Not it!

I have been contemplating and exploring the below more than anything else.

1. Is there a way to break the pattern? Can people change? Can I change what I’ve been doing if I want different results and why does that seem very impossible? I don’t ever want to be hurting like this.

2. Self-pity party leading to the realization that you’re either:

a) ho

b)cougar

c) in need of medication

d) cool as fuck

e) other

It wasn't meant to be. Just when you want something the most, wishing it beyond your wildest dreams, the universe sees something you don't. It's for your higher self. But let all the other small dreams come true. Power of manifestation. Well, Universe, I don't get it so please change the tune already. What am I waiting for this fucking patiently? Where is he and when is he? Will I know the moment that leads to forever? I thought I did so many times, it's sad. But despite those intense feelings I thought of as real, all were false. It has all been an illusion, it’s ongoing. I just can’t figure it out. Why can’t I meet someone who has the same feelings?

I’ve been aware of the necessity for trauma healing, shadow work, karma work. Love yourself unconditionally and that’s when the magic happens. Forego the ego.

I’ve been doing all that for years now and look where it’s taking me. I’m not in control of my subconsciousness. I don’t think I am this supreme being that can join y’all in ascending to 5D. I wish I was. I want to be. But I can’t even identify my traumas and I don’t have that many wishes. Only one to be exact. But noooooo… Just not that one.

The Universe is saying either: ‘That’s not why you are alive on Earth. You have another purpose so don’t worry or rush things. It’ll all make sense soon.’ or

‘Same thing will keep happening if you keep choosing the same: a beautiful, younger than you, smart, sexy, incredibly attractive guy who shows you what love looks like, but love is not how he’d describe it. Figure it out Helena. Why don’t they love you back? What’s wrong with you? What needs to give?’

I’m not sure what option I prefer. I have been faithful and actively practicing the second one, even though they imply such a painful and sometimes prolonged heartache that you want to die rather than spend your life not near him in some capacity. And I don’t even say 'Never again' any longer. I hope it happens again. Not the heartache, by no means. But I want to meet a gorgeous guy who at least for 5 days had eyes and ears only for me, who awakens my soul even temporarily. I’ll deal with the heartache later. Fuck it, but at least for a period of time, I’m having the time of my life. I hate memories and would never want to say goodbye, if I had my say. That, haunting memories and endings comprises my greatest trauma. Accepting them as part of life is my life’s mission. I guess it can only be done by practice: saying goodbye to places and people that changed you and that you wanted to love so badly. Accept anything that comes your way and do not attach yourself to people. Which I do. I attach myself to people who are unique. I don’t meet them often so I get blindsided when I do. ‘Take me!’ is all I can muster. And I give myself early on. Whenever the chemistry demands it. Not putting out is a concept I’m struggling to grasp and have been since I started liking guys.

I’m desperate to tell someone ‘I love you!’ I wanted to love you so much. I thought I felt that I had all this love to give just to you. To me you were perfect. I even dared to relax because you made me feel safe to do so. Like we’d go on somehow.

But to you it was a much simpler event: found a girl, fucked a girl, forgot what just happened. You don’t care if I live or die.

How can I misread it so incorrectly? For months now everything I do, I do it with you in front of my eyes. Logging into any social account is to see you. I thought some of your posts were meant for me. I lived to see the green dot next to that profile photo I adore. I loved everything about you, everything you said.

But none of that was for me. There’s not a second in your day that I cross your mind. You just don’t care what I do or don’t do.

Again and I can’t repeat this enough:

Me: Universe, I really, really, really don’t get it! How can I be so disillusioned? What are you trying to say? This is not love, that is not love. Nope, that wasn’t love either! Noooo, not it! Do you plan on revealing it to me or? What’s the plan? Please, I’d like to know the plan because I’m getting angry and exhausted.

Universe: It’s all going according to divine timing. Anything that’s meant for you will not pass you by. So just relax, because what you seek is seeking you.

Me: Hmmm… In that case, perfect! You make it sound like it’s nothing personal! Be it as it may, can I please beg you to stop this? Please don’t send a guy you know I’d fall for in a matter of seconds and then snatch him away from me. What is that about? Please don’t. I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to guess anymore. I don’t want to refrain or muffle myself. I don’t want to wonder what happens next or daydream the fuck out of our future together that turns out to be a desperate hallucination. All I want is for him to love me with the same intensity I love him with. Or actually have the same feelings and doesn’t want his life to go on without me in the picture. Is that clear enough?

Universe: Noted. There’s one condition.

Me: ?

Universe: You have to figure it out yourself.

Me: Wonderful. Thank you for your timing and your guidance, which leads to more confusion and struggle. I'm exhausted. What could be my other purpose, if not to find love?

After three months of no communication and my reading into every single quote I found, every single minute of the day, wanting to manifest reunion. I couldn’t live without knowing what would happen if I came back. The four days we had were not enough for me. I had to know.

When I told him I was back in the city he was in, he wasn’t interested. I could hear and feel my heart breaking and soon enough it exploded. Just the opposite of how I felt those 4 days. My heart was the fullest it’s ever been. You loved me how I crave to be loved. That’s it. I know the details of how I want to be loved because of you. But to you, it was just another day.

I knew that was an option. I will get to be back in the city I absolutely loved at first sight in an apartment that turned out everything I ever imagined before arriving. That checked out.

And either he would be happy or ecstatic I came back and wouldn’t waste a second of spending time with me and we’d spend 11 magical days together, realize we’re meant to be and just be by each other’s side forever. Or that he couldn’t care less where I am or what I’m doing. He gave me the latter.

I didn’t block or unfriend him. I didn’t post anything to trigger him. As if he’d notice. But normally I do both: unfriend, block, and delete anything that has to do with a person I have to let go of. Not this time. Not him. For the first time in my life, I haven’t done that. It hurts to see him and look for him and I will eventually stop. I hope I will from the bottom of my heart. The sooner the better. It’s like everything he ever did was so smooth and sort of graceful. I’m not mad. Or scared of what he might say. I can always block. But for now, I’m curious about his life and growth and wish him well. I wonder if this is one pattern I changed? Not blocking him, that is.

The saddest part is I was prepared for that. But coming to terms with it? That’s another story. I think I’ll be fooling myself for some time to come that I’m fine. All the while I’ll be so sorry. So, so, so sorry it’s not you.

So, what is it about me that makes you want to go from oh to urgh?