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Shades of Green

by Nicole Cafarelli 2 months ago in breakups

Laurel Rd

She was the first one to make me feel that unsettling and bone chilling way I did when she held me. When she wrapped me in her twisted arms and kissed me with her lying lips on my forehead. This strange feeling of longing for acceptance, even when I was right there intertwined with her broken body. Always wondering where we stood, always wondering what she thought in that demon infested mind of hers. And she was the first person I have ever been in love with who didn't love me back.

She was my breath of fresh wildfire smoke, but I kept inhaling even when I felt it burning my lungs. She was every lyric to every sad song, but I kept forcing myself to listen. She was the dive head-first into a shallow pool, and I knew it was a dumb thing to fall in love with someone when I knew she didn't even love herself.

The mornings she couldn't get out of bed but she rolled over and pulled me closer to her, her eyes were this gray shade of green, tired and sad and miserable. The nights she cried and I told her that everything was going to be okay, when her eyes glazed over into the brightest green I've ever seen.

But underneath that sadness and self loathing, she was still so beautiful to me. She had the loudest laugh I've ever heard of anyone. Every Friday night she kept me up until 12 a.m. with her uncontrollable laughter at absolutely nothing, and without even realizing, it became my favorite sound. She made me tea and after I told her I didn't want anything in it, she looked at me with those big green kaleidoscope eyes and said I was crazy, that you have to put sugar and honey in your tea or you're some kind of sub-humanoid. She built a fort out of blankets and chairs in the living room and I heard her voice call to me with excitement "Come here!" and we laid there on the floor laughing and watching law and order until we fell asleep. One night it was storming and pouring rain and she ran outside just to play in the puddles and I stood there staring at her, watching her as her smile outshone the moon and her eyes were a million shades of green, and that was the moment when my heart shattered and the broken pieces poked me inside of my chest. Every night I spent counting the freckles on her face and tracing the lines in her palms didn't compare to that one second when I was watching her, freezing cold in the rain under her doorstep, while she was running around in the rain. That's the second I knew.

This girl is going to break my fucking heart and I'm going to let her.

"Look. I like you, but I'm not gonna let myself love." Those were her exact words. And for some strange reason when she spoke them to me I didn't feel as empty as I expected, because there was already a certain hesitation in the way she kissed me. There was a hint of desperation in her voice when she told me to "come here" but there was that lack of warmth in the touch of her fingertips. I was in love with an ice cold parasite and I was okay with it. Those moments when she was warm and smiling and bright, it wasn't because of me. That was her underneath the external pain. That was her without me. I didn't make her happy. I couldn't make her happy, no matter how hard I tried.

Every day I had to wonder what she was thinking and I had to prepare myself in case she decided to leave me. I trained myself to say the right things, to be the girl she wanted me to be. I drained myself to fill her with everything I wanted her to feel, happiness, emotions, feelings. But she felt nothing. And I never did understand how she could hold my entire heart in her hands and not feel a thing back.

She was always looking for someone to give her heart to, but she always said she didn't want to feel. I could see in those wild jade eyes that she wanted so badly to be loved, to be cherished and to be held and never let go.

But not by me.

The night she left me for good, I saw it coming. I had prepared for it all this time, falling deeper and deeper in love with her and showering her with unwanted affection. Every time I tried to help her heart grow bigger, I felt mine shrink, and over time her emerald eyes became a dark shade of bottle green.

I wanted to make her happy, but I knew I couldn't. She had to do it herself. So I let her go, and now every night I stare at the stars in the sky and think of that night when she ran through the rain, not worried about anything or anyone, not even me. Not even aware of me standing there watching her from 20 feet away.

I fell in love with a girl who couldn't love me back, because she couldn't love herself. I had to let her go, but no matter what happens I want her to find happiness. When I miss her I think of that night in the rain because it gives me hope that one day she'll be able to be that girl. Without me, she'll be carefree, beautiful and deserving of all the love in the world.

In the end, we met at the wrong time, and our souls met in a different universe. But I'm not going to forget her, not as long as I live. I have memorized every single shade of green in her eyes. And every time I remember it all, I'm home.


Nicole Cafarelli

I know it's difficult loving me

This big broken heart of mine

Please excuse my personality

'Cause it's on the borderline

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