Saving a little kindness for yourself

According to the definition of kindness, it is 'the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.' So why is it as I look in the mirror and scrutinise the way I look, the way I got a little chubby and the way my skin looks dull, the way I look at myself in disgust, thinking 'you're not enough'. I'm overcome with vicious comments to myself and anger over how I let the way I look slip or the way I don't like who I am and I realise that kindness starts with me.

With other people, my kindness is unlimited, I offer smiles, kind words and will always buy lunch for others on the street. I even give out money, hand out blankets to the homeless and try my best to give back where possible, I even have a free business where I help others heal. So what changes with how I treat myself. Am I not worthy of my own generosity, am I not considerate to myself, when did I become like this?

It's often easier to treat others with kindness and love, but when it comes to myself, I beat myself up. Why is this? Others say I glow, others say I have a good heart, others say that I'm great to be around, but whilst I know they're offering kind words, I don't hear them through my own expectations of me, why am I not enough for me?

Growing up, I was punished often for no reason, it didn't matter if I did nothing wrong, if my mum was in a mood, breathing was enough to have her hitting out. I grew up treading on eggshells, always being made to feel I was doing something wrong just by being alive. I had no understanding of doing something good and feeling good about it, because if I did something good then, it was hardly ever acknowledged and sometimes still resulted in punishment. Growing up, it was difficult to be kind to myself, I grew up with the mentality that I wasn't good enough, that no one could love me if my own parents couldn't, it didn't stop me helping offers and being compassionate and kind, if anything, it helped in a strange way as it taught me that I wouldn't want to hurt someone the way I was hurt, it allowed me to be sympathetic to others and help them. But it didn't teach me how to be kind to me.

People compliment me and I'm not flattered, I barely even acknowledge what they're saying, I ignore it and offer a sheepish smile and say thank you, before changing the subject. It made me realise that I have to be more kind to me.

My first plan for kindness is to look in the mirror and not criticise the way I look, not just focus on all the little bits I'd like to change, but look at the stuff I like. I'll look at my eyes and notice how blue they are, and look at my hands and be grateful for what they do for me each day. I'll thank my feet and legs for helping me get around, I'll thank each part of me bit by bit for what it's done for me since the day I was born to now.

I think the hardest thing with kindness is when you start being kind to yourself, I find it so easy to help others and be good to them, but it's time I try a little bit of this.

I will be kinder to myself by setting boundaries, when I'm too tired to help others or close to burnout, I'll say no and tell them I need some time for myself to recharge and recover. I will be kinder to myself by doing more of what I enjoy instead of ignoring the things I like so that I can help others or do what they enjoy.

I'll be kinder to myself by reminding myself there are no such things as mistakes, only lessons.

Eventually, when I look in the mirror I feel grateful, not just for the way I look and my body and what it does for me each day. I will extend my generosity to myself and be considerate of how I feel instead of criticising it, I will adopt a mantra to say I'm worthy of my own kindness and treat myself better because the hardest type of kindness is to be kind to yourself.