Shadows In The Hall

Chapter Four

Shadows of loving the unlovable: Becoming a house parent

My three children were still youngsters when I made the decision to deviate from Nursing for a while. I wanted to spend more time with them while they were still small. I was the one who worked, my first husband, Dale, their father, stayed home with them. He didn’t have a trade and had difficulty finding a job, so we traded places. Plus, I was paid better.

I was reading the paper one day, when I noticed an ad for house parents to live on the grounds. I thought this was great. I could be home with my kids while we did this job if they would hire us.

I applied, telling them I had never been a house parent, but I had been in a foster home as a child, (like a group home) plus I was a parent and a Nurse now. I also made clear that my own children were young and made sure that would be OK as well. It wasn’t long before we had our interview and were hired. We were promised education and support in our work.

We didn’t own our home, so moving was easy. We traveled from Modesto to a place that is near Merced. When we arrived, we went to the office. We met Henry, the Administrator, who showed us to our house. We saw two more houses not far away which already occupied by the boys and their house parents. The other two houses were the only other ones currently. The property and the Boys Home were basically new. Hank talked about the growth they hoped to obtain.

Our Group home had two bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs and a very large dorm-like bedroom on the bottom floor with it’s own bathroom. My husband and I took one room, and we put our three kids in the larger bedroom, easy to do since they were ages, 5, 3 and 1 years old. Having a packet with all the rules and regulations for the Boys Home, I decided to make a written list of rules to post on the wall. If there were any questions about expectations from the boys, they could look at the rules at any time. I could also draw their attention to it when needed during a discipline situation or whatever I needed.

Hank told us there would be a meeting the next morning and gave us money for groceries to have in the house. I asked if Dale could go to the meeting alone, since I didn’t want to leave my children alone OR would it be alright if we brought the children along? He agreed to let us bring the children. I was glad because I wanted to hear everything myself.

When we arrived, we were introduced to the other house parents. John was very tall and thin, long haired with a full long beard, wearing jeans and a tee shirt. I thought he looked a bit like a Hippy. Andy was shorter, also with longer hair, and a beard but more muscular in appearance. Their wives were there with them, sitting quietly.

Henry, the administrator, wore casual apparel too, but more professional with his dress pants and a short sleeve dress shirt with no tie as well, but was clean shaven and hair neatly cropped. With his example, I was a bit surprised to see these house parent’s garb, I thought they would be more professional not so “redneck.”

Andy and John were the leaders of the meeting. After they had covered their planned agenda, they turned to me. “You know that these boys are borderline CYA right? They will run over you.”

I had been told they were Juvenile Delinquents, so I was not surprised to hear them called borderline CYA (California Youth Authority, the prison for kids). It meant that they were looking at “doing time” if their stay at the Boys Home failed. I understood already that this meant they were trying to socialize these antisocial type personalities, the criminal kind after all. That didn’t frighten me. I’m Taurus the Bull, which means I can be stubborn. Don’t tell I can’t do something; I will show you that I can! Remember I was raised by Earl! My foster Dad, the most stubborn man, as well as get it done man I had ever met. Daddy’s answer when you said you couldn’t do it or didn’t know how? “I guess you better learn!”

I smiled at them, saying nothing. I knew what I needed; they didn’t have a clue. I wasn’t worried. I had dealt with all kinds of patients and people already in my short career. Bring it on!

After being given a couple days to get moved in and get organized, Henry phoned me. “Linda, we’re going to give you your first boy. He is 14years old. His name is Tom. If you can handle this boy, you can handle anybody OK? He’s been here nearly a year already. He doesn’t follow directions; he doesn’t shower regularly; he gets in fights and uses drugs. His clothes are dirty. He’s loud and rambunctious, he cusses, and he is not doing well in school. He’ll be coming over when school’s out.” The school was on the grounds.

“OK. I’ll watch for him. Thank you.” I smiled confidently.

Before I knew it, a heavier set, tall 14-year-old brown-haired boy came bounding up the stairs, loudly, in his steel toed boots, to find me in the kitchen cooking dinner. I turned around in time to see him, greeting him with, “Hey Tom. Welcome. Do you like chicken? That’s what’s for dinner.”

