Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'The Notebook (2004)

Anybody else get a rapey vibe off of Noah at the beginning of this movie? He just walks up to a complete stranger, who is with her boyfriend, and in a low and vaguely threatening tone is all like "I wanna dance with you." I swear you can hear fucking banjo after that. His next words should be, "I wanna hear you squeal like a piggy." The fact that this girl's friend gets misty over it says she ain't that much of a friend. More like the kind of friend who you'd ask to watch your drink, but would immediately hands it to the seediest guy at the bar.

I get that Noah is supposed to seem charming and dashing, and this represents a different time, but it was made in 2004. There is nothing charming or dashing about a guy getting in your face and demanding a dance right in front of your boyfriend.

THEN this douchebag immediately threatens to kill himself if this girl, Alice, doesn't go out with him. Ladies... fucking seriously. If some putz is hanging twenty feet in the air and asks for a date, tell that lil' Incel bitch to drop.

Jesus fucking Christ! The way this guy stalks and harasses Alice suggests the kind of person who is almost guaranteed to be physically and mentally abusive. Noah makes fun of Alice for wanting to get an education, then trashes on her dreams and accomplishments. The same time, forcing this act like this is all supposed to be cute, and she should want 'freedom' as apposed to an education and success. What freedom? Freedom from a better life? This movie should end 10 minutes later with this prick knocking Alice up, then knocking her friend up, then disappearing with the fucking circus. That's the reality of guys like Noah.

Anyone see the twilight zone episode where the 'rich young woman' runs away with the 'dashing bad guy' and later the 'old hag' who chases her turns out to be her from the future after the 'dashing bad guy' ruins her life? Yeah, this movie is that episode if it was written by a sexual predator who didn't think the original ending was 'fair.'

The narrator (who I'm sure is Noah 50 years in the future) basically says, all they do is fight an fuck. Does that sound healthy to anyone? That's the couple at the party that no one wants to talk to or even stand near. That shit might be fine for vapid MTV reality celebrities, but here on planet fucking Earth, it's called toxic behaviour.

This movie is a horror story. It is absolutely terrifying that anyone after 2000, would find this movie romantic. It's kinda disturbing that it even got made after the year 1989.

In short, fuck this movie.

SPOILERS!!!

The way they try to humanize Noah's 'country bumpkin' behavior is flat out fucking disturbing. They frequently go out of their way -and fail- to make him seem sweet and innocent. The fact that they try as hard as they do and somehow still manage to make him seem like a sexual predator should have been their cue to scrap the whole movie.

Like the sex scene: Alice, like any young woman losing her virginity, is a nervous mess, and Noah gets visibly annoyed. He's not at all tender about her concerns, but rather tries to push through it... you know... like a rapist. The only reason he doesn't force her is because her incessant nervous babbling winds up pissing him off till he can't preform. And this is the shot they went with. If that's not what they were trying to portray, the director is just as confused about human connections and emotions as this 'country bumpkin.'

Then Noah throws a temper-tantrum about not being rich enough for her parents. And that's somehow supposed to fucking impress the audience? Like somehow abandoning the woman you supposedly love, because your ego got hurt, is supposed to make us sympathize with you? And then she ends up with a guy that's actually good to her, treats her great, but ooooh fucking nooo!! He's got money and her parents approve. That makes him the antagonist! What fucking pre-teen wrote this melodramatic drivel?!

Then, this fucking psycho retains so much delusional ownership of Alice, that when he sees her with her husband, he goes fucking nuts! He restores the mansion where they almost fucked, gets blackout drunk for a week straight when he's done, thinks about burning it down, refuses to sell it for more than it's worth. Do you see where I'm going with this? This is the point, where the director should be fading in on his sex dungeon where he keeps kidnapped girls that even remotely look like Alice. This is the part where you'd expect this guys to start dressing like her and jerking off to his own reflection while he beats himself with barbed wires. NONE OF THIS IS FUCKING ROMANTIC!!!

And of course there's the big reveal when it turns out the lady and the narrator at the home are Alice and Noah, because DUH, and they introduce her kids that she can't remember because she has dementia, and it's all really sad. The idea that the first part of this movie would somehow lead to the second part of this movie, really disrespects how fucked up the first part of this movie is. Then there's the famous 'kissing in the rain' scene, because of course the writer would assume the rapist would end up with the girl. I mean, the writers seem to have the emotional maturity of whoever writes for Tailor Swift. And to be clear, Tailor Swift has never suggested anything rapey in her lyrics. So technically, less maturity than that...

I've seen the real 'Notebook' in life. I've seen what happens to women who fall into these kinds of traps with men like Noah. It is a cold and lonely place, rife with abuse, trauma, and in many cases, death. It's not cute, it certainly ain't fucking romantic, and it ain't no damn fairy tail.

Again... fuck this movie...