Perfectionism: the internal ideal that deteriorates relationships

“It has to be perfect.” “Everything needs to be done perfectly.” “Ah, now, it's perfect!” What does that even mean?

There are no such things as perfection.

And because of that fake and very subjective conception, I messed up.

>>-----------------<<

Do you know that mixed feeling of nervousness and excitement before welcoming someone you love?

It's a special day, so you do your very best to make it all PERFECT:

• You wear something pretty
• You put on the perfume you keep for special occasions
• You double-check that nothing is missing on the table
• You cook that one dish you're great at cooking
• You bought some nice bottles of alcohol to enjoy the night
• You prepared some music playlists to create a romantic or sexy atmosphere
• You hide a surprise
• You make sure that the light dimmer works.

You put some unnecessary pressure on your shoulders that no one asked you for. You're even irritated at yourself if you miss or do something wrong.

But you also have that big smile on your face thinking about his/her arrival and how happy he/she will be to see everything you've done. That's your best motivation.

You imagine that he/she would say "Hi, honey. Sorry I'm late but I missed you so much!" then give you a warm hug and a tender kiss.

Only seeing him/her crossing the doorstep would make you have butterflies in your stomach.

>>-----------------<<

Me: Come to my place at 3 pm.

Him: OK, I'll do my best.

Me: Stop at the bus stop by the supermarket. I will meet you there.

It was 3:30 pm when I received this text message:

I'm still at home. Something unexpected happened. Family issues. I'll be late.

I replied:

No problem. I'll go to the supermarket and wait for you there. Let me know when you're about to arrive.

It was 5:30 pm. I called him and he said he will have a lift from a friend.

Him: I’ll be at your place around 7.

Me (with a smile): I hope you will not arrive after 8:00, it’s already late

Him: “No, don’t worry” he reassured me.

I went back home. I was so excited to see him.

And then, he arrived at 8:25...

>>-----------------<<

Having to wait for so long consumed my patience. I went from super excited in the morning to infuriated in the evening.

I couldn’t talk anymore, only shout. I was breathing way too fast. There was no way for me to calm down. I needed to let it all out.

Did it make me feel better? No.

But I took the selfish decision of letting my anger explode which has hurt him. He felt humiliated and I felt guilty for days.

Yes, I wanted everything to be perfect.

I wanted him to be on time, I wanted us to talk, I wanted to spend at least 24h with him with no interruption from the world... It was all about me! All about what I imagined as “perfect” in my head.

But none of it was real.

>>-----------------<<

Lessons learned:

“Perfection belongs to narrated events, not to those we live.”

― Primo Levi, The Periodic Table

“If you look for perfection, you'll never be content.”

― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”

― Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life

“How strong our relationships would be if we could see and respect that we are all perfectly imperfect for our journey.”

― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free