He smiled and nodded. “Go ahead and wash your hands and face and get comfortable OK?” I added. We’ll talk after dinner.”

About that time my three little ones came into the kitchen. I introduced them to Tom., telling him their names and ages. He smiled sweetly at the children. For a kid causing so much trouble and being so difficult, there seemed to be a good side to him as well. I liked that feeling about this boy.

After dinner, Tom. and I sat down at the table. I showed him the written rules as we discussed them. I also let him know that all punishments fit the crime. In other words, if you put your boots on the wall, you will wash the wall. Once the discipline is completed it’s over. I didn’t like to carry these things out long term, it’s exhausting for both of us and fruitless as well. I sent him to his room to settle in.

Over the next two days, I reminded him to shower. On the third day, as I was coming downstairs to check on him, I heard the water running, I shouted, “Tom is that you in the shower?” When he answered yes, I smiled to myself, that wasn’t so hard. Humm??

While starting to do our family’s laundry, I realized that I had not discussed this chore with him. Thinking about it, I also remembered I hadn’t heard the washer running recently either, after all, he was already a resident. He would know how to run the machine. Right?

When Tom came out of the shower, I asked him if he had done any laundry lately. I explained I wouldn’t be sticking to a tight laundry schedule. When people need clean clothes, they need clean clothes! I encouraged him to wash his clothes as often as needed. He stared at me blankly. “At the other house I could only wash my clothes on Thursdays.”

“Well, washing them more often is OK with me.” I reassured him.

“But…. I don’t have a lot of clothes.” He explained.

“What do you have?” I quizzed. “Can I see?”

“Sure.” He led me to his bedroom. There he laid out a shirt, pair of pants and underclothing.

Bewildered I asked, “This is it?!?”

“Yeah!” he responded sheepishly.

“Well,” I exclaimed. “No wonder you never changed your clothes. You didn’t have any!”

I went to the telephone, dialing Henry. When he answered, I explained, “Tom. never changed his clothing at the other house because he doesn’t have any! One change is all. Is there money available to buy him clothes? We need to go shopping!”

By the next morning, Hank showed up with $50. Tom and I went to K-Mart and bought several outfits and underwear. It’s amazing how far money went in those days.

A week later, at our next meeting, we discussed having a music festival on the grounds. They also said they were serving beer to the adults. They promised the boys would never get any!! They were going to card everyone…. Right!! The house parents all knew better. We’re talking about “young criminals. “here!! If anybody could get what they weren’t supposed have…. they would...they did it before! That’s why they were here in the first place for Pete’s Sake!

It wasn’t long before the festival came to the Boys Home. There were so many people there it was difficult for everyone to keep up with their boys. It wasn’t long before, Tom was being escorted home by one the male staff. He was extremely intoxicated. I took one look at him and told him to go to bed, we would talk latter. I knew I would just be talking to the bottle at this point.

While my family sat outside listening to the music, I turned around to see Tom crawling out through the window. He was trying to sneak back to the festival! I hollered at him, “Get back in the house! Now!”

I immediately went into the house as well. Just as I entered the door, I found him coming down the stairs. I stopped him immediately.

“What do you think you’re doing? I told you to go to bed and then we would talk! You were trying to escape out the window! Now…. you’re walking around the house! That isn’t what I told you to do! You will listen to me and obey do you understand? Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Do you want to go to jail? I guess so, if you don’t want to behave!”

I started to talk to him about his record and the crimes he committed; explaining to him that I had read his folder. I talked to him about his behavior and how harmful it was to his life. How he was setting himself up to spend the rest of his life in jail. I went up one side of that boy and down the other. He never argued or hollered back at me. He just stood there listening to me, staring at me.

Then I exclaimed, “I ‘m not here to make money Tom! This job pays a lot less than my Nursing job. I came here because I felt I had something to contribute since I’ve been in a Foster Home myself. I'm here because I care about you! I care about you… whether you care about yourself or not! Now, go back to bed! And stay there!”

