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No Going Back

What I have learned since coming out.

By Austin GeerPublished 4 years ago 3 min read
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In January 2018, I made the decision to come out as gay on Instagram at 17 years old. As much as I wanted to do it before this point, I could never press the button because I knew there was going to be a whirlwind of change. I wasn’t ready for BLACK GAY MALE to be a part of my identity.

Every message, comment, and personal conversation with everyone about my post was so encouraging and positive that I couldn’t do anything else but carry the message to my parents.

One day in March 2018, right before I was going to see Black Panther with my parents (always #WakandaForever), I sat them down and told them that I liked men.

They didn’t say anything.

It felt as if time truly came to a standstill and my body was paralyzed.

Eventually, they both said that they loved me and that this would not change their love for me. Although this seemed to stay true, this was not true. From that day up until about a week ago, I continued to get into arguments and strongly-worded debates about how religion or anything else should not stop them from accepting who I am and my lifestyle. I felt deceived, but I couldn’t stop myself from craving their approval in order to show that I was making the right decision.

Honestly, this was the first time that I had deviated from what they wanted from my life. It caused me so much pain: crying myself to sleep, not being great to the people and friends in my life, and not loving myself.

However, a wise person and friend in my life told me to live this life for myself; be who you want to be because there is no other way. My friend kept telling me for over a year, but last week, I finally started deciding to live by this.

Instead of holding in my hurt, I let my parents know how I feel about how they were constricting me instead of loving me. However, they saw it as love and protection. For example, they would not approve of me writing something about my sexuality and this community because they believe I should have waited until I was older to do so. I do not agree with me because it is important to make sure that our stories are out there and heard.

My story made me look back and think of two statements.

First, it made me realize that hurt people hurt people. Through holding in my pain and hurt from those I considered close friends, I was treating them like they were not important to me. It took me to just sit in the middle of the floor in my bedroom, think about all the hurt I have gathered, and let out the biggest exhale. It brought me so much peace to know that I was moving in the direction of change.

Secondly, I had to step out of my own viewpoints and what I believed was right. This is truly one of the hardest things to do because it is natural to always want to be right and prove only your point. Although I knew that I would never agree with my parents, I just had to understand their view based on how and where they grew up and realizing how hard change from your foundation of beliefs can be. However, making the distinction between understanding their viewpoint, but not finding yourself agreeing, compromising, and taken advantage of on something that you do not believe in.

In order to do this, I have implemented this skill into everything that I do. For everything that I believe in and see on the Internet and in books, I always do more research and consider more viewpoints. This is especially important to something that has opposing sides including things such as immigration, LGBTQIA+ rights, and gun control. Doing this makes having a conversation with someone more open and more enjoyable, especially when there are differing viewpoints.

Ultimately, I just want other LGBTQIA+ people, people-of-color, and everyone else to be able to read my story and gain a greater understanding for my story; how to be more open to hearing those from all aspects of life, especially in a time when America is so divided, yet unified.

Although change can be frightening, it is somehow comforting to know that I am a new and better me, and comforted to know that there is no going back.

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