Osculation

Love can do a funny thing to the human brain. Whether you have it or not, whether you feel it or not, whether you’re looking for it or not. Every New Year’s Eve I find myself in straight nots. Every year thus far has ended without a love in my life that I can call mine, in loneliness that has perhaps left me a little jaded. Every year, despite my resolutions or maybe more accurately reservations, I can’t help myself from wanting that daydream that is a New Year’s kiss.

I have yet to experience a kiss like that, or any real kiss for that matter. Not that I haven’t had the opportunity, I just find myself constantly held back for the fear of being hurt the way my mother was. Without warning and without compassion, when my father left I watched as she tried to pick up the pieces of her broken fairytale life. If she couldn’t trust her best friend and childhood sweetheart with her heart, how could I possibly trust a stranger with mine? But, something about that perfect kiss under the promise, possibility and potential of a new year, a new me, seems magical. So wondrous and hopeful that it might be worth opening Pandora’s Box and letting my guards take the night off. Yet, as much as my irrational mind wants this, I double check to make sure every guard is at his post and there are no holes in my defenses before leaving for a New Year’s Eve dance.

Tiffany and her boyfriend arrive and honk at me from the curb. I walk out to meet them and see her leaning out the passenger window already shaking and bouncing with excitement, screaming in a pitch that only dogs should be able to hear. I smile at her, but try to tell her with my eyes in telepathic communication that only best friends such as us would be able to understand that she needs to take it down a notch if I’m going to get in the car. Her boyfriend, Lance, who has been with her for so long that now he even knows how to read my expressions, places a hand on her shoulder and quiets her with a small peck on her lips. I roll my eyes at them both and get in the back seat.

We hit the road hard with all the windows rolled down and rock music blaring at full volume. The wind blowing through my hair makes me grateful I decided against the lipgloss yet also, when combined with such a high energy melody, it gives me that sense of reckless abandon, and carelessness that can only be found in youth. It’s a foreign feeling to me, but I begin to feel high on my own juvenile state and find myself screaming along with the lyrics, joined by my friends.

By the time we arrive at our destination we’re all sufficiently drunk without an ounce of alcohol in us, absolutely high on what can only be described as life. We stumble through the doors and enter a fairytale of lights in a dreamscape that takes my breath away. We take in the scene, mesmerized by the bright colors and entrancing sparkle of lights that surround us. After about a minute Tiffany is the first to move dragging her boyfriend out to the dance floor, raving about the music. Left alone and not wanting to feel like a complete third wheel, I quickly look around to see if there’s anyone here that I know so as to keep this buzz. But instead of finding myself in the embrace of friends, a cup of liquid holds my hand. As the cup touches my lips and brushes my face my brain wonders of its own accord if this cup will be the only New Year’s kiss I’ll ever have. I roll my eyes at myself feeling weirded out by my own thoughts and break the apparently intimate embrace between me and this cup. As I try to regain control of my brain and think of something else, my eyes fall upon a stranger.

His eyes are what strike me and hold my stare. They’re a startling bright blue that if I wasn’t a direct witness to them I would think they were a trick of a camera. His dark hair only makes them seem bluer and I can feel that familiar, dangerous curiosity creeping up in my heart that tends to kill Kats like me. I tend to fall in love too easily, especially for someone so guarded against falling in love. The amount of times I’d fallen head over heels for a set of interesting eyes over the years were too many to count. However, even though I fall easily I pick myself up quickly. I break the connection between our eyes and rush for Tiffany to distract myself.

“Katy! Where have you been?” She yells above the music and takes a sip from my drink, “You’ll never guess what Lance did…” The boy has found my line of sight again and I find myself being distracted by him instead of the lilt of Tiffany’s voice.

A hand starts obstructing my view, “Hello Katy?” She turns her head in the direction my eyes were drawn searching for what could’ve drawn my attention away from her. I look down, embarrassed and frustrated with myself.

“Sorry girl, I was distracted. What were you saying?” I ask.

“No no no,” She’s still searching the crowd, “Who are you looking at?” She pauses to look in my direction, ever so slightly accusingly, “Must be a heartbreaker to have caught your attention.”

