Searching for myself through others

As individuals, we go through our life hoping for growth, hoping that we are able to push through setbacks that come along the way. I have encountered many setbacks, but in all honestly, these setbacks were not as powerful as the ones I have brought upon myself.

It feels easier, a lot easier blaming others for how I feel, simply because I can't face my own emotions, I can't face the truth. As humans I believe that we need love and happiness in our lives, and we often seek those things from the people that enter our lives. And while it's okay to seek happiness from others, it's important to remember that we are the source of our own happiness. You can’t expect someone to give you something you can't give yourself. It is not the responsibility of others to give you the needs that your body needs from you, your mind and soul depends on the love and care you give yourself.

The truth is, as I am saying all this, I am not implying in my life. So yes you can call me a hypocrite. I go around preaching self love, self growth, and how happiness comes from us, yet I know deep down I am not implying this in my life. I tell myself that I am, but in reality, I am so emerged into the idea of receiving these things from others. I depend on others for what I struggle to give myself, my perception of me is constantly changing based on how others treat me. When someone hurts me, it crushes me, it brings me to a point where I completely blank out and feel as if I can't breathe.

Why does that happen? Because my source of purpose comes through others, and this truth is the truth that has prevented me from any growth. Growing up I struggled to connect with myself, to figure out who I was, I was constantly following others. This got to a point where I genuinely had no clue who I was, what I was doing in life, or who I wanted to be. I just felt lost. This feeling of being lost spiraled into feelings of self hatred, and the self hatred provoked these emotions that I always pushed back down, I completely disregarded what my mind and soul was trying to tell me or make me feel. So when it came to feelings free, or feeling any form of happiness, I had none. It felt like every other emotion was blocked by these unknown emotions that still have not crossed this bridge in my mind.

So I turned to relying on others, some people would make me feel good, or treat me well, other days they wouldn’t. And it went on like that, the days I was treated good I felt good, the days I wasn't I hated myself. But these people came in waves, they came and left, and at the end of the night, it was just me sitting there staring at the mirror. It was me who was in my head, and who was looking back at the mirror. What am I doing? Why is my worth determined by others who weren't even there at the end of the day? So this is my truth. I was my own setback, and admitting this is what has reminded me that I am in control of changing this. I am my emotions, I am my thoughts, and I am my own happiness. You are your own happiness.