Quietly, Tom went down the stairs, heading to his room. I picked up the phone, reporting the event to Henry. He asked me what I wanted to do? I told him, I wanted to let the boy sleep it off. I also told him about the verbal-lashing I gave him and how he never argued with me or said anything disrespectful…just quietly returned to his room. I could hear Henry musing over my comments. What?? This never happens here. It does now!!

Tom was my only boy in the home for the first month. The facility obviously wanted to give me every opportunity to succeed…or…fall flat on my face…I don’t know what…. but I never paid attention to any of that, the only thing I was concerned with was working with these children…mine and theirs!

At the end of the first month, I received a call from the front office asking me to send Tom there when he got home from School, his Probation Officer was scheduled to show up and I was given me a specific time. When he got home, I reminded him of his appointment. He quickly jumped in the shower, changed his clothes, combed his hair and headed to the office as planned (without any direction from me!).

He was gone for about an hour when I received the phone call from Henry. With an excited and joyous tone, he relayed, “Linda we are going to give you 3 more boys, we would like to fill your house, how’s does that sound? We will of course raise your salary with each boy!”

Listening intently, I answered, “Yes???”

Continuing, Hank told me hold amazed and happy Tom’s Probation Officer was, after a year, to see this young lad show up for his meeting in clean clothes, clean shiny hair, combed even, and a respectful demeanor! He answered the PO’s questions quickly, appropriately and with a “Yes Sir and No Sir! (It was unheard of!! Wow!)

Listening, I just shook my head. What does it take to turn someone around? A little love and understanding? A discipline plan they can live with and not feel threatened? Have their basic human needs met with proper clothing and good food? Be treated with a little understanding and respect? What????

Thanking him for this great news, I felt a sense of accomplishment. I did it!! Of course, I did! Remember, Daddy said if you don’t know how to do something you better learn? I had already learned what I needed know from them. I used many of the parenting skills I grew up with to make me a better person.

It wasn’t long before, I received my next two boys, they kind of arrived around the same time. One boy, Gary was fifteen, Caucasian and the other boy Juan was the same age and Hispanic. When I read their records, I found out they were both thieves and robbers and quite adept at their skills, as I attested to with my own eyes.

We had been on an outing and I had forgotten my house key. The doors were all locked. Gary says to me, “Don’t worry Mom, I got this!”

With a very agile skill, he lifted the window up enough to undo the latch and quickly climbed in and unlocked the front door. I said to myself, “I see nothing!!!” as I quickly guided the children into the house.

Finally, I received my fourth boy, almost a man now at 17, Larry. He had already been a resident there at the facility for the past few months. I had gotten a peak at Larry’s history through my conversation the night before with his current house parent. Andy showed up at our house telling us that Henry had intended to move Larry from his house to ours and asked us to refuse to accept this boy. Telling me he was nothing but trouble, how he never co-operated, didn’t respect women, and on and on and on and most importantly, how six months of being confined to his room had done nothing to improve his behavior!

Wait a minute!! What?? First of all, we are house parents here on their property, employees, how do we refuse to take a child? This was their place, we lived by their rules! Worst of all, SIX months in his room?? I couldn’t believe my ears! I just stared at him blankly remaining silent…I had to! I knew if I opened my mouth, I would (definitely) insert foot!!

The next morning a tall, nearly 6 feet tall, blond haired, handsome young man entered our lives. I made the introductions all around, he stood there quietly and respectfully, answering appropriately. I caught myself staring at him in amazement. Who was this kid…Larry? Was he really a twin and I got the OTHER brother? From the picture Andy had painted I had expected someone…or…something else…. Humm???

I instructed him that after breakfast, which I was now serving to the group, he should go downstairs, get settled in and come back to talk to me and he agreed.

It wasn’t long before he returned as instructed, I asked him to set down at the table so we could talk. I pointed to my rule sheet hanging on the wall, going over each one, explaining what I expected. He listened intently and had no questions. I then walked around to the other side of the table, sitting down across from him.

I looked him straight in the eyes and I told him, “I know that you’ve been on restriction to your room for the last six months, Andy told me that. He didn’t tell me what for and I don’t care. What happened between the two of you is none of my business! When you were moved into my house you arrived with a clean slate” his eyes widened, I continued, “You are out of your room! Anything that happens from now on is between you and me! Today, I got no Beef! Go have some fun! There’s a basketball hoop on the side of the house.”

