Raspberry Fields

Here I start, in the raspberry field, falling once again, starting this cycle one more time. I wear my pained look, I’m joyless. I am the dumper, but I feel so guilty, so empty. I’m erupting at the bottom of it all. I’ll be climbing my way through the dense forest of feelings and pain. I’m driving me mad.

It’s also time for me to figure out who I am. I want to know what I like, what I dislike, what I crave, and what I hate. I feel lost between all these things I never tried. I have never been on a plane, I have never lived outside my hometown. I want to explore what this world has to give.

But thinking about this makes me miss him so much. I struggle to breathe. I feel sick, I feel dumb, I sleep 14 hours a day. I’m in bad shape. I’m in a “detox centre,” a love detox centre. How could I possibly let him go? I really felt as if I wanted to spend the rest of my days with him! And I guess I got scared again… I felt sad, I hate winter, especially because I sleep through most of it.

But this winter will be different. Way different, too different to coexist with what it did mean to be with him for the rest of my life. I got scared, scared to be scared. Probably, I’m for something. I’m giving myself a chance to fly once again. I’m opening myself to new opportunities! And that’s something I should be kind of proud of!

And all these mixed feelings are struggling to erupt in this raspberry field, while I’m lying on the cold ground, while I breathe and think. The weather is cold, it already feels like winter’s embracing my country, my town, and my soul. I can hear squirrels walking on crunchy yellow and orange leaves. I can smell the strong earthy perfume of the soil, the leaves, and some water mixed by the passer-by and the rain falls. I enjoy this quick switch between summer and winter, the always too-short autumn.

I let myself dive in the autumn breeze, I let go of every inner conflict drive itself out of my body, through the metaphorical death of nature. I’ll be reborn in May, with the sunny sky and the signing birds. I’ll make peace in every fight, and I’ll brush my sins off my skin.

A car is approaching, I can hear the loud rumbling of the engine coming through the dusty road. I got up, I didn’t want to look like the poet weirdo lying on the ground, thinking about life, pain, and misery. A very old man was driving this near-to-die vehicle. He didn’t even look my way when he passed by. He just furrowed the mud like everybody else. Then, I walked in his path, following his trail out of this land.

I felt the mud sticking under my shoes, making a smooth sound while I was walking back home. I didn’t figure out my life yet, but this little escapade made me figure out something important! Life passes by without even looking at you. Whatever are my difficulties right now, my inner struggles or my conflicts, I must move forward since Life won’t wait for me. And whatever choice I made is now done. There’s no turning back; time won’t stop! So, while I was walking home, the only thoughts I had were for this piece of writing and the next and so on.

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