Pisces Rising

I don't believe in astrology.

Just so we all start off on the same page. Don't believe in it. Don't believe that the position of the sun and the moon and a bunch of planets and disconnected stars have any bearing at all on my life.

That said, I have never, ever felt so seen as I did when I looked up my full birth chart.

Never mind why I, an unbeliever, was looking up my astrology chart, okay?

The important part is I now understand - and, even better, can put into words - something that has frustrated me for years now.

I am a Capricorn. Slid in just under the wire, narrowly avoided being a Sagittarius.

Capricorn. Earth sign. Practical. Organized. No-nonsense.

I am all of that and a bag of pessimism.

But I kind of hate it? Like, people I work with see me as organized, but my bedroom is an unholy disaster, and once I explained to my fiancé that the reason my car was full of nightmares was because it was the only space that was mine, and therefore the only place I didn't have to keep clean for someone else.

I like to write poetry, and paint with watercolors, and sit by the creek daydreaming for hours.

I have a love-hate relationship with routine and scheduling. I freak out when I have no direction or goal for more than a few days, but I need at least one day a week that is completely unstructured, or I start dying inside.

I will almost always do the thing I need to do, and do it happily; but put it on a list and make it a requirement and I will fight it tooth and nail.

At work, no matter my job description, I always end up as the "Ask Becca, she knows everything," person.

At home, I can describe in great detail where the toy is that someone hasn't used since last July. My kids think I'm magic because I can find anything.

But my partner bought me a Tile for my birthday a few years back because I can never find my phone. Or my keys. Or my purse. It's a mercy I don't need glasses yet.

This has always felt like a disconnect to me; how can I be both organized and supremely (and stubbornly) sloppy? Why can I keep track of where everything is in the office, but lose my phone at least twice a day?

I've often wondered if I am just a little broken. Like, I am supposed to be this effective, efficient doing machine and there's a gear somewhere that is missing.

Of course, the real answer is that humans are complex and the neat little boxes we create for ourselves are just artificial approximations to make us feel more in control of the chaos that is life.

The answer is also, apparently, that while I am a Capricorn sun, I am an Aquarius moon and a whole, entire watery Pisces rising.

No wonder I have felt trapped at times by my orderly, practical predilections! My identity may be that of a feet-firmly-on-the-ground older sister, but there's this ephemeral soul inside that just wants to drink tea and watch the sun go down.

Now, if only having this ability to explain my inner conflict meant I knew what to do about it! That might make me believe in astrology.

Seriously, though, my goal for this year is to find ways to harmonize myself with myself. I hope that I can harness my natural ability to organize, assess and produce and use it to make space for my dreamy creativity to run free.

Maybe if my "sun" and "moon" aren't fighting all the time, I'll have energy to, I don't know, explore that rising Pisces thing a little more.

Turns out you don't actually have to believe in a thing for it to be helpful.