Sadly Sitting in Darkness

I know it sounds like a horrible way to kick off December, letting raw emotions wash over me. It is usually just how I end November, with the anniversary of Dad’s death on November 30th, I always take the time to just let myself miss him and let the grief and sadness and memories wash over me. For me, it honors him and everything he meant to me.

Usually, I wake on December 1st and am more than ready to dive in to all things Christmas. This year has been different. The overwhelming sadness leeched into an entire month. It isn’t necessarily a horrible thing though.

It’s vital, when heavy things happen, to allow yourself the feelings that go along with them. Give those overwhelming feelings permission to just wash over you and through you. They need to be allowed their natural flow, it’s the one and only way that they will make their exit.

If you deny them or try to force yourself to be strong and feel something else, those true and authentic feelings will just become trapped. They will bubble and boil and fight to find their release. They may even devour you from the inside out, leaving you a shell of who you once were.

So when a loved one called me on December 1st, needing to once again be rescued from a situation that could have been avoided, we had to have a difficult conversation. Even though he’s well into his 40s, he can’t take care of himself, but I can’t possibly keep bailing him out of trouble. I needed him to give me some control.

It was hard for me to look at someone I love and know that, even though they SHOULD be able to look after their own affairs, they can’t. It was even harder to say that, even though it shouldn’t be my job to look after you, there’s no one else that will. It’s made even harder when you know that, had he just made some different choices, his life would be SO different and he wouldn’t be sitting on the verge of homelessness for the third time in a year.

My heart broke for him as I watched him sign the Power of Attorney papers, an admission of his incompetence. His hopes and dreams and perceptions of the man he wanted so much to be, dashed with the simple stroke of a pen.

Knowing that I am now locked into looking after him, there are moments of frustration. We have a big family, this shouldn’t be MY cross to bear. No one else is going to step up, they are done with helping him. Love shouldn’t die when mental illness creeps in, but most people don’t get that. So the two of us stood there alone in front of the notary.

Love bears all things. Because I love him, I will carry this load.

Then there was a phone call on December 4th. My ex-husband passed away on the 2nd. Those were overwhelming feelings too. We’ve been apart for almost eighteen years. The love didn’t ever completely die. I’d even told him that when I left. It wasn’t that I didn’t love him. He was dangerous sometimes and I couldn’t risk my life and the lives of my children.

He had threatened to kill me. Again, that was mental illness rearing its ugly head. He spent six of those last eighteen years in prison for killing two people, so obviously, I had made the right decision.

There’s a sadness that he never let his light shine. That he couldn’t grasp onto all that was good within him and know all the wonderful things that could blossom, is a travesty. At least, I can stop looking over my shoulder or waiting for the phone to ring. His reign of terror has ended.

I’ve sat through the dark nights of this first week of December and allowed all that grief, frustration, sadness, and heartache to wash over me and through me. I’ve given my brain, my heart, and my body time to feel it and process it.

Thankfully, I have faith in a Higher Power. I've been able to sit and pray. In those quiet moments of prayer I felt love wash over me. I came to a new understanding of my place in this world.

Had I not had those people and many others like them in my life I would never have taken the time to understand their struggles with Mental Illness.

My Higher Power has and is using me as a vessel to carry love and compassion to some of those people for whom the rest of the world has given up.

I'm here to show people the importance of taking a moment to pause when we encounter someone whose ideas or behaviors seem erratic and don't make sense. Trauma, mental illness, or addiction can change people and it's not their fault. Taking a moment to step back and recognize that we can't possibly know all the demons people are facing is incredibly important.

A little bit of compassion can go so much farther than you might think. You can still set boundaries. There's no need to throw your doors wide open and let these people walk all over you. There are kind ways to let people know that you have limits and if everybody did it with kindness our world would be a much different place.

I know that I am still going to have moments in life when I have to just sit in the darkness and let grief and sadness wash over me and through me. Dealing with mental illness, loss, and trauma is hard, but I don't have to let those hard feelings consume me.

This piece was originally published on Medium. It has been edited to conform to Vocal standards.

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