“Very funny,” I roll my eyes at her, sigh and give her an exasperated look. She’s the only one who speaks to me like that and she’s the only one who can as the gatekeeper of all my thoughts. Never one to keep secrets from her, I nod my head in his direction and find myself staring once again feeling mildly frustrated at my feelings. I know his interesting eyes are what attract me to his stare, but he seems equally entranced by me and my eyes are the same shade of brown that can be found just about anywhere. There’s nothing really striking about me, I’m not ugly but I’m not Marilyn Monroe. I feel confused now about why he seems to be just as interested in me as I am in him.

“Oohh, he’s cute,” Tiffany turns back toward me, “You need to dance with him!”

I feel a slight panic, “No...I can’t do that.” Either consciously or subconsciously I rarely choose to talk to the people I feel attracted to. Occasionally they’ve chosen to talk to me, and that’s when I get in trouble.

“Hey,” she grabs my shoulders in a strong yet compassionate manner. “Not every love has to end in disaster,” She looks me dead in the eyes and stares at me looking for the slightest sign from me to tell her if she’s pushing too much. There might be a slight grimace on my face, but she decides to keep going, “Look at me and Lance. We’ve been dating for 4 years now and I was just as closed off as you in the beginning.” She looks at me hopefully and continues, “He’s taught me so much about what real love is and I just really want for you to have something similar.” She sighs, looks down for a moment and starts playing with my hair, “You’re my best friend Kat and I love you more than anything. You deserve to be loved and have everything that you want.” I look at her not entirely convinced, but with maybe a tinge of hope. It’s enough for her to keep moving forward, “Come on, I know that guy that he’s talking to, let’s go over.”

I sigh and look in his direction again. He’s found a group of friends now and is taking quick glances at me instead of that long intense stare. Somebody makes him laugh and he glances my way as his smile makes its way onto my face. In my head I feel stupid and far too girly, but I just can’t help it. I can’t help but think that maybe Tiffany is right, maybe this could be different, maybe it might be worth making a hole in my defences.

She grabs my arm and leads me over in his direction or rather, a few degrees south of his direction. Tiffany has misjudged my nod in this general direction and spotted a completely different guy. Just as well, I’m a little disappointed but also relieved. This close to giving up all the keys to my carefully constructed walls to a strange man I’ve never spoken to, I know it will be easier on my heart to get to know a different boy that I’m not nearly as attracted to. Tiffany begins chatting with the guy she knows as Lance returns to her side with two cups for them both. She easily gets us all introduced in that sly manner that some girls just come by naturally and before I know it she’s facilitating a conversation for this boy Jordan and me.

“Ya know, Jordan, Katy here once placed second a karaoke competition,” she says and everyone nods with approval, impressed. “Yeah, she was practically a shoo in for first, because she did very well on the first few songs, but she completely BOTCHED the last one!” She started laughing infectiously and I smiled at the memory. “She chose a ridiculously hard Christina Aguilera song and it came out like a dying cat all scratchy and…” she attempts her best exaggerated impression of me singing and even I begin laughing.

“Accurate!” I choke out through my wheezing laughter and nod my head.

Jordan’s laughing beside me looks at me, “So what happened?”

I smile and begin telling him how I started out with songs I was confident in and knew I could do well, but how after feeling carried away by the crowd my hubris got the better of me. We all laugh and get carried away in each other’s stories. Eventually he asks me to dance and I’m carried away by his embrace.

As different songs blend into each other I get to know Tiffany’s choice for me. He’s a safe boy, on a strong career path and has a good head on his shoulders. As we dance I imagine what life with him would be like. I can see my whole future laid out before me, a white picket fence, him calling Honey, I’m home at half past five as two kids crowd his knees and I finish cooking his favorite supper. I would laugh with his family around the holidays and have an average, good life. Similar to the one my mother led before my father’s suitcases crushed it all under their wheels. And while I feel good in his arms now, I know it won’t last.

At this moment in my thoughts I’m interrupted by a gentle hand on my shoulder, “Ahem, may I have this next dance?” I’m struck once again by his eyes and startled at how not startled I was at his unexpected touch. I can’t help the slight smile that creeps it’s way on my face and I look to Jordan who simply raises his eyebrows, not necessarily happy to give me up.

“Sure,” he says as he passes me over. “I’ll see you later Katy?”

“Yeah, sure,” I smile at him before turning my attention to the man now standing before me and holding me close. I hate how my body betrays me by just settling into the closeness of his body against mine.

He clears his throat, “Um, I’m Hunter.” He gives a light laugh that tells me he’s nervous. Why would he be nervous? I’m not intimidating in even the loosest definition of the word.

“Kat,” I respond, reciprocating his little laugh, feeling incredibly bewildered at our interaction so far. It wasn’t anything like my interaction with Jordan. Perhaps it was that Hunter seemed to think there was something more to me than a mildly pretty face and funny story. The thought entranced me more, I wanted to see what he might see when he looked at me.

“Kat,” he whispers and looks down as if to commit it to memory. He looks up again and takes a deep breath, “So, Kat,” an awkward pause, “nice music right?”

I can’t help but smile and laugh at how awkward he is, “Yes, very nice.”

He smiles and laughs at himself, “That was kinda lame wasn’t it?” His chuckle puts me at ease and I feel incredulous at how such a beautiful human could be so nervous around me. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? “Listen, I’ve just been trying to get up the courage to talk to you for the last couple hours, I’m sorry if I’m a little awkward.”

“Why?” I ask, still incredulous.

He looks up toward the space above my shoulder and shrugs, “I guess I was just nervous. I saw you walk in and you just looked so beautiful.” Beautiful? That’s a first… “I knew I wanted to talk to you, but I just kept thinking, why would she want to talk to you?” He looks at me and forces a bit of a laugh.

“Yeah, I noticed you staring at me and I couldn’t help but wonder, what’s so interesting?” My turn to force a little laugh.

He looks at me confused, like I missed something obvious, “What do you mean? Have you seen that golden tint to your eyes?” He looks at the perplexed expression on my face and goes on to describe a fairy goddess. “Your eyes, they just hold so much, beauty for sure, but I also see an amazing, strong woman. Like you’ve lived and grown a lot in just a few years. It’s a little intimidating, but just really entrancing.”

At first I begin to think, wow this guy sure is a sweet talker, but there’s a part of me in the far reaches of my mind that whispers, he’s right, that feels so grateful to be seen as he sees me. I don’t know how to respond, my mouth feels caught between the two thoughts and I feel tongue tied.

He leads me around the dance floor in silence for a minute as I look around trying to reconcile the different parts of my brain. “Look,” his voice interrupts my thoughts, “I didn’t mean to make things weird. I guess I just tend to say things without thinking.” He looks almost defeated, like he feels he ruined the conversation.

“No, it’s not that,” I pause trying to make sense of the mess in my head. Bricks and barbed wire litter my mind and I trespass past the safety of my walls, “No one’s just ever said that about me and it feels weird.” My first few steps into the open territory beyond the walls are awkward and it feels like I’ve forgotten how to walk in this wide expanse.

“Really?” he looks deeply into my eyes and brushes the hair from my face.

“10!...”

Our gaze is broken and our bodies shift as our attention is called to the chaos around us.

“9!...”

I’m mildly shaking from the memory of his intense gaze. How deeply he saw into me, and how convinced he was of what he saw that he seemed so genuinely surprised that no one had seen it before.

“8!...7!...6!...5!...”

We join in with the countdown to the New Year and I look toward him.

“4!...”

His eyes turn to meet mine. I don’t know if it’s going to be the best or worst decision I’ve ever made. I know either way it’s going to be a stupid decision.

“3!”

My eyes flit to his lips and his voice drops down in volume. We both turn to face each other and I feel a small war in my mind that manifests itself in the churning of nerves in my stomach. I don’t really know this man, just that he sees more in me than I’ve even allowed myself to see.

“2!...”

His hand caresses my face and I lean into it, my heart pounding.

“1!...”

Our lips fit together, tentatively touching at first before he pulls away to look at me. I look deeply into his eyes, his soul, and see that it is the other half of my own. Once I see this and feel this to be true I can’t stand to be apart from him and lean up to kiss him once again. His lips meet mine and I find comfort in the way his hand holds my waist and the other weaves itself in my hair. After a minute we lips part from each other and we look into each other’s eyes, the familiarity running deeper than what we’ve experienced tonight.

As we stare into each other I realize that Tiffany was right, I did deserve this kind of love. But, there was more to it, I was promised this love. Me and this man had known each other in another life. We weren’t two parts of the same whole doomed to search for our other half, but we were two beings who promised to never let the other walk alone. Though neither of us were consciously aware of this promise, the deeper parts of us remembered and shone through our eyes to ensure that it was kept.