Random Ramblings - Part Two

Oscar Levant said 'There is a fine line between genius and insanity.' The longer I live, the more I understand the painful truth behind that statement.

My sister was almost fifteen years older than me. I don't know what all of her mental health illnesses were diagnosed as, I just know that by the time she passed away, they were there.

Many moons ago, when we were both relatively healthy mentally (I think I was 18), we took IQ tests and compared results. She scored 141 and I had 146. Her shock was more than visible, she even vomited. Not once had I beaten her in a 'brain game' or gotten a higher grade. Of course, I now realize those are pretty meaningless numbers. They can fluctuate greatly depending on a lot of different variants, but most average folks don't get close to that level of brain function. I think those 'average' folks are pretty damn lucky. When you're smart, you tend to overthink... everything.

In our younger days, no one would play Trivial Pursuit with her because she always knew ALL the answers. She was never a gloating winner, people just grew tired of always losing. Our parents didn't place any value on education, so they refused to pay for post secondary for any of us. They even pulled the older children out of junior high to send them to work to help support our family. Dad had managed to support eight kids just fine with no more than third grade, so what was the point? My sister managed to go back to school in her thirties, paying her own way to get her high school diploma and later, her Business Administration degree, with honors. She was an incredibly talented creative, drawing, sewing, crocheting, counted cross stitch... it didn't matter what she she tried she excelled in creating beauty.

Life eventually wore her down. Her perception and priorities somehow ended up skewed. She still yearned for those she loved and cared about to be happy. She gave more than she had, to try and make it happen. I remember one year she bought her son all of the latest gadgets for his birthday, only to have her utilities cut off because she couldn't pay them. She had to run extension cords to the neighbors so he could use those gadgets. She grew increasingly agoraphobic, to the point she could not even bring herself to carry her garbage to the curb for pick up. Eventually the city fined her tens of thousands of dollars to come in and clean up the trash that had over taken her yard. Her physical health deteriorated and she seldom moved from her couch. We couldn't fathom how such a brilliant, beautiful woman could fall to such depths.

My sister and I were alike in many ways, but I never imagined that I could sink to the level that she had. Years later, I am beginning to see it. Feel it. Understand it. It seems that the more deeply we feel, the more our feelings are taken for granted. The more we give of ourselves, the more people want. If we are cursed with brains AND empathy we feel compelled to 'fix' it all and people come to expect nothing less. No one seems to realize that there are limits to how much we can give when we never get anything back. We are the 'givers' and apparently there is an expectation that our buckets are bottomless, or perhaps our loved once just assume that our reward comes from the act of helping and we need nothing more than that. I honestly don't know. What I do know is that somewhere along the way, we lose touch with our own needs, interests and desires

Life hasn't exactly treated me with kid gloves, there's been a lot of just plodding my way through a dark jungle, with threats around every corner. Fighting off dangerous beasts and pulling myself from quicksand, I have seldom just basked in the warmth of the sun. These past few years have been particularly brutal and at the same time, revealing. The world is full of monsters, hell there's at least one monster dwelling in each and every one of us. With each new dawn we have to decide if on this day we are going to set the monsters free or battle them with every ounce of goodness we can muster. I choose to try and keep mine locked up in a gilded, golden cage.

My niece likes to tell me I spew sunshine and rainbows and fart glitter, even on the cloudiest of days. It drives her up the wall. I think it's as it should be. I much prefer sunshine and rainbows over the poison I see and hear when I listen to others. I suppose that's why, it sometimes seems they all seek me out. Nobody stops to think I may be battling my own demons. They just want to bask in the warmth of that sunshine. Like a furnace, trying to stave off the chill of a winter's day, it's hard work. Every day it gets harder. As the belts begin to wear, the monsters squeal louder. They rattle at the bars of their gilded cage. If I can't make the time to retreat into silence and do the maintenance needed to reinforce their cage, they'll surely escape and lock me up in the a dark world of insanity. No gilded cage for me.

I can only pray that someone will decide to radiate some of the warmth. Pass it on. Pay it forward. Be kind. Use my light to light your torch and then step into your darkness and chase the shadows away. Spread that light, share it. Light someone else's fire. I'm only just beginning to realize that by myself I can't illuminate and warm the entire world, regardless of how much I want to. If you are using my fire, you can't just sit back and bask in its warmth. You can borrow a spark, take it away and ignite your own flame to chase away your chill and darkness.

If I am the only one warming and illuminating the world, I will eventually be consumed to fuel the flame and the light will die out. Like my sister, I'll curl up on my couch and let the world around me crumble. It's easy to lose faith and allow fear to get a grip on you when you look at all the conspiracy theories and conflict floating around today. My flame almost burned out not that long ago. The couch had a pretty firm grasp and for a time, I wasn't strong enough to break away. Then someone reminded me that it's okay to say 'No' and it's okay to rest. It's also okay to reach out and ask for someone to help stoke YOUR flame.