Questions About Myself I Don't Want Answered
So here's the thing, I am currently going through my first ever really big deal of a break up. First love is really hard to get over, especially when you're trying to stay friends while simultaneously going through a large life transition outside of the break up. I recently finished college, and I'm living back home in my super tiny town with one friend who can barely socialize as it is. I'm applying to every post-undergraduate opportunity I can find, I applied for a job that I still haven't heard back about, and my depression and anxiety is at an all time high.
On my quest for inner peace, and after an excruciating amount of overthinking and analyzing my actions that make me question who I am and how I am perceived by those I care about. There are a few questions I have asked myself on this quest that I now realize I really do not want the answers to, and I hope I am not the only one.
Here are those questions and my reasons for not wanting them answered...
1. Am I a crazy ex-girlfriend?
I have this habit of over analyzing every possible outcome and layer of a situation. It's a part of my anxiety that I really don't appreciate. This habit is so all consuming, I can't focus on one thought or possibility at a time. So, what I end up doing is word vomiting every single issue and emotional response I have to a situation to the point where I am unable to be helped out of the spiral. In the case of this break up, I read back my messages and conversations we've had about the situation and I noticed that I am just constantly On. I never rest and I can't seem to stop once I am on a roll, laying out every single small thought and opinion and feeling that I discovered in the spiral. Am I being a reasonable person who just needs to talk through the situation? OR am I a needy, overly dramatic complainer who can't just let something happen to her and drags those around her down the spiral with her while driving people away with her exhausting or annoying text monologues? Anxiety has made this a lot worse in that respect. I don't want to think or be told finally that I am just an exhausting ex-girlfriend who could not leave things alone and deal with her problems by herself because she's too weak to let go.
2. Is my lack of self esteem actually narcissism?
I work really hard for all of my friends. While in university I let my grades fall for eh sake of working on projects and making life easier for my friends. My apartment, my stuff, my energy and time, my emotional stability was all given and at the disposal of my friends. Now that I am not there I feel almost entirely forgotten to the point of my primary thought is now "Why did I work so hard if I wasn't even needed?" I have a strange need to feel necessary or needed. If I'm not working for and in charge of something for my group, I am basically worthless. Now, in my isolation from everything I worked on for four years, I see the friends and group I gave my life to... functioning and seeming better off, happier even without me there. Even when I was there I often felt excluded from those "cliques" that received constant praise for their simply existing while I was ignored or used for the things she just kept offering. I can't tell if my reaction is narcissistic or warranted. Wanting praise and adoration for the hard work, services, and emotional and physical energy I gave to these people, and being jealous of those I feel did not earn the praise they are constantly getting... is all of this a sign of me being a narcissistic megalomaniac? Or did I work too hard and gave too much of my self worth and love to people that did not care and now that I am gone are quick and relieved to forget me?
3. Am I remembering everything wrong?
My biggest worry is that I am misleading myself and in reality I was a horrible friend and person and deserved the exclusion and lack of care that I felt. What am I forgetting that I did? Was I too anhedonic and sarcastic to seem like I really cared? I always wanted to be the person someone could talk to and feel connected to no matter what. For one year of my life, I stayed home alone taking care of my father while he was going through cancer, and I sustained a lot of trauma from that. I now am in a permanent state of wanting to be the emotional shoulder for others. Often I ignore and hold in my own emotional issues to care for others, with the exception of with my ex-boyfriend. He was one of the first people to give me permission to cry and told me that my emotions were normal... that was until he found them exhausting. Was I actually just exhausting for everyone around me? Are peoples lives really easier without me physically being there to bother them with my presence and need for affection and friendship? I made a point of not making friends in high school, eating alone until the last half of my final year. Was I always just... a nuisance?
4. Am I justified in ignoring social media?
I finally gave up most of my social media. Seeing my friends and my ex be so joyous and happier without me... seeing those I was so jealous of and felt excluded me still receiving never ending religious praise... it was killing me. Every party, every gathering, every pun or amusing post based off of inside jokes, seeing people that were close to me being consumed by cliques I felt excluded by... it was all too overwhelming for me to bear. I was being barraged with videos and images and tags of people I would have called my close friends being closer together to each other without me than it appeared they were with me there. Am I just being overly sensitive and not understanding my place as the one who left? Is it wrong of me to want to feel still a part of the world and family I worked so hard to build now that I am gone? People always say that when you are feeling depressed, you need to remove the negative and things that hurt you... but what if completely taking myself out of the equation is only making my point worse by helping my second family forget me?
If I am being honest, I could probably go on for forty more paragraphs... but someone else has to have felt this kind of stuff, too. Right?