Parasocial or Parasitic

What defines a parasocial relationship?

“Wikipedia notes parasocial interaction (PSI) refers to a kind of psychological relationship experienced by an audience in their mediated encounters with performers in the mass media, particularly on television and on online platforms. Viewers or listeners come to consider media personalities as friends, despite having no or limited interactions with them. PSI is described as an illusionary experience, such that media audiences interact with personas (e.g., talk show hosts, celebrities, fictional characters, social media influencers) as if they are engaged in a reciprocal relationship with them. The term was coined by Donald Horton and Richard Wohl in 1956.”(1)

It is the last group in this description I want to focus on here. And not so much the stereotypical social media influencer, but rather those that influence us the most on social media. But who influences us the most on social media?

We often assume social media influencers are celebrities that have transferred their public image to focus on making content exclusively for social media platforms. Or those that have risen to a level of celebrity due to their ability to gain followers on social media. But are they the ones that influence us the most?

I don’t believe so. I believe the most influential people on social media are the ones that we interact with. Whether they be friends and family we have in the real world, friends we’ve made online through shared interests, or sometimes, even the people we get into disputes with online. And sometimes it’s that last group that’s most influential to us, as they often draw out our strongest emotions.

Online relationships have many of the same dynamics as real-world relationships, despite how disconnected we may believe we are from them. They can be helpful, harmful, neutral, nurturing, or parasitic.

Oftentimes, who we are online is not who we are in real life. Think of things like your avatar in a game, or even if you create under a pseudonym. You may use one of these to protect your true identity, or as a way of escaping your everyday life. Nonetheless, they are a part of you.

Am I an expert on relationships? Not really, but I’ve interacted with an above-average amount of people. If I’ve learned anything in life, it’s that sometimes it’s not the person that knows the most that are important. It’s the person willing to speak up and bring up uncomfortable topics that can be the strongest voice

What is a healthy relationship?

In simplest terms, a healthy relationship is one in which you feel safe. No matter the relationship, whether online or off, romantic, friendship, or work, you should always feel safe when you’re interacting with the other person. We often have a gut feeling when we are not safe. You should always listen to that inner voice.

I made the mistake of not doing this once, and it nearly cost me my career. Also, listen to those around you, especially those that have been in your life for a while. You may think they’re just criticizing your new relationship, but more often than not, they’re looking out for you because they care and have your best interest at heart. This is especially true if they are telling you that you’ve changed, and it’s not in a good way.

How do parasocial relationships form?

As noted before, many form parasocial relationships with celebrities, politicians, or even fictional characters. I’m more guilty of the latter than the first two. This is because somewhere around 2005 I made a conscious decision to not care about the personal life of celebrities or politicians and to treat them with the same importance I would the cashier at the local grocery store. Well, perhaps I should correct myself. I actually care more for my local cashier, because at the end of the day, I have a more real, relevant, and intimate relationship with them , than I will with most any famous person.

On the flip side of this are social media relationships. This is where the strangeness of parasocial relationships starts to kick in. Now, more than ever, people can connect with the creators of their favorite content. I have done this myself, as I follow the creators of my favorite podcasts on multiple social media sites(they don’t all use the same socials).

The most extensive of these relationships I have is with the creators of Stuff They Don’t Want You To Know. As one of the earlier fans of the podcast(definitely not the earliest, I started listening in 2015). Matt, Noel, and Ben are a great set of guys, and examples of what developing a good relationship with online creators can be. They’re always gracious with fans of the show and have been open to many suggestions, not just from myself but from the many fans of STDWYTK. This has turned into me getting to know Ben on a more personal level, which is something I appreciate in this crazy world. And it is their example that I often try to emulate online, even if I’m not always great at it. The relationships I have made following STDWYTK, Ridiculous History, and Stuff To Blow Your Mind have truly formed my basis for what helpful, nurturing, and healthy online relationships should be.

So, what about harmful, neutral, or parasitic?

It is my opinion that most online relationships, especially in affinity groups fall into the category of neutral. Why neutral? Because Facebook groups appear to be dedicated to whatever people want to nerd out on. This is great because we all need a reprieve from the stress of life. And what better way than to laugh at a silly meme, or to discuss the intricacies of the Babylon 5 universe.

How can groups become harmful or parasitic?

One of the main ways groups have become harmful over the last few years is by being incubators for, and spreaders of misinformation and disinformation. This was not new before the 2016 election, but since that election and the subsequent years, the amount of harm that has spread through online chats and groups has increased exponentially. This has metastasized into the political upheaval of the last two years.

How does this relate more specifically to online groups of creators?