Grinning widely, he scurried out the door to join the other boys! A sense of joy and relief filled my heart. I could tell he appreciated my attitude and I felt like this boy might have a chance if someone just took a little time and attention with him. Cared about him.

I started to remember all the times Dad sat down with me at the kitchen table when I would get discouraged or worried and talk things out with me and make me feel stronger and more worthy. I began to wonder if I could fill those shoes as well, I hoped I would.

As well as writing up the house rules, I implemented another tool I grew up with that worked very well in our house with having from 6 to13 Foster kids at a time, living in the home. I had gotten a calendar with large squares for the days so every day I could put the work assignments up for the boys, teaching them responsibility. I never asked them or assigned them things I believed were mine to do, I only put things down like helping with cooking, dishes, vacuuming the front room, cleaning their bathroom, and their bedroom, etc.

The next day after making the calendar and showing it to the boys, I woke up to the sound of vacuuming. I looked over at Dale’s side of the bed and he was still sleeping. I knew it wasn’t one of my children, my oldest was five. I quickly got up, putting on my robe, to see who this cleaning fairy was and low and behold, it was Larry! He was doing a wonderful job, pulling out each piece of furniture, vacuuming underneath, finishing up and putting away the vacuum with the cord wrapped neatly in place. I stood in awe….. then confusion took over. How could such a troublemaker do such a good job? I shook my head in disbelief and headed to the kitchen to make breakfast, the boys would be headed to school soon.

A couple mornings later, I would get a much bigger piece of the puzzle for this “complicated, antisocial” young man. There were so many negative things the other houseparent told me about him. Sometimes he would socialize with the other boys and sometimes he would become belligerent and indifferent or tend to isolate. He was generally quiet around me and even when he didn’t know anyone was watching. I felt he was sad and definitely lonely, but he was hard to reach and tended to be standoffish, especially in groups. That first day when he and I talked, he was the most animated I ever saw him.

I was sleeping soundly, it was still early in the morning, around 6am. I awakened to hear Juan, screaming for me, “Mom! Mom! Get up! Help!!”

Rushing out the bedroom door, while trying to put on my robe, I met Juan at the top of the stairs. With a frantic look on his face, he exclaimed, “Hurray Mom! Something is wrong with Larry!”

Together, we both rushed down the stairs and into the dorm. On the floor, sprawled out, arms and legs flinging erratically, frothing at the mouth, was Larry, having a grand mal seizure! Oh my God! I had just finished reading his file the night before. As a Nurse, I would have paid close attention to a detail like this! Did I miss something? My mind raced and my heart pounded in my chest as I hollered out instructions to the other boys to move the furniture and objects away from his area to prevent as much injury as possible, There weren’t any padded tongue blades like there were in the hospital to prevent biting the tongue, so I looked for something safe to stick in his mouth but when I found it, his teeth were clinched tight, nothing left to do but wait and watch.

It was over quickly, and he fell into a deep relaxed state. Once I was sure he was safe and after instructing the boys to watch him, I scurried upstairs to reread his chart. I scanned it quickly. Nowhere did I see any mention of seizures or medication of any kind on this boys’ records. I hadn’t missed anything….it just wasn’t there! My mind then raced back to the conversation with Andy, this man had him in his care for at least six months! He never said a thing about seizures! What?? Wait…a…minute!! How the hell would he even know if the kid had seizures? He was in his room every day for SIX MONTHS! Only, coming out for meals and school... Oh no !!

Finding the phone, I quickly dialed Henry, when he answered, I announced, “You want to know why Larry is antisocial and moody? He doesn’t want the other boys to make fun of him because he has seizures!! He just had a grand mal seizure in his room five minutes ago! There was no mention of that in his records!!”

After a long silence, he spoke, “Is he Okay? Did he get hurt?”

Softly, I answered, “No…we did everything we could to prevent injury. I haven’t been able to check his mouth yet, he’s sleeping it off right now and the other boys are watching him while I called you. Should I take him to the Hospital? I don’t even know what kind of medication he takes! What am I supposed to tell the Doctor?”

