Random Ramblings of a Single Woman in the 21st Century

They say that those who want to be with you will be with you, but in this day and age there have been so many I may have wanted to be with but never was because of bad communication. It is so easy to assume things and misread situations in today's world of technology and dating apps. We need to normalize communication, openness, and honesty.

And that's coming from someone who is extremely uncomfortable when put into a situation involving rejecting someone else's advances.

I readily admit that I have my flaws when it comes to turning people down, and I am fully aware of the fact that ghosting, or trickle ghosting / slow fading, is a much easier way out than talking through whatever issues you're having. I will even admit that I have ghosted several people.

I don't think I have a fear of commitment. But I do find it hard to let people in too quickly, and it seems like that's exactly what dating is like these days. Either you get on right away and you become a couple after no time has passed, or they lose interest in you. At least that's how it seems to me.

So when someone shows a lot of interest in me after talking for just a few days, it freaks me out and I backpedal like it ain't nobody's business.

Example 1:

When I was 24, I met a man online who was around 31 years old. He lived around 3,000 miles away from me. We exchanged pictures (clean ones) since we'd met on an anonymous website. And you know that common courtesy comment you make when someone isn't unattractive but you can't find anything specific that you truly like so you just say a general, "That's a cute picture"? Well, I made the mistake of using that line on him.

He took it and ran.

He talked about how it had just been so long since someone had given him a compliment. He started talking to me even more often. He started talking about how he was moving closer to my (very general) part of the country for work and we should try to meet up some time.

I took a vacation to his area, unrelated to him, and when he found out it seemed as though he was genuinely upset that I hadn't told him I'd be there. Oddly enough, I don't make it a habit to visit strangers 3,000 miles away from me when there's not even a solid friendship base to grow from yet.

It got weirder when he kept pushing to start making plans together. We'd never talked on the phone. I'd barely seen one photograph of him. He lived across the country from me. He had gone from zero to one hundred over one minuscule compliment.

I started backing off in conversation, trying to put some space in there and pump the brakes. He pushed harder. Eventually it turned into a sort of accidental ghosting, in that I genuinely forgot to respond to him for nearly a week.

Except he didn't let it go.

For the next five weeks, it was like clockwork. He'd send me a new message to check in with me and see if I was doing ok. And I realize that that makes me look like a pathetic P.O.S. When someone on the outside looks at this situation, I just look like the piece of trash that wiped this poor sucker all over the asphalt.

But have you ever just this extremely uncomfortable negative gut feeling about someone?

Because that's exactly how he made me feel. Uncomfortable.

That seemed about as good as my dating experiences would get. Either I'd match with someone fantastic who would ghost me, or I'd find these people clicked with so so well only for them to come on way too strong and make me extremely uncomfortable.

But about a month ago, after a few weeks of chatting via the app, I met a guy for a date. We had clicked super well over text, and his pictures were super attractive (but not unrealistically so). I was really looking forward to it. He lives over an hour away from me and he drove all the way to me for our first date.

And that first date was amazing. We were together for around nine hours.

And we've seen each other once a week since.

We've had three dates so far. The first was just a quick stop at a coffee shop, a walk around the park, and dinner, followed by a long chat in my car. The second was a take out dinner at a drive in movie. And the third was another walk in a different park followed by a lovely walk through downtown that was beautifully decorated for Christmas.

Before him, I was of the impression that if I didn't "feel" something the first time I met a guy then he wasn't the one for me. I'm still not sure about this one. When I met him the first time, something felt so right, yet I couldn't tell if it was the kind of right that comes with the right relationship, or the kind of right that comes with the beginnings of a great friendship.

It's an uncomfortable feeling for me, being in this middle ground of lack of clarity between friendship and romance. Maybe it's just uncomfortable because it's unfamiliar to me.

He himself doesn't make me uncomfortable though. In fact, it seems that we have this mutual comfort with one another that just kind of feels nice. It's not necessarily romantic for me yet, but the silences between us aren't weird and we spend a lot of time together which I think is a good sign.

He's unbelievably sweet. He doesn't push anything. He hasn't even tried to kiss me. Which is actually mildly aggravating, but there's also nothing stopping me from initiating so I can't really fault him on that one. He asked my permission to hug me after our first date. He was so shy about holding my hand on the second date. He seems so excited about seeing me again. We had to reschedule for just 3 days later than our original plans and he genuinely seemed saddened that we had to put off the date. I might be moving away for a job soon and, again, he was genuinely upset about that, although when he found out it was only five hours away from him he did tell me not to tempt him because he'd make that drive. He also asked me about a New Year's Eve date, which I haven't had in years, so maybe I'll finally get a New Year's kiss again.

I'm terrified of falling for him.

I'm terrified of spending all this time getting to know someone and having it be all for nothing.

I'm terrified of a lack of reciprocation.

I'm just terrified.

But there's an air of excitement in me. A little bit of a flame that burns.

That's what scares me the most. The hope. The possibilities.

I don't want to rush anything. I want to take my time and enjoy the little things. But at the same time, the what ifs are killing me and, should they happen, I want to get it over with sooner rather than later. Just rip the bandaid off and get it over with. All of my insecurities are constantly flying around my head and I'm just scared.

What if the first kiss is awful?

What if his family hates me?

What if my family hates him?

What if he realizes just how fat I really am when he finally sees me naked?

What if I get tired of him?

What if he gets tired of me?

What if I'm too much?

What if I'm not enough?

I'm tired of being alone though, and I'm hoping that maybe this will finally be the break in the monotony that is my long term single life. I don't want to find a relationship just to break up being single, but let's be real here. I'm so tired of being alone. I just want somebody who isn't related to me who enjoys being around me and who wants to (eventually) come home to me.

We all just want to be loved, right?