Pan

I am by birth a being of internal stress. My veins and muscles only mere things for physical appearance. In time, I have become a man of many secrets and feelings. The more of each make for one to more scared and miserable. The tale I share is one of many secrets, this is a secret that has created more secrets and bought many sorrows to follow. Yes, I am a man of many secrets, among those being my love for another man.

I had infatuations with guys in school. The same pattern would happen for each one. I see them, admire their beauty, become scared to talk to them or be around them, then ruin my chance of being a friend to them. My last year of high school, I tried to keep one guy, the last guy, only an infatuation. This man, I'll can him Pan, after the forest god. He was like the others; beautiful, smart, athletic, and kind. I would talk to him a little bit at a time, but he was the most I had talked to with those feelings I felt inside. I didn't want to hold back my truth any longer, but every time I wanted to tell him, I would miss the opportunity. Eventually, I had remained silent so long, I progressed out of the infatuation stage. I grew to love this man.

I've felt certain ways for a guy, one of them being sorrow. However, this was the first time I felt love. This guy was not someone I idolized, drooled over, or thought so much about him sexually, which is shocking, because he's too hot and flexible. These feelings were more directed by his sense of humor, his playfulness, his caring nature, and so much more. If I was in the same room as him, I would feel safe, even if I wasn't sitting next to him. When this other guy hung out with him a lot, I would become jealous and angry. He had become the man of my dreams, literally. In that sense, I wish he hadn't.

When my obsessed in the physical world, it was hurting. When my obsession reached the surreal one, it died. I can only recall one dream about Pan. It was one of a projection of what would happen had I told him how much I loved him in the near future. I lied asleep on my bed, trapped in mind still hearing the sounds of the physical world around me as I myself was being brutally attacked in my own head. Pan is a very skilled man. After telling him I loved, he began beating me. I begged him stop, he wouldn't. His best friend, a blue eyed beauty, entered my subconscious. How ironic, because he was the one I had manifested feelings for him before this one. The blue eyed beauty beat me too. The worst part was knowing it was a lucid dream. The worst part about lucid dreaming is not having control of the dream. I are aware it was not real, but it felt very real, and even if I had gained control, I still couldn't wake myself up.They hit me, kicked me a lot, strangled me when I cried more. A third party had entered the party, he just came to tell me how much of a waste of life I was, and that I deserved to beat to death by the two. The verbal assaulting one was also a friend of my love. They wrecked my body, then standing over it. Though dead at their feet, I was still very much in my head, and more scared as I woke up. I wouldn't tell him until close to graduation.

The end of the year came. I knew from then and onward, I would probably never see Pan again. I wrote him a direct message on social media, but it more like a long letter. It was genuine as it was painful. It took him a few days to see it. I ask the blue eyed beauty to make sure Pan read it because he was the closest to him, plus, I was still scared to tell him directly. After graduation, there was a party. From there and after, we had the best night. It was a night I truly felt myself happy around Pan without a care in the world. I wasn't his boyfriend, but he still shared his time with me. When I saw Pan read the message, he hadn't respond. I eventually nudge him, which got him talking.

When Pan got back to me, he told me he understood, why it was hard for me to tell him sooner, that it was a great night, and that he accepted me. Of course, I knew the next thing he'd say. He rejected me. I tried talking to him more but he was distant, I guess he needed more time. So did I.

Almost a month by since tell Pan I loved him. From that moment to then, it felt like the power I felt I had was gone. Only when I was deeply angered did it come back. Ever since, I still text him on his birthday, he appreciates that. He doesn't ask about mine, but that's okay. The worst part about the entire process was that he was the best. He's straight, but the best. No man in the gay community has ever been in my presence and treated me like a human being. When I think of the perfect man, it's Pan. How sad, right? A guy, a STRAIGHT guy that I didn't talk or hang around enough treated me better than other gay men. I'm constantly fetishized and hypersexualized by other men. If I want sex from someone, I'll be up front with it, but they want sex from me regardless of how I would feel about. Sometimes, I still feel ashamed to be gay because of them.

This year, I reached out to Pan, told him I appreciate his acceptance, as he was the first person I came out as gay to. Since starting college, I've been going out and back into the closet because of both homophobic people and racist horny gay men. Although, after talking to Pan, I felt myself really trying to accept myself. He told me "I remember you dude. I hope you're doing well. I didn't know I was the first person you told but I'm glad you were able to speak out. I'm proud of you I watched a lot of my friends struggle with coming out, but once they opened up became much happier. I hope you have found some peace knowing that even though the world is a crazy place, more people are becoming more informed and understanding of different people's perspectives. For the ones who have ever talked down on you, f***em. There below if they drag you down to their level. (Don't let them). Keep your head up, you're doing you and all the world can ask for". After I almost cried to that. He's truly amazing. From there, I had become more positive. I still suffer in many ways, but he helped me take off so many heavy weights.

About a week later, I was working doing food deliveries to people's houses. After I left one house, I recognized so many things from it. A car, two women in the drive way, a particular road to get to the house, and the letter 'S'. From those things, I put together a puzzle. When completed, I realized I had just delivered to his house. I've never been there, but I just knew, I went back a couple days later to see the color of the car to confirm. I felt like a stalker. Well, that was the final piece, and it fit.

I still love Pan, I always will to a degree. He has no idea I found that house, I don't know if I'll ever tell him. Pan helped reassemble a broken me. Although there are so many variables that connect us. I wish we could at least be very good friends, as we're so close in many ways. It's like so many things relative to us being together are closer, but than killed. It's a murder, and I am a murder, of crows, seeking an island, but it's nonexistent. They fly, searching for the end to happiness, but this end island is titled 'Nowhere'.