marina’s strenuous outdoor activities, I was in my hotel room either burying my face in a book or burying myself in my pillow after taking sleeping pills. Knocking out and not dreaming about Dave was the only thing that was keeping my head above water right about now. Even now, as I woke up from another three hour nap, I felt myself wanting to reach for another sleeping pill on my bedside table, but a knock on my hotel room door stopped me. I rubbed my tired face and popped a mint into my mouth as I placed my feet into my slippers and headed towards the door to open it.

Sighing deeply, I stepped aside to let Marina in and closed the door behind her.

“Don’t tell me you signed us up for Bull Riding,” I protested and she smirked as she watched me plop down onto my bed and cover myself with my comforter.

“Nico and I are worried about you. I only brought him because Dave made him promise to look after you and he can’t do that if you’re knee deep in happy pills, Sophia,” Marina insisted, reaching into my stash and I snatched it out of her hands before she could do anything reckless with them. Like flush them down the toilet. It wouldn’t be the first time.

“Weren’t you the one who warned me to stay away from him?” I reminded her, as I buried my stash underneath my pillow and plopped it up as I looked at her. Nothing she was saying was making sense. Dave and Nico hadn't spoken in a while. Why would he ask Nico to look after me and why would Nico agree to it?

Unless he knew. No. How could he? Dave had no idea what Brian looked like.

“You haven't been around since Dave’s funeral. He’s a completely different person. My family has officially welcomed him back into the church with open arms.”

“You mean he’s not disowed anymore?” I deeply curious because Marina’s family had buried roots in religion and anyone who didn’t follow the sacrilegious rules that came within the Bible, was completely shunned. The fact that he’d been able to change their minds after years of heavy disobedience, made me question his intentions once again.

“Nope! Now get up. There’s a jacuzzi downstairs with your name on it. I reserved it for you and made sure they kept the mango smoothies coming,” Marina informed me and I smiled at her. That actually didn’t sound too bad.

“You just get me and I appreciate that,” I feigned tears and she chuckled as she reached in to hug me.

“You also smell like you’re about to have sex tonight. So what’s the deal? Same guy from the pool?” I mentioned as soon as I got a whiff of her strong perfume. Her blush and sheepish grin only confirmed my statement. Marina might come from a religious background, but the rules never mattered to her. She only knew God wanted her to be happy, and that was the only rule she was willing to follow.

“His name is Eric. And he’s one hell of a kisser for a yankee,” Marina offered and I nodded in approval as I got up and started to get dressed.

“At least one of us is getting some.”

“What about Joseph? He’s so into you, the wall could see it,” she added and I chuckled as I put on my flip flops and I grabbed my room keys and phone before we headed out.

“He’s got his own toy to play with now. I need to find my own,” I explained with a smile. I was happy for him. Really. I was. But I couldn’t ignore how my thoughts wandered off towards him from time to time on the days when the pain I was carrying was anchoring me down deep enough to suffocate me. I only wished he’d sometimes just stop being such a gentleman and reached in to kiss me out of my misery. Of course, this was the exhaustion talking and it would obviously be a bad idea because then, he’d know for sure we had kissed before and the reason behind it. I know he's been wondering about the girl on the beach. He still had no idea who it was and the fact that it had been me. I’d take that secret to the grave if I had to. He didn’t have to know just how fucked up I was.

Not yet.

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I was on my second mango smoothie when I felt someone get into the jacuzzi with me. I brought myself out of my relaxed state and opened my eyes, ready to curse them out. When I realized it was Nico who was sitting across from me, in close proximity, the scent of his cologne completely taking over my senses, I had to keep reminding myself he was off limits. He was Dave’s best friend and Marina’s cousin. He wasn’t another guy I could easily discard whenever I no longer needed him.

He'd racked up quite the reputation back in Houston and I for one did not want to be part of the abundance of girls he surrounded himself with. Not to mention that Dave would've flipped. He wasn't here, I knew that. I carried that loss heavily in my bones. But Nico seemed to be taking advantage of it. He was in for a rude awakening if he thought this was how he would honor Dave's wishes.

“Must you ruin everything on this trip?” I began my verbal attack, which I only used when my natural defenses were on vacation and my resistance was low. Clearly having Nico wearing nothing but black swimming shorts and a crooked smile was doing my mental state no good. I was conflicted. Stuck between letting my grief take me down into the abyss or let him distract me long enough to swim up to the surface.

