Online Dating for Men

The day of the random meet-cute is far from over.  It is possible to meet a compatible mate in the wild, through a friend, or through a shared activity. However, the world of modern conveniences includes one of the most powerful tools ever known to romance: the dating app.

Let's be honest, though: heterosexual cis men are having a hard go of it.  They complain about the apps they're on in their bios on those apps.  They bear the burden of starting interesting conversations. They see more links to other social media platforms than friendly greetings.  Who could blame them if they wind up feeding jaded from this experience?

I'm going to share some solutions to these problems.  I've got the perspective of a cis woman who has had some great luck with dating. Obviously I can't speak for "all women." My focus in this piece will be on the dating app techniques of monogamous cishet men.  Everyone else, please get your proverbial grains of salt ready.

Let's start with first impressions.

Profile Picture

I'm much more likely to check the bio of someone whose picture includes their face.  It's understandable if someone wears sunglasses or uses a filter because they're sensitive about their online presence, but hiding their face entirely is a red flag. Build a little trust.  Show people who you are.

From what I've seen, the two most commonly used profile picture poses are Man In Car and Man With Fish.  I get it; you probably don't pose for pictures very frequently, and being proud of a catch is one of the occasions that does get you to pose.  I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with such a standard approach, but be aware that your car or fish won't make you stand out.

...Unless the car or fish stand out in and of themselves.  Go ahead and show off your wood paneled station wagon or unexpected eel.

Your profile picture is a great way to show off your personality.  Have a friend snap a pic of you during your next game of Catan.  Take a selfie in a silly pose in front of your wall of Funko Pop figurines.  Show yourself cuddling your dog, assembling a model, carrying your baseball bat--whatever it is that makes you happy.

Bio

Oddly enough, this does have to be explicitly stated: your dating app bio is supposed to be about you.  Give prospective partners a snapshot of who you are and what you like.  You might talk about your hobbies and passions.  Maybe make a reference to media you enjoy and see if that resonates with someone.

Your bio can be a good place to mention values that are extremely important to you.  If you're vegan and can't date an omnivore, if you're very religious and can't date a person with tattoos, etc, mention it. Having deal-breakers like this out in the open can save time and emotional labor.  For example, if I see a profile that mentions someone only believes in the existence of two genders, I know to swipe left on the transphobe.

Unfortunately, a huge percentage of men's dating app bios include automatic turn-offs.  I don't want to dwell too much on the negative, but here's a list of common pitfalls to avoid:

• Stipulating "requirements" (eg "she must make $100k/yr or better").  This is a dating bio about you, not a job requisition for a woman you want to hire.  There are even online communities dedicated to mocking dating app bios that read like a list of demands.

• Copypasta. It was clever the first time I saw it, but it's old now.  And frankly, it doesn't tell me much about you.

• Cheating.  Mostly these bios use the word "discreet." Some flat out say, "My wife doesn't know I'm on here, but I AM a good guy."  You can be monogamous.  You can be ethically non-monogamous.  But if you're looking to be unethically non-monogamous, be prepared for a lot of rejection.
• Blank profile or, "Not much to say, just message me."  If you bother to make a first impression, you're more likely to have a chance at making a second impression.
• Complaints about the app/online dating.  Many bios say "I hate it here" and "I'm tired of matches without dates."  I recommend that your first impression with a potential partner be something positive.  Something that doesn't come across as whining.

• Kink talk.  Consent is the cornerstone of all healthy kink relationships.  If someone has not consented to discuss your kinks with you, then keep them to yourself.  If your kink is very important to you, you can mention that you have one you'd like to discuss.

Messaging

So, you've matched with a pretty lady! Now what?

Well, now she's got a dozen men in her inbox.  If your profile picture or bio are especially interesting, then saying hello to her may be enough to spark a conversation.  But if her experience is anything like mine, she's getting so many "hi" and "hey" openers that she doesn't have the time or bandwidth to give each one a thoughtful response.

Again and again, men ask, "Why match if you don't want to message?"  Some even complain that women are "lazy" and "entitled" because they don't put in as much effort as men do in romantic pursuits.  The fact of the matter is, you aren't competing against a woman's laziness. You're competing against the other men in her inbox who are putting in more effort than, "Hey."

That's worth emphasizing.

You're competing against the other men in her inbox who are putting in more effort than, "Hey."

Standard small talk like, "How are you?" can be polite and pleasant for some people, but others find it tedious and repetitive.  You can use the early stages of conversation with a prospective partner to quickly determine some important facets of compatibility. Bring up topics or ask questions about hobbies. Crack a joke and see if her sense of humor meshes well with yours.  Find out if there is a spark beyond "That person's profile pic is hot."

I went on dates with the guy who joked about juggling on a unicycle, the guy who told me about his carnivorous plants, and the guy who defended Revenge of the Sith as his favorite Star Wars movie (I think the correct answer is The Empire Strikes Back, but the conversation was a lot of fun).  Each one showed me his personality, and we clicked.

Once again, I must stress the importance of consent.  Many men attempt to sext, share lewds/nudes, or discuss kink without first obtaining consent. These men ignore women's comfort and boundaries.  They don't earn trust, and they aren't likely to successfully find a compatible partner. (Women aren't the only people who suffer from men doing this. Maybe men aren't the only ones who do it, I don't know. Again, my focus in this particular article is on cishet men.)

Setting Up the First Date

Let's get real: meeting a stranger can be dangerous.  If you'd like to better understand people's reservations on this matter, check out some CDC facts about sexual violence and stalking. Ensure your own safety and the comfort of your date by suggesting a public place to meet.

The rest of the arrangements have to be determined between the two of you.  Personally, I prefer situations that focus on conversation.  If coffee or a meal is involved, I want to pay for myself the first few times I meet with someone.  Consider your expectations and comfort level, and consult her about hers.

Rejecting Someone

You have every right to set boundaries for yourself.  If someone online gives you red flags, or if a date goes poorly, you are under no obligation to make yourself uncomfortable for their sake.

If you want to let her down politely, then be forthright.  Thank her for her time. Let her know you don't feel the connection.  Wish her well.

Getting Rejected

One important message you might not hear enough: if you aren't compatible with someone, that doesn't automatically mean that you're inadequate or that she is terrible.  The smartest, most handsome, funniest man on Earth won't be the best fit for every single woman.  

We humans have complex brains that process big emotions.  It's only natural to feel disappointed by rejection.  It may be helpful to keep in mind that every "no" you get rules out someone with whom you aren't compatible--and frankly, the incompatible people will outnumber the compatible ones.

I hope this helps.

I certainly enjoyed my time in the dating pool.  At present, I'm content to see it from the sidelines as my friends navigate their way between profiles full of freshly caught fish. Let's end with another copypasta bio I find amusing: