Remember When...

Remember when we first met? In high school; in the cafeteria. We were sophomores, but it was my first year at a new school--your school. I remember feeling so scared and anxious. It was already hard enough for me to make new friends. I never thought I'd meet someone who cares about me; someone who understands and listens to me; someone who fully accepts me for who I am. My best friend.

Remember what you wore the day we first met? You were wearing your JROTC uniform. I remember you telling me that you took JROTC instead of taking P.E. and I laughed. The uniform never suited you. It still doesn't suit you. You had your own style. You weren't the most fashionable person, but you knew how to dress yourself. I remember you better with a Pre-Calculus book in your hand everyday. I guess you could say I looked the same except it wasn't a math book I was holding--it was an AP Language and Composition book. We didn't have any classes together except for one during our three years of high school together, but we had the same classes with the same teachers. Every time we talked, it was always about academics, but that was okay because that was how we bonded. But we didn't get close just yet. After all, you had a best friend at the time, and so did I.

Remember our first birthday together? It was spent with our closest friends at the mall. Our birthdays are eight days apart and we were turning 16. Our friends gifted us with birthday cards, wishes, and plenty of food. We spent the whole day walking around and hanging out like the teenagers we were. We were given a huge egg tart instead of a birthday cake and our friends sung to us in the middle of the food court. I can't help but laugh whenever I think about it, but it's a memory I cherish till this day. It was the first time I spent my birthday with people who really cared about me and wanted to be around me. I felt special. And since then, we've spent our birthdays together every single year. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Remember when I had a crush on you? I doubt you had any idea at the time, but I remember telling you in your yearbook in senior year. It was a small crush that lasted for maybe a month and a half, but it was real nonetheless. At the beginning of junior year, I realized I had small feelings for you. You were smart; you were kind. We had similar interests and we could literally talk for hours without getting bored. But at the same time, a longtime friend of mine had asked me out. He and I were the same as well--we were very similar and I have had feelings for him in the past. I had to choose between saying yes to him or pursue my feelings towards you. And in the end, I chose him. I didn't think we would work out despite our similar personalities and taste in literally everything. But maybe I was just scared of ruining our friendship. Of course, I was scared of ruining my friendship with him too, but I guess I just valued ours just a little more. And I never thought, in a million years, that you would feel the same way.

Remember when we graduated high school? We were so happy to have finally closed that chapter in our lives and start a new one. I'm sure at some point beforehand we talked about which colleges we were going to. You had decided to stay in-state while I was thinking about going out of state. But in the end, I decided to stay in-state. It was for personal reasons (and lower tuition) but I'm glad I decided to stay. Because that meant we would stay together for another four more or so years. And unlike high school, we set our own schedules, which meant more time for us to spend time together and get closer. We struggled on our studies and played games on our free time. We talked as much as we could, but as the years rolled by, the less time we spent together. We became too busy within our own majors that we just didn't have time to see each other anymore. It was disheartening and unfortunate, but lucky for us, it didn't stop us from making time for each other.

Remember when you told me your deepest secret? I was so proud of you but also heartbroken at the same time. I can still remember the day you told me and the way I felt afterwards. It was our second semester as Freshman in college. I had recently broken up with my boyfriend at the time and was still in the process of healing. And you were there for me when I needed someone. I can't thank you enough for that. But because of your kindness and sincerity, I had begun to grow feelings for you once again. I hadn't mean to, but I had begun to think that I should've pursued my feelings for you from the start. But on this particular day, you, me, and a few of our close friends got together and began to open up to one another. You said you had something to confess, and I had prepared myself for anything. And then you said it. You came out to us. Out of all the things you could've said, coming out as gay wasn't what I thought you were going to say. My heart sank. Not because I was disappointed in you. But because I knew I would never get that chance with you. Because you would never see me that way. And because I was right--we would never work out, not in a million years. But even so, I kept a smile on for you because I was so proud of you. Coming out isn't the easiest thing to do, and the fact that you let me in on your secret reminded me that you trusted me. And I was so happy for you. You deserve to be loved and treated just like anybody else regardless who you love. And I hope you know that I love and accept you just the way you are.

