Secret Love

Just like a dream, you never really know when it began, only that you're in it. Sometimes you're so far into the dream that it seems all too real. I would like to say that everything started with the first kiss. Was it the flirtations, the laughs or the constant nightly phone calls, always in hushed whispers? Whenever it started, I knew too late that I was in too deep. No one was supposed to know, but the more we kept the secret, the more I wanted to shout out my feelings, my eternal deep desire. Here was one small problem: She was living with her boyfriend.

We met at school, at the gym. I was playing basketball, she was practicing her tennis strokes. She had long flowing brown hair, thigh high leggings demonstrating her beautifully defined body. "Who is she?," I asked my friend Phil. Her name is Natalya and she's in the other section. I said hello as she returned the gesture. I joked, she laughed. I continued to notice her in the lunchroom, the hallway and in the parking lot where she kept her bicycle. "She has a boyfriend" was all I kept hearing. You don't have a shot.

I did not care. My heartstrings tugged, strained, pulling me towards her.

I don't remember the first date. I don't remember the first kiss. I don't remember where or when were our first clandestine meetings, but they were there. We snuck to a hilltop next to school. We snuck in parks, my apartment, her apartment (when he was not there)...anywhere where we could explore, express both physically and emotionally. No one knew.

What started as a fling, a challenge or even a self induced dare, turned into a passionate yearning that ran deep. Whenever we were asked, we both denied everything. We are just friends. We enjoy each other's company. She's funny and we like to laugh.

I remember our unforgettable night-There was a fund raiser party sponsored by the school held at a now defunct dance hall called Venus de Milo. I picked her up at her apartment. She was wearing a tight black dress, one could say that was painted on her. Her hair was long and flowing down to her waist. Her clear light brown eyes gleaned with shining eagerness. We arrived at the hall looking at the crowd. Many faces were familiar, many were not. I bought her a beer as we toasted and continued to look at each other, almost into each other. Then that song played-it was a song by Enigma. The song started off with what sounded like monks chanting something, a prayer or something like a prayer. We started to dance. We danced in rhythm to the beat. Boom de boom boom, boom boom...boom de boom boom, boom boom...That was all I kept hearing and all I kept experiencing. I held her close as if she were mine and only mine. Knowing that our lies would be exposed, we kissed. The kiss was not a peck but a soulful lingering encounter that expressed a desire, a longing that was quenched by the her breaths. I remember the heat of her gasps on my neck as we continued to dance. The dance floor was crowded, but we were the only ones there.

After that night everything became a blur. We finished school. We kept in touch. She married, I married. We kept that secret to this day. They asked about us during school, after school and many years thereafter. We stayed true to the secret. Little Mix lamented in their song Secret Love: "Why can't I say that I'm in love? I wanna shout it from the rooftops...".

This is my rooftop shout to Natalya.