Psychology Finally Reveals the Answer to Finding Your Soulmate

We all as social creatures have a deep and underlying desire to find that one special person to spend the rest of our days. That one person that when we meet, we feel an uncontrollable desire and an illogical sense of familiarity. As if you had known that person for a lifetime, or perhaps lifetimes. Whatever you want to call it, films and television alike have romanticized the phenomenon known as the soulmate.

But what do we really know about the perfect mate or the ideal partner? Psychology is finally shedding light on the mystery that encapsulates so many hearts and minds around the world to understand what truly makes two people compatible for a relationship.

The Issue with Compatibility

Dating sites boast about their in-depth personality tests—they stand firm in their belief that it is possible to find your ideal mate based on how you answer surveys designed to gauge personality traits, temperament, and religious/philosophical beliefs.

Now, this sounds very appealing for many different reasons. Firstly, you want to be with someone who shares the same values as you and perhaps even someone who enjoys similar activities like climbing a mountain together or training for an Iron Man marathon.

Secondly, it only seems logical to search for another person that also wants to raise children and begin a family someday. Lastly, we have such a yearning for love as social creatures, that we will convince ourselves of just about anything to fill those empty jars in our hearts.

These reasons create quite the compelling case for compatibility sites — but how well and how long do the relationships that have similar interests and quirks truly last?

Dr. Ted L. Huston of the University of Texas ran a longitudinal study of couples that had been married for years and in his research, he found out something quite surprising. Dr. Huston’s explains,

“My research shows that there is no difference in the objective compatibility between those couples who are unhappy and those who are happy.”

Dr. Huston said that couples who are feeling content and warmth in their relationships stated that compatibility wasn’t an issue for them. In fact, they were perfectly “ok” saying that it was them who made the relationship work, not the compatibility of their personalities.

However, when the unhappy couples were asked what they thought about compatibility, the majority of them answered by saying that compatibility is extremely important to a marriage. And sadly, that they didn’t believe they were compatible with their significant other.

Dr. Huston explained that when the unhappy couples said, “We’re incompatible,” what they were really saying was, “We don’t get along very well.”

That is where the issue arises with compatibility, everyone who is unhappy naturally blames it on the facade of compatibility. They fail to realize and comprehend that a successful relationship does not hinge its posterity on how alike you are — instead, it hangs on by the sheer willpower and desire to stay in a relationship.

As observed in other cultures where arranged marriages are the norm—they tend to last longer and tend to be happier in their relationships. Now, do these arranged marriages last longer because they don’t have the option of divorce as we do in the Western World?

Of course not, it is because they choose to stay committed and are not looking for “the next best thing” or someone more suitable in their eyes.

Professor of Sociology at Stanford University, Michael J. Rosenfeld explains that arranged marriages aren’t that different from the romantic relationships we have in the Western World. The greatest difference is in culture— Americans value autonomy more than anything, they want the freedom to choose who they want to be alongside.

More often than not, however, we get stuck in the perpetual loop of consciously and unconsciously considering someone else when things aren’t going perfectly in our own relationship. And this is where the illusion of compatibility comes into play.

Finding Your Soulmate to Spend a Lifetime

So we know that building a relationship with another person is dependent on you and the other person. It has more or less very little to do with compatibility. But if you cannot depend on compatibility exams or some standard form of testing to find your ideal mate, then how do we do it?

John Gottman, the founder, and director of the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle said that measures of personality are incapable of truly predicting the length or success of a relationship.

John Gottman’s Relationship Research Institute discovered that couples who focus their energy on building something meaningful together in their life (e.g., starting a business together) tend to last the longest. How a couple interacts is the single most fundamental aspect of creating a successful relationship.

Meaning, it’s not who you are or what you do that will prolong or help you find your soulmate or the perfect mate. It’s how you speak to each other, how well you get along, how many dreams you can envision together.

John Gottman goes on to say if your relationship or interest supports your greatest life dreams—your ideal partner will look up to you, admire you, and view you through rose-colored lenses. Now, this sounds ideal, but when you truly reflect on how you have always wanted to be treated — having someone who genuinely believes in your greatness, is paramount.

With that being said, do not fully rest your beliefs on how we view one another. A large part of the connection you feel with another person is indeed emotional. Therefore, you must be capable of responding to each other when you need something. Or as John Gottman said,

“Does your partner turn toward you with equal enthusiasm? You need to ask questions and constantly update your knowledge of one another.”

Final Thoughts on the Soulmate

If you truly are looking for love and want to find that person you can spend the rest of your life with, then remember that you create compatibility. There is no magic formula or perfect algorithm for creating a long-lasting and fruitful relationship with another human being.

Yes, you need to find the other person attractive, look up to them, and feel a strong sense of familiarity with them, but those are but one small slice of the pie that constitutes a healthy and long relationship.

So next time, you spot someone who catches your attention and makes your pupils dilate with interest and enthusiasm, pay attention to whether or not they can see the dream you envisioned for your life.

If they can share in your delight and can accept you for who you are today, not for who you can be tomorrow — then you have found your soulmate.

Works Cited/References:

1. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/201102/ten-secrets-compatible-couples
2. http://www.gottman.com/
3. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201312/who-is-attractive-and-compatible-romantic-partner