Of Coldasacs and Childhood Promises.

To understand anything I'm about to say, I'm going to need to give you some important information, That to anyone else wouldn't seem important. So I guess I'll just do it in bullets.

* My dad is one of 6 siblings.

*My mom is 1 of 10

* I am one of 3

* I grew up in the epitome of suburban cul-de-sacs.

To put it all together, Let me sew those strings of facts into a real story.

My dad had two brothers, And three sisters- I never got to meet many of my moms siblings but that didn't mean I never got to meet all my cousins and second cousins and *third* cousins. That also doesn't mean I didn't have cousins on my dads side of the family aswell.

Both of my parents hail from Brooklyn and a tight knit community where everyone was family. Needless to say when my mom became a mother, She took on a similar role to my grandma Eileen. They fed everyone.

I used to often hear stories about half the kids on the block going to my dads apartment for dinner- The tiny place so full of bodies that dinner really was first come first serve- Thats just the Dougherty way. I don't mean to give you a history lesson but I need to paint a picture.

-Before people in my family started dropping like flies, My family was huge- And I'm just talking about blood. When we had 'family' parties, We had aunts, Cousins, and uncles who werent even blood related to you.

Going to my Aunt's house for christmas felt like coming home from war- Everybody knew every body and you were never alone- And even if you wanted to be, Someone would always find you and hide with you. Christmas parties are some of my happiest memories.

Circling back to the cudlasac- Pun intended, When I wasn't roughhousing in my cousins basement, I was playing outside with my neighbors- I'm not gonna spit names, For the sake of privacy- But this part is important.

Before my depression kicked in, I was the life of the party and my charisma carried into all my friendships. It was also before my big sisters decided that not playing outside is what defined that you were 'grown' or an 'adult'.

My big sister and I would shoot outside like rockets the minute our homework was done, Sometimes we wouldn't even get inside the house before we were playing outside. We'd just drop our backpacks on the grass or porch and start running with our neighbors.

For years, Playing outside was a safe heaven, My imagination was allowed to run wild and for a moment, Everyone else had the capability to pretend and see the things I could see.

Im not saying I hallucinate, I just have a big imagination and I see possibilities that others dont.

Every day there was a different game of pretend and I got to be whoever I wanted. On the days we didn't play pretend I got to be Kellie, The real kellie who played sword fighting with a wiffleball bat and didn't give a damn about grass stains on her jeans or if she was wearing shoes.

One by one they left- Its kinda like the end of the Sandlot where you hear they all moved away. Except no one moved, They just grew up. First it was my eldest sister, Then the middle, Then her best friend.

By the time I was realizing I was doing it too, I was too deep in my depression to care. - But I had already made so many online friends that I switched one happy place for another.

My big sisters were still living in the rooms next to me, So I was able to occupy my time in school, Come home, Hop on my laptop and talk to my friends and then do it all over again. I was never alone. If i truely wanted to go outside and do something I could ask one of my childhood friends who lived across the street and we could go for a walk.

I need you to grasp the concept I'm trying to explain to you here.

I have never been alone, Not truely.

I had Aunts and Uncles, Cousins, Neighbors, Siblings, Online friends.

However, When I had the online friends- I also had my siblings in the next room and my neighbours a couple yards away. If I was sad I could go to my sisters or go outside and ask if my neighbors wanted to hangout.

I am eighteen years old, I have no lingering friendships from Academic persuits or from any jobs I've had. Everyone I would talk to who I used to know has either joined the army, Moved, Or gone off to college.

I live in a town completely isolated from anywhere I could possibly walk to or go to enjoy myself- And all of my friends live in a different time zone and couldn't drive to see me If i needed them to.

I've been thinking about it and they're right when they say loneliness kills.

If it weren't for my friends who I go on voicecall with everyday, I don't know what I'd do.

Thank you for talking to me and putting up with my rants about cheesesteak.

Xoxo, Kellie