“No, he’s OK Let me find out what I can about this, first, I’ll talk to people and get back to you” Henry promised. “I don’t know how long it will take.”

Still worried about Larry, I quickly returned downstairs to find him awake now and talking to the boys. When I tried to discuss his health and medications he clammed up, not wanting to discuss it. I could tell he was embarrassed by it. I decided I would work at getting my information some other way than discussing it now, maybe he would talk to me later, maybe Henry would get me some information. I would need everything I could find out to get him to a Doctor, that is if he would go…or…

The next day, Larry was behaving like nothing ever happened and he certainly didn’t want to discuss it no matter how I asked! I couldn’t help him if he wouldn’t let me. He was the only source of information I had right now, and he was not talking!

It wasn’t long before I had all the boys from the two other houses were coming to my house on the weekends. They wanted to visit and socialize with my boys. I thought that it was wonderful to see such comradery between them all. They played games, watched tv and of course ate my fresh baked cookies and drank the Kool-Aid. I treated all the boys the same, whether they were mine or not. If I took my boys fishing or swimming, I took the other boys too. They were all just kids to me, not young criminals.

A few days later, I was walking across the grounds when I saw 3 adults, 2 female and 1 male, walking towards me. They were on the same narrow path heading in my direction. Since there was three of them and one of me, I decided to step off the path out of the way, appearing at that point, to be changing direction, due to the shape of the path. They all picked up the pace, hollering at me not to leave.

With a shocked look on my face, I turned around. I had been here nearly two months now, the only other adults on the grounds I had ever seen were Henry the Administrator, the two other house parents and my husband. I had no idea who they were! Excitedly, they announced, “Linda! Linda! Wait! We’ve been wanting to meet you!”

Each one introduced themselves to me. One of the women was the Social Worker, one was a Teacher and the man was the on-site Probation Officer. Each one took turns welcoming me and telling good things they had heard about my house…the one story that I will always remember was the one from the Teacher!

“You know Linda. The boys…. when they come to school, they put their feet on the desks, throw paper wads at each other, see who can fart the loudest, longest, or smelliest! It doesn’t matter.... anything to show off!” Shaking her head.

I listened carefully to her dissertation… wondering …… who I was going to have to kill!!

Letting farts?!? Could that be Juan? Every time that boy farted the other boys would scream “Ewe!!” I wanted to make sure he got something of his culture, so I bought him hot peppers at the store, he loved them! He was eating so many peppers I had decided to cann some hot peppers especially for Juan. It was obvious to all an “odor-us” mistake!!

Throwing paper wads?? That had to be Gary!! It wasn’t that long ago that we had to take him to the Hospital due to throwing things! He and Juan were playing a game of Darts…the problem was… there were no Darts! They were throwing straight pins! One of the pins took a wrong turn, landing in Greg’s eye, scratching his Retina. Oh my, will they never learn?

Putting their feet on the furniture? Larry? Nah!! He is too clean for that. He wouldn’t want to mess it up!

Now… Tom, well…. that’s a different story!! I wouldn’t put it past him tobe doing all THREE!! And THEN SOME!! I watched this woman seriously…... waiting for the axe to fall…to see………. when the story that she told next…. nearly stopped my heart!

“Now your boys, Linda”, she continued, “When your four boys… come to school. They take their seats, sit quietly waiting for class to begin. It’s wonderful! Thank you!”

Relieved I was not committing murder tonight, I thanked her, adding, “By the way? Tell the other boys…...’ Linda says if she hears you aren’t behaving in class, she won’t take you fishing this weekend!’ See if that helps OK?”

Smiling broadly, the teacher and the others waved their good-byes, gone as quickly as they came. I wandered back home…. Half in shock… and…. half elated with joy! Wow! That was great news! I made more progress than I had even imagined!

Again, I had learned so much from my foster parents and foster family. I automatically used it dealing with these troubled children. I had learned, you can be tough, brave, courageous, and firm no matter what size you are, when you need to. At the same time, never forgetting to also be loving and kind and forgiving as well. Taking the time to talk to your children, listening to them, being sure they leave with something they can live with.