Open Letter to My Ex-Best Friend

To: You

From: Me

It's been months since we talked, I mean really talked before everything fell apart. That's not just on you, but also on me. We messed up, but I hope you're doing well. I was and still am going through a lot. I know you have your own life and go through your own ups and downs too. I just felt like we weren't listening to each other anymore. We talked but we weren’t ever answering each other, it felt like we talked over each other instead.

I've never been the type to share my personal life, but you do and I sat and listened to hours of boy and family drama. I never minded, but it killed me to talk about the same problems over and over again, knowing I couldn’t even help. While I know you would have listened to my problems and gave me advice if I had asked, I just could never bring myself to talk to you like that. When I asked for space instead, you closed in on me and I felt trapped and yet so alone. I should have gone to you though, you were my best friend and I should have trusted you more.

Instead, I stopped answering your texts and you stopped sending them.

I thought I needed space, but I really just needed a drama-free life for once. Something I hadn't had since I was maybe eight thanks to my crazy life. I’m sorry that I shut you out and made you think I didn’t care about you or our friendship. I knew it would probably hurt you and I did it anyway. I just wished you reached out sooner. Maybe we could have worked it out, maybe not, but at least we would have gotten it all out in the open. Truth is, I still feel alone without you. Nothing is the same anymore and I hate it.

These past months have been semi-better for me, and when people would ask about you I said we just didn't work out and I was fine. I never was fine. It hurts and is incredibly hard to handle, not talking to someone who I thought would always be in my life. I imagined us being there for one another as we finished college, started our careers, got married, started families, and grew old together. But here we are... separated.

All the memories we shared are engraved into my mind and yet they seem so distant.

I miss our late nights talking. I miss watching Friends while eating ice cream or drinking wine. I miss going out and dressing up and making the guys we knew turn their heads to look at us even when they said they didn't. I miss playing Mario Kart while we studied. I miss ordering pizza late at night and eating by the hot tub. I miss proving everyone wrong when they said we couldn't live together and would drive each other crazy. I miss it all. You do drive me crazy and I know I drive you crazy, but I still miss you.

I wonder if you miss me too, if you miss us.

Maybe we were meant to be friends just for a short period of time and learn things from the friendship. Maybe we meet back up later in life and reconnect. Maybe we figure things out now and continue a friendship forever. Whatever the case, just know that I will always miss you even if we don't talk. You will always have a special place in my life and if you truly need me, I'll be there for you.

I love you.