No longer broken

Today I wanted to dedicate this blog entry to the love of my life. Thanks babe for showing me the right way to be loved...

I first must share with everyone how long it took me to get here and the life I had before I knew what real love feels like.

As a child I thought that the “love” my mother gave me was the right way. The older I got, the more I realized that it wasn’t love at all. At the same time, I thought that was all I ever deserved. The woman who had given birth to me was extremely abusive. Financially, psychically, emotionally, spiritually and (indirectly) sexually abusive. All this had come from a person who was supposed to protect me. A woman who bore me from her very own loins. I quickly learned that she didn’t mean to bring me into this world. She spent most of my life telling me that very thing. I lost count how many times she told me that she should have gotten rid of me when she had the chance when lever she felt that I disappointed her, which was very often. Nothing I ever did was good enough in her eyes. From the time I could remember, which is about 5 years old, she would give me whoppings. I never understood why, because I always tried to be in my BEST behavior in fear of receiving one of those whoppings. Up until I was about 16 or 17, she always picked an item that was closest to her and would beat me with it. Brushes, wooden paddles, extension cords, wire hangers, frying pans, belts and on occasion, her fist. Her first husband would make me strip down to my underwear and lean over the side of the couch and he would whip me with the thickest leather belt that he had in his closet. He was NOT my biological father, but my mother made me call him “daddy.” My mother was “with him” from when I was about 3 years old til I was about 11. She didn’t get divorced from him until 10 years later because he didn’t want to be found...so she says. I don’t understand why any woman would ever let a man strip their daughter down to their underwear to give them a beating! No mater what age, no matter if that the biological father or not. In her eyes, it was ok. So you can see why from a very young age, I thought getting beatings was ok. The woman who was supposed to protect me and love me gave permission. My mothers next guy was the one who didn’t know how to keep his hands to himself. She started dating him literally months after physically leaving her first husband. I found out that they only started dating because he was a big time drug dealer and made a lot of money. He could pay rent and all the bills with being “on the block” just for a few hours. My mother loved that. Her first husband was “stupid” rich so why should she settle for anything less, right? This guy was 11 years younger than her. So that would have made him 22 when they started dating. At the time, I didn’t care because I was a child and had to “stay in a child’s place!” He didn’t start touching me until about 2 years into their relationship. Mind you, this is AFTER she wanted to chase him around after he went “on the run” after almost killing a guy...drug deal gone bad. I guess the guy tested his “gangsta” and he couldn’t fight worth shit so he decided to shoot the guy instead, leaving the man paralyzed from the neck down. My mother laughs about it still. She’s so evil!

Anyways, back to my story... this guy that she was so “in love” with started touching me inappropriately. He would grab my but as I walked by, pinch my underdeveloped breasts when my mother was looking, and that was only the beginning. It escalated to him making me give him pedicures (in front of my mother). Why was it okay with her to see her daughter rubbing a grown mans feet? It got really bad one day. He was being very aggressive and told me that if I told my mother what was about to happen, it would mess up everything and she would hate me forever. I believed him, so I kept quiet. He then made me touch things in him that a 15 year old girl should not be touching on a grown man! I got scared and ran in to the room but he picked me up, threw me on the bed and pinned me down. I was then scared for my life!! He tickled me in places he should NOT have! I got so scared and don’t know where I got the strength, but I somehow got him off of me and next thing I knew , I was running out of my door barefoot. I needed up calling my mother at work and told her what happened. This damn fool cried and told my mother that I was over exaggerating the issue that he was only playing with me and he would never touch me in that way because his sisters were molested. My mother looked at me and said “well, Jennifer. If you believe this happened, then I guess I believe it too.” I could feel my heart break inside my chest. The next words that came out of her mouth made me want to slit the both of their throats!!! “From now on, just knock on her door before you go in.” What in the actual fuck! Are you serious?! So this shit is okay with you? I was never the same again. From that day forward I was scared to talk to anyone about anything. I joined the military and got raped while taking a weekend passed by 2 guys that I thought were my friends. I was 18. I was a virgin. I was saving myself for marriage. They left me in a pool of my own vomit with nothing but my socks on. I woke up in the bathroom in my motel room.