“Marina sent me. She wanted me to make sure you weren’t drowning yourself in the jacuzzi,” he explained, and I replied with a scoff.

“That’s for amateurs. I’d much prefer a less-dramatic approach.”

“So death amuses you?” Nico asked, his stare boring into me, making me question why on earth I decided to engage into a conversation with him to begin with. He didn’t understand me at all. Most people didn't. My sense of humor was an acquired taste.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound--” I was interrupted by his laughter. He was teasing. I sighed, rolling my eyes as I began to exit the tub. I was stopped by the grip of his two hands. I flinched at his touch but he didn’t let go right away. Only when he noticed the sharp knives shooting out my eyes aiming at his balls.

“What’s your deal, Nico? I know you didn't come here to keep an eye on me like Marina claims.” The tension between us only grew with each second that passed. I lifted my chin up when he swam towards me, holding me hostage against his solid chest and the tub behind me. I didn’t look away from him. He needed to know I wasn’t intimidated by whatever it was he was trying to do.

“Dave never told you the real reason he came up to you that night two years ago, did he?” he mentioned his name again and my heart tightened and sank into the pit of despair I had built long ago when the concept of sadness was first introduced to me.

“I need air,” I informed him, and he nodded, backing away from me as I resumed to get out of the jacuzzi. I grabbed a towel and hurried into the changing room. I cursed when I noticed there was no lock on the door and hurried to change into my shorts and oversized t-shirt. As soon as I opened the door to the ladies changing room, Nico was there, fully clothed, arms crossed, waiting for me.

“Jesus, Nico. Will you give it a rest? I’m fine. I’m not going to hang myself from the shower rod.” There was no rebuttal. Only a simple tug of the arm as he pulled me around the corner, causing me to land on his chest. Before I could say anything, he crushed his lips to mine and kissed away any protest I had planned for him until I had no air left in me.

When he finally pulled away, he cursed as if he’d just made the biggest mistake of his life and walked out of the hotel lobby.

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I found Nico at the stables, a bucket full of vegetables to give to the eager neighing horses. He lived in a ranch back home. I figured I'd find him in a place that reminded him of home.

After an hour of overthinking and contemplating, I decided it was best to clean up the mess Dave had left behind. I wanted to start with Nico.

"You kissed me, and I want to know why?" I decided a straight-forward approach would be best. The usual evasive conversation wouldn't be beneficial at the moment.

Nico took a deep breath before he set the bucket down and turned to face me.

"It's not a big deal."

"Bullshit. You've hated my guts for the last two years and now that he's gone you think its your turn? God, has anyone ever told you you're a psychopath?" Storming off wasn't part of the plan. But I felt sick to my stomach and I wasn't about to let him see the reaction he had caused. How could he just stand there and be so aloof about everything? As if kissing his best friend's girl didn't complicate a single thing? The guy was infuriating and now I understood why everyone kept their distance from him. Nico was the personification of sabotage. He relished in it and dragged anyone else down with him if he damned well pleased.

"He wasn't the guy you think he was, you know!" he shouted as he caught up to me, out of breath and in my way, determined to stay that way.

"No one is who they say they are, Nico," I reminded him, crossing my arms.

"True. But what if you decided not to care who he was? Or who he was with?" he began, pausing momentarily as I looked away, "...what if you decided to love him eventhough you knew he'd never love you the same way?"

I looked at him for a moment, processing his words, soaking them in until I realized what he was trying to say.

"You like being in pain, Sophia. Dave did too. There's nothing fucking romantic about that," he clarified and shook his head as he took a step back, stopping himself from removing a stray tear running down my cheek.

"Why'd you kiss me, Nico?" As I waited for his answer, I wiped my tears with the back of my hand and closed my eyes.

"He couldn't stay away from you. I wanted to see why," he said softly as he stepped closer, reaching to touch my cheek. Another round of tears ran down my cheeks as Nico brushed his lips against mine. I couldn't help but numb myself of the consequences of what I was doing. I just wanted to stop hurting. I wanted to feel anything but empty.

"This is wrong, you know," I stated one last time, pulling away from him, making sure he knew exactly what he was signing up for before he got lost down the rabbit hole with me.

"Darlin', there's not much I've done right in my life anyway. You won't be any different."