Old memories.

When I think back to my teenage years I feel sad. I’ve lost touch with so many people who I use to call friends. I’m sad because we don’t keep in touch anymore, I have tried to keep the friendships but they are meant to work both ways and I always find myself to be the one who always reaches out.

I sit here all alone with a smoke in my hand while my son sleeps in his bassinet to the sound of waves and soft lullabies. I think back to the time when I actually had friends who I hung out with and made memories with but that’s in the past now and it’s all gone.

I have no friends and I barely leave my house. No one checks in on me anymore or even asks how my son is doing and it makes me feel so lost and alone.

My son is and will forever be my best friend. I was his first true love, the first girl that he ever laid eyes on in a crowed room full of doctors and nurses, the first girl to ever tell him “I love you.” And that gives me hope because I know I will never lose that, till the day I die.

Making new friends just doesn’t seem like an option for me in this point of time. The thought of starting out with new people doesn’t sit well with me but I also can’t reconnect with the people I once called my friends as there is to much that had happened in the past to ever get that back.

I did try it once, I tried to reconnect with old friends but it just wasn’t the same. We weren’t the same around each other and we just lost touch again. They slipped off the face of the earth and just left me as if I was nothing. They didn’t even try to reach out to me again and there were many many times where I tried but they had no interest.

I had many friends who moved away and I tried to keep in touch with them as long as possible but I found out that they were coming back to our hometown and not once did they ask to hang out or see me. They tried to do it on the sly so I wouldn’t know and that hurt me a lot, so you know what I did? I shut everyone out. I stopped messaging and you know what? I haven’t heard from any of them since.

In a world full of people why do I feel so alone?

Why is it that the people that I once surrounded my self with, no longer think of me anymore?

It really does make me sad to think that I will never get that back.

The feeling of being surrounded by good friends and happiness.

The feeling of having sleepovers and parties with your closest friends.

The feeling of making good memories that will never be forgotten.

The feeling of just having friends but I guess that’s just what happens when you grow up and have children.

Days on end of feeling lonely and depressed. I know that one day my kids will see photos of us and they will ask me “who are these people?”

And I will smile, holding back the tears and say “it was them that I had the best days of my life with.”

A past life that I will hold onto dearly, no matter how I feel about those people I once called my friends