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No Light

"It's hard to move forward when you can't see what's in front of you."

By Tamara Barbers Published 4 years ago 5 min read
2

Allow me to apologize, this message contains many grammatical errors, and uncertain shift changes. I do not write to impress, I merely need a platform to speak. Whether you can understand my pain or not is not my goal. My goal is to let someone know that I am in pain. I’m sorry.

My journey started in August of 2019. There I was escaping the shadows of my own family. “I’m moving towards the light,” is what I began to tell myself. I can see again, a brighter day, a blessing. He was my only escape from constant hunger, no place to sleep, no support, and no personal belongings I could call my own. Malik was his name, he and I were inseparable, although some would argue, we still are. You see ten months into our relationships the tides began to turn. Our beautiful ship we once sailed had fallen into the deepest corners the sea could hold. Needless to say we ourselves are shipwrecked.

“Hold on love, I got you.” Those were his words to me two weeks before I moved in. I was able to tell him every part of my life that troubled me. Which scar hurt more no matter how deep both cuts were. I was able to open my heart to the fullest and hold nothing back. I could cry at night and have someone hold me. I was never alone. “You are my wife, I want nothing but the best for you.” every time those words filled the air, I felt new. “All the pain there once was remains in the past, this is my happiness and I intend to hold on to it.” I constantly took every breath he took with the most appreciation. To have someone call you their own, to truly take all of your flaws and say these are our flaws, meant what seemed to be the world. I was fed, washed, well rested, and taken care of. But of course...I couldn’t see then, what I see now.

CRASH!.. “MALIK STOP!” I say frantically. “NO! I told you quit talking to them but you choose to continue your friendships!” BANG! His fist pounds the wall till part of it falls to the ground. It began with the walls, the lamps, and the chairs. His anger was one he couldn’t tame. Nevertheless, so was mine. So, the question would seem to be, how did I manage to stay afloat, calm, and careful? Your answer. I didn’t.

Before he went to the point of choking me till I lost unconsciousness, I had been disciplined in controlling my anger and only using “IT” if absolutely necessary. I am able to endure a certain amount of pain and remain calm until the pain ceases to exist. However in this case the pain was my heart. Since I moved in with him I noticed he plays games more than anything else. He prefers to play games rather than get an education, help his mom with work, get a job, and talk to me. I went for months on end with maybe a “Hi” or “Bye.” No other connection was made, I work and come home thinking I can spend time with him now only to hear these words, “no sorry, I’m on the game with the boys, maybe later.” It was fine until I started doubting myself. “Am I not attractive, perhaps I’m annoying, No I must be boring.” I would look in the mirror and say “you just aren’t worth it.” a month or two later of neglect, he mentions seeing other people. I ask cautiously, “you would like to date other people or have sexual relations with other people. Again, needless to say he just isn’t attracted to me anymore. I’ve endured plenty of relationships, but in this one I was able to live with him for months. I’ve said nothing of the physical or mental abuse I had to put up with but it revealed itself. His mother caught him putting his hands on me and then she understood exactly what I was dealing with from her son and why I neglected to say anything because she wouldn’t have believed it. It hurts too much to continue every detail or aspect of this story. Unfortunately it is my situation. I’ve been home for two days now, well his house, and I miss him. He’s done nothing but stay out. I’m sure he’s neglecting to come home because I'm here. All I know is we were going to make it work but now it won’t he still hasn’t put in any effort. I do hope she’s happy. I hope he treats her better than he treated me. I wouldn’t wish neglect or abuse on anyone. I wish I could pick myself up, but there is nothing I can tell myself that I should or want to hear. I started writing this with every expectation to create a story. To give you all an excerpt on my life. Because the people i have around me dare not to listen to what hurts me most. Much less offer assistance. If you think finding someone else will ease the pain. You are wrong, it does the opposite. I find myself still searching for his messages, his calls, a hey or good morning, but I still get nothing. He hasn’t even acknowledged my calls while he’s been away. He took twenty dollars from my savings bank and neglected to tell me or say anything about it when I confronted him about it. Why is it that everyone listens to him and his ways about me and paints me to be the bad guy. Perhaps it’s the family love that blinds him. No matter if someone is family or not, right is right and wrong is wrong. No one should be blind to that. Then again there are two sides to every story and no one has taken the time to what mine. Why would they? I am not family, I am a stranger living in their family’s home. What I have to say is irrelevant. So, as I’m crawling on my knees touching my surroundings at every move I make. I’m trying to find the light switch, but there isn’t one. I’ve fallen far from the surface and now I must figure it out for myself, how I will survive. Hopefully I find my light soon enough, maybe then I can start to be happy.

Did I mention I am 19, and he is 18. Mm perhaps I should've stated that earlier, but that's also room for confined judgement. How old are you is always the first question they ask when you express how your relationship isn't going according to your plan. You all don't know me, you all don't know how I have a business mindset, or how I sound like I'm over the age of 35 I might be young on the outside, but there is nothing but wisdom within.

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