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P is for Pan and that's good enough for me

Learning the ABC's of my sexuality

By Eulonda B. MariePublished 4 years ago 4 min read
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I have known for as long as I can remember several things about myself that have never changed.

1. That I love stuffed animals, fuzzy blankets, comfy pants and anything snuggly

2. Plants, wildlife, nature and any study involving it literally makes me aroused, like really..being outside on a great day exploring trails is the catnip to this feline's soul and loins

3. Seeing women in power kicking ass and giving zero fucks (my early childhood heroes were Xena, She-Hulk and Wonder Woman)filled me with pride

4. I love 3 piece suits with pocket watches, especially seeing beautiful women in them

Oooh, Annie...I love her voice and I was completely captivated. I know this isn't a 3 piece, lol

5. How much I love art and that I can find art and beauty in everything and everyone...

I knew that I was different when I was 7. I told my aunt that I thought I was gay and she being a Christian told me she'd pray for me. I never brought that up again. It wasn't that she was mean or yelled. It was that she thought me being gay was something to be prayed for and hopefully the good lord would see fit to change me.

I went on about my life being a tomboy. Oh, how I miss the 90's. Tomboy. I have a great affinity for that term. Just like that term suggests I did exactly what would come to mind...running, hopping fences, climbing trees, fighting boys, playing football, and having an air of I'm a total badass. Oh and spunky smart mouthy comebacks to add to it.

I felt that for the longest I was more or less a girl but androgynous. I had a brief "girlfriend" in elementary, I still remember her name and how she looked. That led to me being rejected because she wasn't sure about where she stood, which was fair we were just kids. I'm just the sort of person that if I want something or someone I tell them. I, then, had a "boyfriend" I also, remember his name and face. Oh, I liked him a lot two wounded kids just making sense with the little sense we had. He moved away and that tore at me resulting in my 3rd-grade self becoming depressed, gaining weight, and not being my normal active soul.

For the next 5 years, I struggle with my weight but still wear boy's clothes. I enjoyed my goth phase but honestly, once goth you're always a little goth. Am I right?

I started noticing more of the types of people who got my attention:

-pretty men

- androgynous boyish and or pretty women

- drag queens

- transexuals, nonbinary/ nongender conforming

Ecuador's frist transgender Senator, Diane Rodriguez

I didn't have a word for it. I just knew there was far I was interested in than I wasn't, lol. I still got the inquires about my sexuality. Though, it bothered me less once I got into high school. I can say that I may not have always been comfortable in my skin at the same time I had a more solid sense of self then I gave myself credit for. I dressed how I wanted, spoke how I wanted, and presented myself as myself, whoever I was that day. I mean I wore a military jacket, knee-high boots, a cranberry satin dress shirt and, a skirt with navy blue diamond cut stockings for senior prom. My hair looked like it had too much grease in it...it probably did.

Fast forward almost 10 years to me becoming curious as to what exactly I was. A bisexual friend of mine from work had frank and fun conversations with me about sexuality, orientation and how people perceive bisexuality. I went home and wondered..."I'm into more than just men and women specifically." I dug for hours lo and behold, I had words like demisexual, pan, and omnisexual stuck in my head. Holy crap! I've got it!

Jump another 2 years, and I can confidently say I'm settling into my identity. Of course, I change and so it may as well but eh, for now when it comes up in conversation I say that I'm a woman with peculiar tomboy-ish qualities. My pronouns are her/she. I am a demi- pan/omnisexual(I just say that because I think one's gender adds beauty to the person. However, it's more about how they are.)

Oh and for those who may not know:

demisexual: being initially attracted by the emotional connection they have to a person, and the sexual attraction stems from that initial, emotional connection

omnisexual: acknowledges gender, but is still attracted to all genders and can often be attracted to people because of their gender

pansexual: being attracted regardless of gender, or do not care about gender

For Bonus points:

skoliosexual: people who are attracted to people who are transgender or nonbinary...they might identify as multiple genders, no gender, or another gender entirely

lgbtq
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About the Creator

Eulonda B. Marie

An unapologetic account with bountiful shades of sincerity, the musk of old 90's nostalgia, dirty secretions, pretty wildflowers and open fields.

Have a question, please ask. Closed mouth don't get fed. But fed bodies sink beds. Be mindful.

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