Random Thoughts

I see it all around me. People happy with someone. Couples laughing, having a good time, loving. I wonder to myself; Will that ever be me? I find it funny that it is the same people who say that no one can make you happy, but I see them at the same time on social media saying that they were not happy until they met a certain person. It makes me sad and angry to see that sort of thing. Simply because, as long as I’ve known, people cannot have it both ways. I myself have seen too many people have it that way. Again, it makes me wonder if I can have it that way. I work so hard to be the best that I can be. I hate that it seems like my best will never be good enough. I am not sure if that sort of thing makes me a weak, pathetic man. I was one who believed that every person was a king, a queen, a prince or a princess, and that all we needed to do is claim our crowns and our thrones. What if I was wrong? What if its just my own fairytale of the fact that we all just want to be kings, queens, princes or princesses? What if this studio apartment, and my dead-end job are my fate? I have hope that that is not the case. I pray that there is something more for me. Something that can help me improve my station. Something that can help me improve my life. Something that will make things better for me. I know I am supposed to be appreciative of the things that I have. Because things can always be worse. Truthfully, I am grateful for the things I do have. I could not have this studio apartment and be homeless. I could not have a car and be walking everywhere. Which is good for the position I am in. I kind of need to drive right now. Truth is I’m all over the place. And I’m trying to stay focused on the things I’m supposed to focus on. Especially since the things I want are so far out of my reach. I want what others want. The better life. But I’ll settle for true love. The kind where I can love and where I can be loved. I have spent so much time being another person’s option. Being another person’s plan B. I wish just once I can be a person’s priority. I wish I could be another person’s primary person. Truth is, and it may make me a weak person, but I have always been a man who is not afraid of his feelings. I have always been a man who is not afraid to cry. I have been a man who has always been a person who has always worn his emotions on his sleeve. If I were happy (big if) people knew. If I were sad, angry, or depressed, people also knew. Either way I have never been one to hide any of my emotions. I have felt every emotion a person can feel in the past nine years. But even with every feeling that I have had, there is still that feeling of hope that there is someone who knows and understands my, I can not even call it pain. Simply because what I go through has nothing to do with anyone else. I know that for certain. My mistakes are my own fault. I know that. I know that everything that has happened to be is as a result of my own mistakes. My own failures. Since there is no one I can really rely on but myself and My Lord, I have no one to blame but me. I stare at myself in the mirror and know that I still have much to atone for. So for now, I must be this lone wolf. I can only hope my redemption will come to me…