Well, I have joined and left more groups related to drawing and writing than I care to think about. Some have been helpful, but most have not. Oftentimes these groups degrade into members squabbling over one thing or another. This is usually over someone being critical vs giving a legitimate critique. But recently, I have seen some of these groups fight over certain members.

This is not what these groups are for. No matter who you are in the group, it is important to remember you do not own the members. This is especially true if you are the creator, admin, or moderator of the group. If you are in a leadership role of this type, it is more incumbent on you to treat members with care and dignity. Taking actions that sow dissension is at best problematic, and at worst, harmful to group cohesion and the mental health of all involved.

The far end of harm that such environments can create are groups that become parasitic. These are groups where the focus of the group starts to turn more towards the creator of the group. This is destructive, as it alienates some members( leading many members to leave), or it turns others into proto-cults, where members feel compelled to stay or face ostracization from the peer group they’ve become attached to.

How does one avoid these pitfalls? First, there are three very important things to remember in any relationship, but especially when online. Those are thresholds, boundaries, and comfort levels.

Thresholds- We all have certain things that are hot button issues. Remember, that what you may find acceptable, may not be so for someone else. This applies more to commenting and sharing certain material. If it’s not yours, don’t share it online.

Boundaries- This is more related to the intimate world of DM’s and building professional relationships. Remember, unless you’re paying someone, you don’t own their time. And even if you are paying them, be patient, unless it's a full-time job you're paying them for, don’t be too pushy.

Comfort levels- People are very communicative, even when we think they aren’t. If someone isn’t engaging with you as much, you may be overwhelming them. Be mindful that the other person may not reciprocate your comfort level with the relationship. Also, some people may have some considerations in a professional relationship that you are not able to be privy to. Rather than trying to push or “motivate” someone should do something, try rephrasing it as a question or suggestion. You're not going to make someone want to interact with you by pushing their boundaries, or acting like they are your employee.

And last, but not least, here’s a shortlist of how to manage most relationships I’ve learned from working security over the years.

Do:

Avoid- Decide, is this something that is going to affect tomorrow, next week, next month, or a year from now? If it’s not, it’s probably not worth engaging in the first place. Just avoid whatever it is, move on, and you’ll be happier for it.

Redirect- What is redirect? Redirection is what you do when faced with a problem you can't avoid. Here you are trying to redirect the problem into something more constructive. One of the best examples I can think about with this is when some in writing groups have complained about how much they make, or how many reads they get per month.

I am far from a top author here on Vocal. I know this. I have seen others do in a month what I’ve worked to do in a year. But I learned to stop getting upset at others' success, or my perceived lack thereof. I have started promoting my work more earnestly across three social media platforms, I created an author page on Facebook and many other things. But of all the things I’ve done, the best thing I started was tracking my stats and earnings outside of Vocal. This is nothing against Vocal’s system. Rather, it has been encouraging. I have been able to track that for the last seven months, my read rate has steadily increased, which has maintained an increase in my monthly earnings(as meager as they are).

Disengage- The last thing to do is to disengage. Going back to my experience with security, oftentimes the best thing you can do with a hostile person, if they keep pursuing you, is to disengage. Not only does this often mitigate the situation, by not feeding the monster, but if they do persist, it gives you better grounds to show that you did your best to leave the situation.

And now for the obligatory list of don’ts.

Be hostile- You will seldom win someone over by being hostile. Directly attacking a person, online or in-person is not a way to persuade them. Rather, it is usually best to simply not engage with a hostile person. Just remember to avoid, redirect, and disengage.

Parasitic- I would hope this would be obvious at this point, but don’t be the one to start a parasitic relationship. Always be willing to give as much as you receive in a relationship. Better yet, if you do something for someone, do it because you want to, not because you expect them to do something for you in return. You’ll be happier not always expecting a one-for-one reciprocation. Good relationships are lopsided, with who has received the majority continuously shifting back and forth between each member. Think of it like a teeter-totter, a perfectly balanced teeter-totter doesn't move, but as long as both people work together it keeps moving.

Abusive- Don’t be abusive. It’s not good for you, and it’s worse for the other person. As mentioned before we all have hot button issues. But it is important to do your best not to crossover from challenging someone’s ill-thought-out beliefs, into the territory of being abusive.

In closing, when you’re online, ask yourself, are you forming healthy relationships? Developing an unhealthy parasocial bond that isn’t reciprocated? Or worse, are you in a parasitic relationship? If you’re in the latter, are you the giver or the taker?

Thank you for reading my work. If you enjoyed this story, there’s more below. Please hit the like and subscribe button, you can follow me on Twitter @AtomicHistorian, and if you want to help me create more content, please consider leaving a tip or a pledged subscriber.

More from this author:

Citations:

1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parasocial_interaction