safe and secure

As a child, I would dream about a door in my closet that would lead me to a secret garden where I was safe to exist, to be myself, to feel love, express, and feel my emotions. I would immerse myself in stories of children finding these magical places where they could run, and not simply hide, but escape. Hoping that one day I'd be able to have that same luck, that luck is called growing up.

The other day someone came up to me and began to talk about this girl they were seeing, how they were in a very controlled environment, this girl could only go see her boyfriend and her family. Before he began to explain further he turns to look at me, goes: "you know how Hispanic catholic parents are. I don't need to explain. " at first I was angry because everyone expects you to understand this abuse, but don't see the problem within it and the normalization behind it. I wanted to tell him that girl wasn't looking for a different relationship with him, she was looking for safety from her environment, a way out.

It hit me then, that I too, had all my life been looking for safety, yet never allowed myself to go with it or accept it because I was more focused on escaping and when I couldn't escape I focused on surviving. After I had moved out and spent so long out of the house, I was busy mentally trying to survive them to keep some bond alive that I never put two and two together. I slowly started realizing that all of the friendships that I pushed away, all the people I closed off, was due to the fact that they were what in my eyes got me in 'trouble'. When my parents didn't like someone they made it evident, with or without reason; I remember the snarl that would cross my mothers' lips every time I asked if I could go play with a name she hated, the way her eyes seemed to be holding back a slap and a "no, how dare you ask knowing how I feel about them."; yet each time it was just a yes and an insult to take to my friend.

I began to treat my friends and partners like a secret. I would rush through all these loopholes and half-assed lies and stories, just trying to keep people secret, trying to gain a sense of privacy for myself. I have never allowed myself to have that space of security by my own definition, to allow myself to feel safe within myself. Each relationship I formed was out of trying to find a sense of security, constantly trying to find 'better' when I wasn't sure what the end goal was for myself in the first place. I just knew I wanted to escape.

I never allowed people to get close to me, to begin with. At the first sign of something that reminded me of what used to happen or something I thought would get me in trouble, I immediately cut those people off. I began to get stand-offish with people when things weren't just smooth sailing. In my mind, I had been raised that my parents were 'allowed' to harm and manipulate me in the ways they did, but these 'strangers' had no right. My inner protection came from a sense of anger.

Instead of conflict resolution, I learned how to avoid or fight. Instead of developing real connections, I started forming relationships that were solely based on what I wanted to see and what I defined as respect and love all around. What I wanted to give to myself I projected on to others, I was trying to force people into giving me a love that I needed to give myself instead of accepting the love that they were trying to give.

I've had a lot of failed relationships in my life and failed attempts at trying to be in a relationship. I have found it very hard to connect with people, to allow people to actually enter inside the walls and see who I am. These people that I felt provided me safety, love, acceptance, I quickly found ways to take them out of my life once it created a sense of unease in my life; I treated friends like toys and once there was a loose stitch or problem within the relationship I threw it out. In the long run, it created more peace to be in isolation than in company, it was easier to replace than repair.

I am barely learning how to break those walls down; learning to see the difference between a boundary and a wall. I have come to terms with what my childhood has been, but I have not allowed myself the time to actually feel and acknowledge the damage done in order to fix it the way I need to within myself. I do not allow myself the space to feel my emotions let alone speak them. It feels geeky to say but, the only comparison I can think of is that my feelings are like Thor's hammer and I'm the only one who's going to be able to pick them up and handle them properly. I have learned the biggest thing I need, I never learned how to receive nor give properly. I have never learned to develop a love language nor a proper way of communicating within myself and my emotions let alone with others. I only listen to love when I'm happy and that's not listening.

I only bond when I feel that person will provide me a sense of safety or an escape from something I no longer need to run from. I've been on the run for so long I haven't stopped to think about the fact that I no longer have to run on survival mode. I can enjoy the people I surround myself with, I can stop taking life so seriously. I can relax and just feel the moment, my adult life is that magical door I had been looking for. I am safe and secure at this moment with myself. I am my own security and when I find that security within myself everything will flow easier.