Flash forward to my first serious relationship. The guy cheated on me and beat the shit out of me whenever I bothered to ask him a question that he didn’t like... “where have you been for the last 3 days?“ “How come you didn’t answer your phone?” “Where did those scratches come from?” He even choked me while I was pregnant with our child. He gave me a fat lip, bruised my ribs and even dislocated my jaw and punched me so hard one time, I fell back and hit my head on the window pane. That’s one of the reasons I have a TBI. But of course, I never told anyone because, I felt that they wouldn’t believe me or they would tell me I was over reacting. I put up with that for 3 years until he got arrested for murder.

My next relationship was blah. I got cheated on and basically carried him for a year. Meaning that I paid all the bills while he sat at home all day playing video games and “chillin wit the homies.”

I still thought that I didn’t deserve any better. I felt that any one that showed me attention was what I deserved. My own mother didn’t want me or care about me, but at least I’m getting some kind of attention, right? Even if it was negative. I ended up getting married to the next guy that paid attention to me. He was everything but physically abusive and a severe drug addict. Even though I kind of knew it all along, I was in such denial. I tried for almost 10 years to make him see that he didn’t need to be on drugs and begged for his attention. I had sever me codependency issues and felt like I always needed to be attached to someone. Even though the whole time I always felt so broken. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I’ve lost so many friends, I was depressed all the time and became so insecure. He made me feel ugly and unwanted and called me out my name more times than I can count. He pawned everything that I ever bought. he’s stolen from me, stolen from our children. The list goes on with how badly I was treated. But again, I didn’t think I deserved any better.

Just when I had given up on love and wanting to try and end my life again, this beautiful man reappeared into my life. Only this time I didn’t cuss him out. I let him talk and I felt a need to let him know how much I appreciate him coming to me like a man and apologize for his wrongs that happened a year prior and I apologized for being so bitchy.

Since then, this man has shown me nothing but respect and has not left me hanging since the day I decided that I was going to be nicer to him. I wasn’t expecting anything to come from it. We began hanging out occasionally. Whenever I would feel down, he would call to give me a pep talk and some great words of encouragement. At first I got scared because I felt like it was too good to be true and there must be something bad about to happen. No matter how hard I tried to push him away, he tried even harder to get closer to me. He is literally my best friend and I am glad that I can fully be myself with him. He makes me laugh and keeps a smile on my face every single day. I was so apprehensive at first and I am so glad that he pushed back as hard as he did.

He tells me all the time how I deserve the world and deserve to be loved the right way. He prays for me and he takes care of me spiritually, emotionally, financially and especially in the bedroom. I feel like he has helped me so much to want to heal from all the pain that I have endured my life. He is definitely Heaven sent and I tell him as often as I can. I can truly say that I am so much in love with this man! I never asked him to do anything. I willingly helps me in my struggles. He hears what I’m saying, even when I am not saying a word. Even though he is on the road for work 3 months at a time, I feel closest to him than I have ever felt in my entire life. The way he cares about my spiritual and emotional being is just so intoxicating. Yes, he might have a few flaws but they do t compare to the beautiful heart that he has. I am so grateful that he came into my life at the right time. I feel that I have grown so much since he came into my life. Although I do wish I had met him at another time in my life, I believe that we weren’t meant to be until now. He came at the right time! He was meant to help me heal now and he was meant to help me grow into the woman that I now know that I can be. I know often times people feel bothered when a woman says they got their strength from a man, but I truly did. He is MY definition of love. I give myself fully to him, and for once, I don’t see anything wrong with being submissive with a man. This is NOT a Sexual thing, so calm down🙂 I mean that he is the definition of a real man and takes care of business, so there isn’t a reason why I would have to try being the Alpha all the time.