Humans logo

Quarantine Truth

My Broken Heart

By Shaun LovePublished 3 years ago 6 min read
1

The beginning of this quarantine was scary. Everything happened so fast. Within a matter of days I was working from home. Thinking by September, we’d all be back to work, well, we know how that went. Early on, adjusting to home life wasn’t easy, it became pretty hard as a matter of fact. On top of finally working from home, I was now also a teacher’s assistant. Having to make sure my kid was paying attention in class and doing the assigned work, ON TIME, it became a little overwhelming.

I found comfort in talking to a friend. We would chat about adjusting, sports, Mary Jane and whatever else to pass the time. We would send each other memes, gifs, crack jokes, things to keep our spirits up. We started talking everyday; texting, DMing each other, it became a daily routine to text all day and message all night.

One Friday night, out of no where, I get a text at 1am. It was him. He sent me a meme. We laughed about it. He told me about a meme page he and his friends have, I added myself and we texted a little more. He started talking about late night snacks, told me he was hungry. I went down the food line, obviously oblivious to what “snack” he was referring to. I got to peanut butter, noticed it was a trigger, figured out why-I was the peanut butter. He said he wanted to taste it, the snack I told him to have and then BOOM! Light Bulb! I knew exactly where the conversation was headed. He asked me if I remembered about a dream I told him about 5 yrs prior. I lied and said I didn’t, I don’t know why I lied but I did. That quickly ended the conversation for the night and laid in bed wondering, why? Why after all these years? Why would he bring that up?

The dream I had was intense. We were at company party and he showed up with a girl. This bothered me so much I drunk myself stupid. I stumbled out of the building and he followed me, he took me back to his place. I wake up in the middle of the night in a t-shirt and an unfamiliar bed. I see a tv light on and walk towards it. I find him sitting on the couch, he asked me if I was ok, i simply replie “yes”. I sat on the couch and we talked about what happened. I told him why I was upset and he called me to move closer to him. We talk some more and then he kisses me. We begin to kiss passionately and I straddle him on the couch. Then we make love. Long, hot, steamy, sweaty sex. We wake up the next day, we’re at the table and he’s reminiscing on the hours before. I get up and walk over to him. I straddle him in the chair and he carries me to the room. The dream was so vivid, I can still feel how my body felt. The surging flowing through it. His hands all over me, his lips, his tongue-this was all a dream. The dream I lied about not remembering. Of course I remembered, every detail.

Our friendship flourished because I was able to shove my feelings for him way down into my big toe. I felt like if I couldn’t have him intimately, we could at least be friends. We built that together and it was a fun relationship. Even with our months of not talking (usually me not talking to him because I felt he was ignoring me) we still managed to survive it. 5 years! 5 years of this and now? Now you want talk about it? The very next morning I text him, “I lied”. He quickly responded with a question mark. I replied, “I do remember”. He lol’d me. That was a Saturday. Monday I sent a “Good Morning” text. He asked me why I lied and I told him because I didn’t want him to regret anything the next day. I was unaware he even knew about the dream. See I sent him an email with every detail. Which means he read it and never told me. All these years of thinking he never read it and I’m telling him don’t bother reading it. He wanted me to recount the events of the dream, so I did. I text him every detail, letting him know I didn’t think he knew everything, but he read it.

We found ourselves for months, emerged into this flirtatious relationship. Now texting during the week, only late at night on Saturdays and me leaving messages only he can see on social media. We’ve always had this push-n-pull between us. It’s annoying because no matter how many times I want to leave him alone, he always starts popping up. Liking posts, checking my stories. Making himself known. Letting me know, again that we are tied together. It used to be worse at work because I’d have to see him. He would make it a point to say “hi” and talk to me or get close to me in the elevator, knowing full well I wasn’t talking to him.

Here we are in the present, repeating the same cycle. This time something’s changed. One late night on a Saturday, I was super drunk and high, picked up my phone and text him, “I want you”. He was drunk, I knew because he drank Saturday nights. It was the first time in 5 years, he actually told me some truth. He told me what he wanted to do, how he wanted me, how he felt. It was the first real thing he’s ever told me. First honest, forward thing I ever got out of him.

Next thing I know, silence. He was shutting me out, like he often would. I text him and asked him if he was feeling guilty, no response. The next day I asked again and was told he wasn’t being the man he wanted to be to his family. He wanted to be a “good guy” to them and a good friend to me. I. All honesty, he was never a good friend to me. All conversations had been initiated by me, except that one night text. I was the one that reached out every time. The one that kept communication going all those years.

I found myself caught up in someone. I allowed myself to feel, deep feelings for someone. I found myself hurt, yet trying to maintain a friendship. Why? Why was it up to me? It wasn’t! I was putting all the stress on me to keep it all together. He went silent. He was fine with it. Even when I reached out, like an idiot, he kept things short and I could feel the difference. Then came the distance. Then the heartache. So much I had to take a trip to find myself again. I came home and still wasn’t fully healed, but I definitely felt better.

It’s been months since we’ve talked, chatted, text...whatever. He still occupies my mind, but I get so angry with myself. I have to remind myself. He left me on read twice. For someone who wants to be a good friend to me, he just doesn’t know how or doesn’t care to. I just hope he’s happy. I hope he’s found whatever it is he’s looking for cuz, I can’t keep letting myself do this thing again. I just have to love him at a distance.

breakups
1

About the Creator

Shaun Love

just a vessel writing from the heart

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.