Remember when I opened up to you for the first time? You were the first person I told my deepest, darkest secrets to. I had been through so many downs in my life and you were the first person I felt like I could trust. After all, you trusted me with your biggest secret. It was time for me to tell you mine. I had invited you to hang out like normal (we went to play badminton and drink boba tea at a cafe) but told you I had something important to tell you. I remember sitting you down and taking off my glasses because I was prepared to wipe any tears that would fall. I opened up to you about depression, trauma, and suicidal thoughts; things that I never thought I'd be able to tell anyone. You didn't say a word; you just listened. You gave me your full attention, and you never pushed me away. After I told you, you thanked me for opening up to; for trusting you. You were emphatic. You had no idea what I had been through and you apologized for not knowing anything. You talked me through it. You gave me the words I've always wanted to hear from someone, and you helped me get through a rough point in my life. And I can't thank you enough for it. After this day, we began to have frequent deep conversations like this a lot more. It helped us become closer than we ever were. I opened up to you about my struggles. And you opened up about your own. At this point, we had shared more with each other than our best friends from high school, which whom we've drifted apart from. You truly became my most trusted friend.

Remember our first trip together? I had never gone out of state with friends before--let alone out of the city. A small group of us planned to take a one day trip to Santa Monica. We were so excited for this trip that we couldn't sleep. When we got there, we spent time relaxing down at the beach and playing games up on the pier. By the end of the day, we were tired and exhausted. But we didn't regret a single second of it. And all we could think about was the next trip we were going to go on. During our college days, we'd spend a lot of time thinking about all the different things we all wanted to do together; the places we all wanted to go to together. It was hard to plan them because we were busy within our majors and college took up most of our time since we were so focused on graduating, but when we did end up going places, they were the most fun we've ever had. Our next big trip together was when we went hiking at Zion. It was an activity neither of us were experts in, but we were so excited to do it. And we would do it again in a heartbeat. We have so many things we want to do with each other that I almost believe there isn't enough time in the world to do them all.

Remember when you said you were leaving? You had gotten a job in New York that you previously interned at when you were getting you Master's degree. After we graduated college together and you went on to get your Master's, you announced that you were leaving for a job opportunity in New York. You were going to live in a small three-bedroom apartment with roommates whom you met while you were an intern for that one summer. I was so happy for you because you seemed so happy and excited to start the next chapter in your life. But I was also sad because it meant that I wouldn't be able to see you as easily anymore. We wouldn't be able to go play badminton anymore; drink boba and gossip with each other anymore; have our heart-to-heart conversations in person anymore. We'd be thousands of miles away from each other, and I knew it wouldn't be the same anymore. But nevertheless, I was so excited to see you thrive in your new career. I only want the best for you and wish for your success and happiness. You've already given me your time and friendship, and I couldn't thank you enough for everything you've done for me. The night before you left, we spent our birthdays together one last time with our friends at the pool at my apartment complex. I remember you leaving early that night because you had to catch your plane early in the morning. I walked you to your car and gave you a hug goodbye. You did your best to keep the tears in and I just let them fall. But I didn't cry too hard. Because your plan was to only stay there for two years and then come back home. And you were planning on coming back for holidays. So I knew you weren't going to be gone forever. We promised to FaceTime each other whenever we needed each other so it would seem as if you never left. And that was more than enough for me.

Remember when I told you I was becoming happier? I remember having post-grad depression after graduating from college. I was so worried about what I was going to do for the rest of my life. Other friends seemed to have an idea on what they wanted to do or they were already out doing what they love. I began to realize that I was stuck in a rut, and I didn't have you here with me to get through it. But eventually, I started to find my happiness again. You always said you wished for my happiness and that I deserved the world. And I took that to heart. I've gone through a lot of personal growth over the years and focused a lot on working on myself. I found a job that I was happy with and introduced me to some wonderful new people. I met someone who loves me for me and I wouldn't trade him for the world. I remember talking to you over FaceTime while you were in New York all of the different changes that were happening around me. And you looked at me with the most sincere and happiest eyes. You were so happy for me that it made me want to cry. What made me the happiest, however, was when you surprised me by coming home from New York on my birthday despite the COVID-19 pandemic happening (and I'm so glad you were tested negative when you came back). You're finally back home with your family and you're working from home where I know you're healthy and safe. Because honestly, I don't know what I'd do without you here.

I can't think of anything else to say. I can't thank you enough for what you've done for me. I can't believe our friendship has lasted for nine years already. Sometimes I think I don't deserve you, but then you remind me how much we need each other. And I can't imagine a world without us together.

Thank you, for everything, best friend.