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Nobody Cares About Money

I have feelings too...

By DamilolaPublished 3 years ago 5 min read
1

“Babadoobadoooooo!”

“Babadoobadoooooo!”

Wait, what?

What’s this crazy old lady saying? It’s a foreign language I can’t understand, and I understand all languages, even the languages of the green aliens.

“Yabakoooobakoooo,” she continued, as I watched in despair, trying to take in my new environment.

She’s not human, but another creature of some sort. 6 eyes, a very pink face, long golden hair and 2 wings, but I can tell she’s very old.

And by the sound of it, she’s also batshit crazy.

This doesn’t look good at all, I’m in a very unfamiliar place with a pink creature. What’s going to happen to me this time?

You see, when you find yourself in the pockets of millions of people from across the world, being stepped on by humans on the streets, or being sprayed and thrown around at wedding ceremonies, you catch up on the language thing.

With a lot of trauma involved too.

Imagine all of the above, happening to you in various countries, at the same time.

My life on earth is one full of so many adventures, I could write a movie about it. Or maybe even a memoir. But unfortunately, I have no hands. And I don’t think it’ll go too well if I tried to speak to a human about the subject.

I’ve been involved in so many crimes. The crazy things I’ve witnessed as I sat on tables as humans jumped on each other, I’d rather not discuss.

I've travelled the world and visited many strange places. Sometimes female humans keep me in their bras, it is a very unique experience.

As interesting as that view probably sounds, I have also been in a lot of violent situations. Trust me, having V.I.P access to the female anatomy is the least this job entails.

Last week, I watched a man gamble at a party, he won and later got drunk and fell into a gutter. His friends passed by and tried to steal his winnings. He tried fighting back. Unfortunately, they kicked him to death.

One time, I found myself in a very unfamiliar scrunchy-looking hole, a smelly one. Because a man who was trying to sneak into a different country, thought it would be a good idea to smuggle me in through his backside.

Yeah, it was a very shitty experience.

100% will not recommend this senseless act.

I’ve also been kept in other strange places, along with a drug that has a very strong smell. Humans would try to hide us from police officers at routine stops.

The only good thing that came out of those situations is that I made a new friend, and it looks like humans have been abusing her too. They would crush her into bits, and then proceed to light her on fire. Sometimes they even cook her alive amongst other unimaginably evil things.

She told me humans have turned toilet paper into a mute. If you ask him to tell you what he’s been through, he just breaks down in tears. Poor guy, I guess I’m not alone.

Friends have betrayed each other because of me, families have been divided, many have died.

My worst experience so far is when I don’t even exist in material form. I find myself in a cloud-based system, where I only exist in numbers or a concept. Or in an app of some sort, until the human needs me and yanks me out of a stupid machine at the corner of the street.

Dark, boring, painful, disposable.

“What about your love life?” you might ask. Maybe I can find myself a partner that’ll relieve me of my stress.

Well, nobody loves me for me.

I don’t even have enough time to develop a connection with my owners, because as soon as I arrive, I get exchanged for other things.

I’ve been exchanged for sand, a can of chicken curry, snails, skulls and tomatoes. Everything you can think of. One time someone even exchanged me for a pizza with pineapples on it. It seems to be a controversial combination in the human world.

Humans spend nights praying and wishing for me, then somebody wins me in a competition and screams for joy. Minutes later, I’m being exchanged for some beer in the name of celebration.

So the truth is, no one cares how I feel, no one gives a shit about me.

I’ve been through a lot. I’m so traumatised. I really need therapy. Although if I tried to get some, the therapist might take it the wrong way, if I offered to pay with myself. I really can’t win, what do I do but keep my feelings to myself?

My existence is usually a same-shit-just-a-different-day situation, except today I’m suspended in air, in a colourful light of some sort. I’m in a different dimension, with an odd-looking creature, screaming strange words and dancing around like a deformed dinosaur.

I’ve seen this dance before. A lot of humans have been doing something called the Junebug challenge.

It’s a TikTok challenge as they’d call it. Just to give you an idea, for you non-humans, other challenges include filing your teeth and putting aluminium foil in the microwave.

This creature is doing the same, she must have been lurking around on earth.

I think she might be a guardian angel.

“Yabadadoobadoooooooo,” she continues, I want so badly to tell her that if she’s trying to sing, it’s a no from me.

But then I noticed she’s reading from a black book of some sort, on the cover of the book is a name.

“Jumoke’s Manifestation Journal”

That’s in English, it’s one of the languages I understand.

It seems this creature is trying to make Jumoke's wishes come true, by screaming these terrible words that make my ears bleed.

But how am I involved in this and what the hell am I doing here, stuck in limbo in a candy land of some sort. It’s as if she heard my thoughts because seconds later, she turned to me.

With one swish of her wand, I find myself moving so quickly I didn’t have time to think.

Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I’m in a very colourful rainbow-like tunnel, with very nice slow music.

I wish this feeling lasted because seconds later I became restricted in a box. Someone threw me out of a plane accompanied by swearing and panic.

“Get rid of all the evidence now you idiots!”

“Get rid of it all!”

“Fabio! Get off your phone and move this box!”

With a loud thud, I arrive on something familiar, green grass, a place humans seem to drop me a lot.

This time it’s wet and it’s dark.

Shit! It’s dark on earth, I thought.

Bad things happen to me at night. But I have no legs, I can’t move, so I resign to fate.

As I began to wonder what my adventures would be for the night, I notice a young woman had been standing in front of me. She had watched me fall and spill out of the box, and was looking down at me as she tried to adjust her glasses. Suddenly she screams, takes out her phone and calls another human.

“The YouTube video worked! I told you manifestation works, you didn’t believe me!”

“I’m going to leave a comment on his YouTube channel and tell everyone I magically received the $20,000 I wrote about in my journals.”

Ah shit, I thought. I have a new owner.

Let’s just hope she doesn’t keep me in a scrunchy hole this time.

satire
1

About the Creator

Damilola

poet, wanderer, writer.

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