Self-Destructive Tendencies

Isabel was one of those people who always seemed to do the wrong thing despite knowing full-well what was best for her. She had decided long ago, that alcohol was not her drug of choice. It left her feeling nauseous, sick, and regretful of the temperament she tended to display. Despite this, she found it hard to resist, as it was the preferred method of socialization, and often found herself backtracking on her decision to refrain from its consumption. It seemed the only way to function in society and the age-old adage “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,” played over in her mind once again. She was getting better, she told herself. Drinking less and less. Maybe one day she would be able to go cold turkey, but today she was in the mood to make bad decisions.

She quietly sipped the Merlot she knew she shouldn’t be drinking and looked at the clock. It read half-past 5. Isabel had been waiting at the bar for nearly an hour for her date to arrive.

Dating was another thing she wasn’t supposed to be doing.

Isabel believed firmly in the laws of attraction. She knew that the energy she put out there would be mirrored back in some unexpected way, and things were not going very well for her at the moment. As a dating prospect, her current resume was worse than banal. She wasn’t in therapy (like she was supposed to be), didn’t have a job, and all of her life plans and business ideas overwhelmed her to the point of inaction. Any relationship pursued in this state was bound to end up in flames, but Isabel was in a self-destructive mood. Thank god her merlot was delicious, cheap, and in clear abundance. It would be carrying her through the choices she made that night.

A couple of minutes passed and the self-doubt started to consume her as she imagined the inevitable downfall of any romantic relationship pursued in this state. Maybe she really was making a mistake. This particular date was already going less than splendid, considering there was no date in sight. Isabel checked her phone for a message of apology, excuse, or even a simple “I’ll be there in 5 minutes” but found nothing. Disappointment pulled at the skin around her eyes creating a look of deep sadness. Setting this up had been a big deal for her and it hurt to know that she attracted people who valued her so little, even if that had been what she was expecting.

As Isabel surveyed the room for someone to help her settle the check, her eyes spied the entrance opening to reveal the man she thought had stood her up. She watched as he walked towards the host to inquire about her location. Following the host's gaze, the man’s eyes caught Isabel’s steady stare. A smile of recognition lit his face and he gave a small wave in greeting. Isabel smirked back and waited for him to cross the room, leaving the host at their perch in the front.

“It’s nice to finally meet you in person,” he greeted, as he took his seat across from her.

She looked at him cautiously and smiled. He was better looking than his pictures had suggested and his voice was much softer and sweeter than she had imagined.

“It’s nice to meet you too,” she greeted in response. “I thought you’d forgotten about tonight and was about to leave.”

“I misjudged how long it would take me to get here. Sorry, have you been waiting long?” He asked.

“Oh no, I’ve been fine,” she lied. “Just wondering what you’ve been up to.”

“I was just at work. Nothing much besides that. How about you?” He picked up the menu to scan it as he asked.

Isabel had prepared for this question, although she wasn’t excited to answer it. The crushing depression she’d been undergoing meant that most days she didn’t do much. She had been unemployed for a shocking amount of time and knew anyone who was looking for some sort of future would probably pass over her in an instant. Good thing she wasn’t looking to fall in love again.

“I’ve been applying for jobs. Trying to get my life together.” She responded.

“Oh yah. How’s that going?” He asked nonchalantly.

“It’s going…” She responded back. Trying to keep the subject to a minimum.

He put down the menu and smiled. “Ha, well, sounds about right. You never really know how it’s going to go, do yah? What kind of positions are you looking for?”

“Just boring retail stuff to keep me cashed-up until I figure out what direction I want to go. I recently moved back home and have been having trouble deciding what my next moves are.” She picked up the menu to try and indicate that she no longer wished to discuss the subject further.

“Sounds like you’re still figuring things out. That’s normal. It took me years to figure out what I wanted to do. I finally settled on being a pharmacist after 6 years in college trying different things,” he said sheepishly.

“Wow,” she said genuinely surprised. “That is a super long time. How did you afford that?”

“Oh, well it was off and on and I did a lot of part-time, so it wasn’t too bad, but I do have quite a lot of student debt,” he seemed to swallow the reality of his words as he said them.

It felt good to know that she wasn’t the only one with problems. “Yeah, well, we all have a lot of student debt so no worries there.”

“True,” he agreed. “So what do you like to do for fun?”

“Hmmm,” Isabel thought for a moment. “Well, I’m very fond of games. Do you want to play one?”

“Haha okay,” he laughed, mildly surprised. “Did you bring something?”

“No,” she said matter of factly. “We have everything we need because I was thinking we could play a drinking game.”

A look of understanding played across his face. “Uh, that sounds kind of dangerous on a first date.”

“What’s your point?” She smirked. Daring him with a look.

“Uh okay.” He seemed a bit dubious and the flush on his cheeks suggested he might be a bit overwhelmed. “What did you have in mind?”

“Truth or dare and if you don’t want to do something, or can’t think of something, you have to take a drink instead."

He shook his head but smiled. “This is such a bad idea.”

“I’m full of bad ideas.” She smirked. “So are you gonna play with me?” Discreetly playing up the double meaning of her question.

“Of course I’ll play with you.” He smiled. “You go first. Truth or dare?”