Sadness

Not feeling too happy about what happened at work today because my co-workers insisted on doing one thing whereas I think it should be done the other way. They even said that there will be repercussions if I don't stop doing that. The managers never said about there will be any repercussions, so I don't understand why they say there will be. When people were doing things wrong, the managers would let us know SEVERAL times about what needs to be corrected. But, since they have never mentioned much about not able to transfer to the other line, I thought it's fine because they didn't mention much about it. But then, why would the other co-workers think I would get repercussions if I don't stop doing that? I mean, I've already heard countless of times about we can't do certain things and it has always been about that same thing. They never mentioned about not able to do other things much at all. So, it just came as a surprise to me that we can't do something all of a sudden.

Anyways...

This manager said that from the beginning, they were told by the client that they can't do that... If so, why didn't they make it clear because I've seen him give different answers to people. If they were told in the beginning they can't do that, then why would he still give different answers to people? That doesn't make sense to me either. But he did answer my question that their client told them not to do that from the beginning...

Anyways... I'm just feeling kind of annoyed. Just annoyed with everything. I was feeling just fine in the beginning before this job started.. then this supervisor just ruined everything for me and made me more depressed again. And I can feel this bad depression that I can't lift, so I went to see my doctor again. He told me that my pulse is weak again at 79% and has gotten worse than before and my blood pressure was high again.

It's just sad as it seems like I just can't get out of my illness and depression. Whenever I feel a bit well, something hit me again with depression. I just think it's not fair at all. I was not born to be a depressed person at all.

But, I suppose there are many things in life that are not really within your control. Honestly, I don't understand why I was feeling so sad the other day from this new job. It was just my 3rd day and I was feeling so sad that my tears just won't stop. I think I was feeling sad over all that I've been thru and how hard things have been for me I guess. But I still feel very surprised that I have such strong feelings and emotions over things because I think I haven't had tears like that for a long long time like decades even. hmm.. so it's just kind of weird that it happened.. It's like my emotions have been asleep for decades and all of a sudden they awoke out of nowhere and without me being aware of it to keep myself from getting hurt. And those tears were none-stop too.. Geez.. I don't even know myself that I have such sad emotions with me. I think when you are depressed, your feelings and emotions are suppressed, so you can't feel anything.

Anyways... I do feel very depressed now.. I don't know how I can go through life without getting hurt and depressed again..

Honestly, I think those who are more sensitive can get hurt easier than those who aren't.