SECRETS

HAVE YOU EVER MISSED THE FEELING OF FEELING?

I HAVE BEEN SITTING IN THE SAME SPOT FOR HOURS AS MY SISTER JESSICA WATCHED ME READ THIS SAME POEM OVER AND OVER, AS I SAT ON THE BENCH IN FRONT OF HER BEDROOM WINDOW.

“I SHOULD HAVE LOVED YOU THE WAY YOU LOVED ME; WITH THE SAME DISTANCE AND BROKENNESS YOU FED ME. I SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOU FOR WHO YOU WERE, THE DUST BENEATH THE PERFECTION I SO DESIRED. I SHOULD HAVE LOVED YOU THE WAY YOU LOVED WITH ME; I SHOULDN'T HAVE KISSED YOU BACK WHEN YOU KISSED ME. MAYBE THEN I WOULD BE OKAY AND IT WOULDN'T FEEL SO COLD. TEARS FELL FROM MY EYES AS I WATCHED THE RED BIRD LAND ON THE TREE BRANCH SINGING HER SONG WITH ALL OF HER BEAUTY. I WISHED FOR THE LOVE THAT CAME WITH THE SMILE. I WANTED THE LOVE THAT MATCHED THE PASSION. I WANTED TO STAND UNDERNEATH THE STARS WITH HIM AGAIN, LIKE WE DID THAT ONE NIGHT. I WANTED TO SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET AND LISTEN TO YOUR VOICE AS THE COOL BREEZE HAD BLOWN. I WANTED THAT PERFECTION I FELT WHEN OUR EYES LOCKED FOR THE FIRST TIME. I WANTED YOU. NOT THE YOU, YOU GAVE ME BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T HANDLE THE PRESSURES OF THE WORLD. I WANTED THE YOU, YOU GAVE ME WHEN NO ONE WAS AROUND. THE YOU, YOU PRESENTED WHEN THE WORLD HAD SILENCED IT SELF AND IT WAS JUST US. I WANTED THE PERFECTION YOU PRESENTED TO ME. BUT I SHOULD HAVE LOVED YOU THE WAY YOU LOVED ME; MAYBE HAD I LOVED YOU WITH THAT SAME WOODEN SPOON, I WOULD UNDERSTAND HOW IT WAS SO EASY FOR YOU TO WALK AWAY.”

JESSICA IS MY OLDER SISTER WHO RAISED US, BY US I MEAN ME, EMILY, SOPHIA, AFTER OUR OTHER SISTER EMMA AND BROTHERS MASE, JACK AND COOPER MOVED AWAY.

OUR PARENTS WERE KILLED IN A MOB WAR ON MY FIFTH BIRTHDAY SO JESSICA WHO WAS NINETEEN AT THE TIME TOOK ON THE RESPONSIBILITY OF RAISING HER YOUNGER SISTERS.

SO ABOUT LAST NIGHT THE REASON I HAVE BEEN SITTING IN THIS WINDOW ALL MORNING,

MY HOME GIRL ALEX THREW A WELCOME HOME PARTY AT CLUB CHASE DOWNTOWN ON NORTH BLVD FOR TIM.

TIMOTHY LAW MY OLD LOVE ....

THE SAME MAN WHO COULD MAKE MY HEART DO FLIPS AND LET ME TELL YOU LAST NIGHT MY HEART NEARLY FLIPPED RIGHT OUT OF MY CHEST.

HE WALKED INTO THAT ROOM AND MY MOUTH GREW DRY, I DREW IN A LONG BREATH AND DEEP SIGH AFTER SEVEN YEARS HE STILL TAKES MY BREATH AWAY.

I HAD NOT GOTTEN THE COURAGE TO GO OVER AND SPEAK SO I ASKED THE BARTENDER FOR ANOTHER ROUND OF THE FROZEN STRAWBERRY CHEESECAKE MARGARITA HE HAD MADE ME EARLIER IN THE NIGHT. I KNEW THAT THE ALCOHOL WOULD EVENTUALLY GIVE ME THE COURAGE I NEEDED TO GO FACE MY PAST LOVE BUT UNTIL THEN HERE GOES ANOTHER ROUND AND A TOAST TO COURAGE TO GET THROUGH THE NIGHT.

JESSICA, FINALLY INTERUPTED MY THOUGHTS AND SAID SO ARE YA’LL BACK TOGETHER?

I LOOKED AT HER LIKE A DEER CAUGHT IN HEADLIGHTS, HOW DID SHE KNOW TIM AND I DATED?

WELL AFTER A FEW MONTHS OF TIM BEING BACK HOME; HE AND I GOT BACK TOGETHER AND EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT BUT AFTER A FEW MONTHS HE FINALLY TOLD ME WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE AIR FORCE AND I’M NOT GOING TO LIE; IT HURT ME SO BAD BECAUSE NOT ONLY HAS HE BEEN HERE FOR MONTHS AND KNEW HE HAD MESSED UP HIS LIFE AND COULD HAVE BEEN TOLD ME BUT I AM SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT WITH OUR LITTLE GIRL .

BUT IT’S TOO LATE NOW, RIGHT? ........