Of truth and torment.

I am not as tired today. My doctor told me to take a two-hour nap to compensate for the sleepless nights. It worked somewhat. I am not as fatigued. Perhaps, I will make it a habit - taking naps in the afternoon like a toddler. There have been scientific studies supporting this theory as promoting productivity, but I don't recall the titles at the moment. I fell asleep again at around 1 AM, that's usually the time my son goes to the kitchen to search for snacks. I heard his heavy footsteps descend the stairs.

I had no desire to walk to the river today. I sat on the old bench. I gazed upon the clearing taking in the chorus of sounds - the chirping, the scurrying, the hissing, the slight movement of leaves and branches with the wind. My eyes feasted on the green fields, the katchanita, other groups of trees of which I could not identify further away. The sky is clear today, no sign of rain - and I felt a certain calm, a tranquility I haven’t experienced in a while.

Then, I saw the image of a little boy running nearby, laughing. I was puzzled, and fascinated. In this clearing? Now? His face looked familiar, but I knew I hadn’t seen him before. He was lovely, with black raven hair, and a small tall nose. I was drawn to him. I wanted to go to him. To see, to ask what he’s called. To ask what he is doing here. By the gods, was this another empathic vision? I had an overwhelming feeling to get to know him, to hug and kiss him. My belly ached longing for this little boy.

I heard a hissing and looked the other way for a moment. I spotted his snake heading toward me. I ignored it to look at the little boy again. I stood up from the bench anxiously, but he wasn’t there. I looked at all sides - everywhere my eyes could reach, but he wasn’t there. A foreboding.

“What are you looking for?” he asked, already seated on the bench to the right of where I was. “Nothing,” I lied. I focused on the snake. I was actually glad to see the darn thing. I felt what must be the closest thing to affection I could ever feel for such a thing. This was new. In the past, even the thought of these monsters slithering around in dark places gave me the most unsettling of feelings. It went over the fence and hung most of its body on the lowest rung. It had gotten fatter. It was a wonder the decrepit fence didn't fall right then.

I looked at the man sitting beside me. “I think our time together is almost over,” I said with some sadness but also a sort of relief. “Have I have given you the answers you needed?” I asked. He nodded.

“I think,” I stammered. “I think, this wasn’t just about you. It was also about me. About us. I got my answers as well. I needed to find a way to let you go,” I said wiping the tears running down my face. I pushed a lock of hair off his right cheek. “You showed me where I should be, where I belonged, what mattered, and what love truly is. You will never be forgotten. Never. Do you understand me?” I said. I kissed him, and closed my eyes trying to memorize every detail of the moment.

“I need to know one more thing” he said, wiping my tears away. The rumour,” he started. “What rumour? Even before I step into a town, a million rumours fly like murmuring birds.” I laughed, trying to ease the tension between us. His face became emotional, and he didn’t say anything. I searched his emotions, but he’s suddenly blocking them.

“You’ve learned to block me, why?” I asked. “I can’t have you running to me whenever I need you to,” he responded. “It’s not fair to you.” I nodded, agreeing but saddened to hear him say it. “Always remember me, visit me when you can. Keep that necklace around your neck always. Don’t stop celebrating our birthday. How did it happen again? Who is older again, you or me?” he teased.

“Sta. Monica Hospital. April 21st, and you are older by three hours.” I answered. “Just checking that you don’t forget,” he laughed. Silence followed.

“Do you love your husband?” he asked breaking the silence. He looked into my eyes. I nodded. “Yes, very much” I replied. “Then learn how to love him more. To forgive him. Forgive him for everything, and find a way to start again,” he said playing with my hair.

"I died September 5. Your husband, he is still alive. You still have a chance" he said. “I am trying,” I answered. "It's not easy, to rid myself of the pain and humiliation of what he has done, but I am trying."

“You are, but try harder. One last time,” he smiled. I nodded again, “One last time,” I promised, as I wiped the last few remnants of tears from my eyes.

I wanted to change the subject. “You said there was a rumour you wanted to ask about?” I said, sniffling. “What was it?”. He hung his head, then faced me. “Were you.. " he struggled to say. “Were you… pregnant? Before you left me?”. I felt a rush of blood drain from my face. It was my turn to be silent. He waited for me to answer. He waited patiently. I begged the goddesses for courage.

I faced him, and placed my palm on his cheek. I nodded. I watched him grind his teeth, and his reaction was of pain and incredible loss. “I lost him not even three months,” I said, touching my belly. He sobbed.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, an anguished expression on his face. “I know what you would have done. You would have searched for me. We would have been married. And I would have made every day of your life insane. Someone said I was devilish after all,” I forced a laugh.

“He is happy where he is now, I feel it," I said assuring him.

“He?” he asked. “I felt it in my heart, that the baby was a boy. It was better that it happened as it did. I would have taken him away from you. Brought him up in Canada - with liberal values, and a liberal education. I would have brought him up in a world you said you didn’t belong to. A world you didn’t want to be in. My world.” The expression on his face, broke my heart once more.

I wept for a while. Both for myself, and the baby. I had never done that. It felt incredibly sad, and yet freeing at the same time. It’s been decades, and I never once faced it. I finally let myself address it now, after so many years - there it is, my truth and torment. And with it, I felt the forgiveness I didn’t know I sought. The forgiveness I didn’t know I needed. Not his forgiveness, not anyone else’s, but mine's. Of myself.

The raven-haired little boy appeared again before us. He had a handsome little face, with a little tall nose. And he looked exactly like his father. I smiled with the realization.

His father - the man in front of him.

I didn’t understand why he appeared as a child still, but for once in my life, I didn’t question. The son took his father’s hand and held it in his little one. His father stood and followed him. I stood, holding my breath.

I watched them side-by-side walking forward together, their hands clasped and they disappeared into the light.

The snake, his snake, slithered down the fence onto the ground. I watched it carefully, in amazement as it slowly formed an infinity symbol with its body. Then, it started swallowing its tail - deliberately, until it couldn't anymore. The ouroboros - the symbol of infinite life, and the cycle of birth and death.

(Copyright © IC 2021)