The word realization by definition means "an act of becoming fully aware of something as a fact." It is the perfect way to describe that word. Recently I have had the biggest realization of my life. I know it won't be the only one, but for now, it has put me into a rut. I am in a place that I know I shouldn't be. It is all my fault, if I am being honest. I let myself get to where I am at. I didn't listen to the ones looking out for me. That is what I get. I can't help who I am, nor should I apologize for who I am either. I am going to give you a little backstory on how this all happened. It may be a little long, but I hope you see where I am coming from. Hopefully, I'll find peace within myself. Instead of staying up until four AM because it's the only thing on my mind lately.
Recently in the past week, I graduated high school. My greatest accomplishment so far. After or before graduation, it is typical for the person graduating to have a graduation party. As a result of this, you try to attempt attending every party that you are invited too. That is exactly what I did. An exception for two, because of certain situations I wasn't able to make them. That I am very sad for but the person I was celebrating understood. So as I said, I attended everyone's that I possibly could. I went above and beyond out of my way to make sure I was there supporting my friends and their special nights. My graduation party was one of the last out of a million. Graduation season was coming to an end. I was the last one to celebrate. I had the day all planned out, you see. My mom and my grandmother were scrambling around all day just so that it would be perfect for me. Granted we were still decorating as my family was arriving. It still turned out just fine. I invited about one hundred people, this including family and friends. All of the family that I invited came. I was amazing! I felt so much love and support from them I was overwhelmed with happiness. That should have been enough, right? Within the one hundred people, about seventy-five percent were friends of mine. I was told by every single one of them days before they were coming. That quickly was the biggest lie any of them have ever told me. Only ten of them came. ONLY TEN. The ten that came weren't even my close friends. They were simply people I would stop along the way to talk to. They were not the ones I spent the majority of my senior year with. But they came and supported me. No matter how close we were they still showed up to share their love. For that, I am forever grateful for them. You know who you are. Thank you. From my whole heart, you guys kept me from drowning in sadness. Thank you.
Here is the kicker. The ones I considered to be my closest friends, the ones who I myself attended their graduation parties, did not show up to mine. I heard nothing from them. No excuses. Nothing. It quickly turned into the worst evening. I did not realize they weren't there until my family started asking questions. They were all wondering where my friends were. I myself began to start wondering where they were. I made excuses for them, saying that they were coming later, but as I neared the end of my party, it was obvious that they weren't coming. That alone sent me into a really bad meltdown. A meltdown that I hadn't had in a very long time. I was trying to hold it all together. You know, to keep up appearances for my family. But I just couldn't. So I quietly left my own party and ran to my parents' house. I knew I needed to talk to the one person who keeps me grounded. That was my sister. As soon as I walked into the apartment she looked at me and I just bawled. I just couldn't hold it in any longer. She hasn't seen me cry like that in a very long time. So she instantly knew it had to be bad. I sat on the couch and explained to her that some of the most important people in my life weren't there for me when I needed them to be. That my friends didn't come, and I haven't heard a single word from any of them. I was crying then she started crying because she was so upset about seeing me that way. Well, shoot, I am crying now just thinking about it! I was so upset at the fact that the people I supported couldn't take five minutes out of their day to support me. I was embarrassed and hurt. I couldn't understand how in their minds I wasn't someone who they should make sure to be there for. I just didn't get it. You put so much time and effort into the friendships just to find out it was only one-sided. How do you let something like that not affect you? How do you act like everything is okay when it isn't? As I was sitting there after crying for thirty minutes my sister was trying to calm me down. She said all kinds of things. I was so hysterical that I couldn't even tell you what she said, although I do remember this one special thing. She told me that she had a meltdown just like the one I was having. Right after high school, something so similar to her happened. So similar that she began laughing at me. She said, "Ayana, baby, this is the way of life, you may be having a major meltdown but listen to me; this is just a realization." She said, "After high school, you realize so many things about the people you surround yourself with." She told me that (in summary) because your heart is so big you hurt more than the rest. She has watched me grow throughout these four years, and how happy I was to finally found my people. She knew it in her heart that they would do something like this to me. She said, "It is exactly why I never liked meeting any of your friends except Journey, because when I looked at them I could tell from the start how it was going to end." That stopped me from crying. This is because she knew it way before I could. She just wouldn't say anything knowing I would come to their defense. How amazing is it to have someone looking out for you without even knowing you would need them to?
As I calmed down my brothers and a couple of our work friends came into the house. I have never jumped up so fast in my entire life. I ran into the bathroom to get myself together. In the bathroom, I just stared at a puffy eye girl with tears streaming down my red eyes wondering why I allowed myself to feel this way. About five minutes later I left the bathroom and went to brave everyone. As I looked around at them, nothing but sadness filled their eyes. I have never looked at my older brothers and seen such a look on their faces. They felt everything that I was feeling and there was nothing they could do about it. So they all did what they do best and made me laugh, something I was in desperate need of. We all went outside and just sat there. My two brothers, my sister, my cousin, my friends Lindsey Luis, Ryan, and Jeffrey all just sat in one big circle on my balcony. They all looked at me and apologized. They said some very mean comments about those girls, and they all officially if they saw them in public would not be very nice. Most of all, we laughed. They tried making me feel better. They stayed with me the whole night, in reassurance that I wasn't alone. Here is what I realized. They were all I needed to be okay. They had my back, they were there when I needed them to be. That is what I was blind to see. That they were there, and the others were not. That they had my back and nobody else would but them. That is what got me through the night. Knowing that I have had these people surrounding me for years and I have never left my side. That is when I knew it was the only thing I would ever need.
As the night went on I was a little immature, and posted on my fake Instagram and Snapchat a BIG frick you to everyone who didn't show up. That is when the texts started to flood through my phone. The excuses I was waiting for came a little too late. I tried ignoring them all because I just couldn't bring myself to tell them it was okay when it really wasn't. It was probably the shittiest thing they could do. Ever since then I have received texts saying all kinds of things. How they are sorry, and that they have a present for me. All this stuff that didn't seem to fix how hurt I was. From there I've decided that I don't need those people who can't take five minutes to be there for me. I don't need to allow myself to be let down by them again. It isn't fair. I told myself that I will not ever expect anything from them. I won't allow myself to be pushed to the back of someone's mind. So, for now, I am trying to be okay with them. I don't want to be mad anymore. I want to learn to forgive them. So soon that is what I will do. Despite my family saying not to. I will be nice and cordial. I will spend the last of whatever time they make out for me this summer. Because in the end, we are all going their separate ways, and from showing they can't come to my graduation party. They sure won't be texting me while we're at separate colleges wanting to hang out. So I'll do what I can, for now, to be happy with who is around me. For the girls who let me down. One, you won't ever do that again I promise. Two, I hope life grants you all its wishes. I wish you all nothing but happiness. You deserve nothing more, nothing less than that.